Same old problem
Reply #10 - August 02, 2010, 07:00 PM
I am still scared that a time will come when i have to publicly declare my apostasy to my family and loved ones.
i am still trying to figure out how i am going to explain it to them without getting killed or abandoned, but the more i think about it the more depressed i become.still in college, i just have one more year to finish after that i am hoping to move out to a place where i can live my own life independently and not be discriminated for my new found belief.
Why i am feeling this way, because recently after my brother(a first born) got married to my first cousin which was encouraged by my family. my parents are now pressuring me to graduate with good results so that i can get a good job with a good pay so that i can settle down and get married since i am second born after my brother. we are five in the family by the way, i have 2 junior sisters and a brother
what they don't realize is that i am not interested in getting married to a boring good muslimah, personally i favour long term relationship with a woman that i am compatibile with before even considering marriage.
I am more lonelier than before because i am surrounded by muslims in the environment and i can't express myself or be myself with my independent mind that i have. My Mother is commiting her life to Islam more than anything else, she attends an islamic school every weekend from morning to late afternoon. she is involved in an Islamic charity organization and even wrote a book on Tajweed(she gave me the copy but i never read it). my immediate junior sister has followed my mother's path after she finished an islamic secondary school, in fact she has an important post and plays a key role in MSS(muslim student society) in her college. my junior brother and another sister are now in the same secondary school that my immediate sister has attended.
my issue is this
1. if my parents find out all hell will break loose, not only that they will come under a heavy criticism by our relatives and the society for not giving me a proper islamic education. though i know a time will come eventually but how can i handle it?.
2. what would i do if they pressure me to get married provided i finish college and have a job?.
3. how will my relationship with my childhood friends,closed friends and my relatives be after they become aware of apostasy?
all i want is to live my life independently and be who i am rather than live under this lie that will deceive my conscience. but the downside of it is that i will lose every friend(since most of them are muslims) that i have made, everything and be alienated by my loved ones.
this is just me ranting about my life, i know some of you are in a worse or the same condition as me, some are lucky to have a liberal parents who can accept them for who they are and continue their relationship.some have reverted without facing any of these problem.
i hope i don't sound boring to all of you reading this because apart from Humblesoul(who i have been keeping in touch on the phone) i don't have anyone to talk to about this things.
one thing i do know is that i can't remain like this forever because i have reach the point of revealing my apostasy but i don't know how i can handle the consequence of it, my main worry is how i will be able to cope and handle
"I'm standing here like an asshole holding my Charles Dickens"
"No theory,No ready made system,no book that has ever been written to save the world. i cleave to no system.."-Bakunin
Topic: Hard times