I am Turkish, born and grew up in Turkey. My parents are Muslim, their parents were Muslim, bla bla, you know the story. I didn't convert to Islam or anything. I found myself as a Muslim. They told me that I am a Muslim, the beloved subject of God and that it is the best thing that can happen to a human. At first, I didn't have any problem with that. On the contrary, I was happy to be encircled by this so-called love, which I found out soon enough that it wasn't free and that it comes with so many duties and so on, to be the one God loves and will favor in the afterlife.
But during my teenage years, I started to get uncomfortable with Islam since so many things didn't make any sense. Whenever I raised a question, they tried to shut me down by saying that I was risking my faith and I might end up in hell. My mother is a very religious person, my father was the same, now he just doesn't say it out loud but I don't think he cares about Islam at all, you wouldn't call him a Muslim. In my situation, you need to know some about the political and social conditions in my country. But this is another topic, a long one too. To cut it short, lets say Turkey is one of those countries -perhaps the number 1 on the list - which is predominantly Muslim yet the hardest country to live your life a as a Muslim. You are ignored, dismissed, hated, bullied, prevented from studying in university or working in government offices etc. This mission is mostly carried out by a minority group which includes many top officials at all kind of government levels, army, the ordinary public who believes they own the country. Their influence is significant despite their smaller numbers.
Of course I had the advantages of living in a so-called "modern Muslim" country, unlike people in Iran, Pakistan etc. I had more freedom. Anyways. I started to wear hijab as soon as I turned into a woman. I hated it as soon as I started wearing, I was still a child who was running on the streets, playing football with boys and I never made sense of the piece of cloth covering my beautiful hair as if it was something I should be ashamed of. Nobody forced me to wear it tho. This is bullshit, I was smoothly made to believe that it was my own will, that it has always been so, but the truth is, it wasn't my own choice. I was forced to wear it and live my life accordingly. And during this period, nobody gave a shit about my questions, or they provided some really stupid irrational answers whenever they answered. During my late teenager years, as my problems related to Islam grew, I tried to solve it by believing that the problem was my faith; it wasn't strong enough and my nafs was so huge that I craved for an worldly life and this is why I was questioning. In university my problem got more serious, also due to not being allowed to wear my hijab at school --an interesting case about Turkey.
But mind you! don't think that my only problem was hijab. Not at all. It was the foremost problem since everyday I go out on street or making a social/business related contact with anyone, I was making a statement and declaration of my Muslim identity. Whether I wanted it or not, this was the case. What I read, watch, eat, think, etc didn't matter, I was standing there with the "Hey I am a Muslim" label on my face. It was worse because of the hatred in Turkey. The Muslims themselves were bothering me as well. They were telling me stories, fairy tales and expecting me to believe them without a doubt. How could I not use my rationality, which they claimed is God's gift to us humans? Your rationalization was ok as long as it supported, praised Islam and Allah and Quran. You would be considered a very smart person if your smarts helps you believe in Allah. The lies they told themselves and to others made me feel really bad, and angry so many times. Let me get to the point or I won't be able to rap this up
Then my faith began deteriorating more and more every day. At some point I even prayed (!) "God, wish there was some way not to believe, to find out that Islam is not true" This didn't work out too. Then I asked my self: "why am I believing? Why I am having this huge fight with my rationality, my ideas?Why I have to suffer like this?" Because I was raised a Muslim, because they that tell me that there is God and he wants us to do what we try to do. Then I asked: "How do I know this is true?" Because they told so, because I would burn for eternity if I don't believe. I am sure you can all guess how I struggled and that my first attempt was to try to save my faith, try to shut the voice of my rationality down, what questions I asked etc. Then I arrived at the point where I could believe no more. I couldn't lie to my self anymore, it was simple, I wasn't believing. All my conscious was yelling me that I was fooled, brainwashed and what they claim cannot be true.
There was only one thing left to do. To say it out loud to myself. Then my significant other, who has become an atheist long before me
, asked me: "Are you afraid to tell, to accept it?" I said "Yes." "Say it". Then I broke off my fasting with a glass of water -- I forced myself to fast in order to fix this situation
cos I was still trying to make myself forget this divergence to avoid the problems that would be awaiting me in the future and the idea of an eternal life, being able to live forever is tempting as you would agree-- and I said: "Yes I don't believe in any religion, not a Muslim anymore" This sounds silly but this is how it happened
and the rest followed like a flood, it was there already, I was never at peace with the concept of religion, I just had to admit to myself. As for God, I don't think he exists, but maybe even if there is a Creator, he isn't what religions claim him to be, he is a neutral entity that doesn't give a crap about anything.
As to why I am very pissed off..Simple: I am still forced to live like a Muslim in in many ways, can't tell anyone except my close friends. I can't tell my mom because she might have a heart attack. I could easily tell her if I knew that she would forget about me, or ignore me or dislike me. But she would blame herself and keep crying until she ends up in grave. Other would make her life miserable because of me. I live my life the way I truly believe whenever possible, but this lie, secrecy makes me so angry; not only on a personal basis, but every aspect. I hate it when people force each other like this, they claim something and behave like something else, never letting other be, I hate the hypocrisy, hate the fact that I have to hide my true self and live in secrecy as if I am some sort of criminal, as if I am harming anyone. Here in Turkey we have a moderate Islam, so my life is relatively easier since I am able to do so many things that I normally couldn't if I and my family etc were more strict --for ex. "woman shouldn't work" concept. Still I am expected to do many and not to do so many things as long as I look and act like a Muslim. So I don't think this can go on like this, I will have to make a declaration; and soon as the level of my anger indicates
I might leave my country, don't know yet. I have to do something about this while I am still young and have some years to live hopefully. But I also have to say that at least I have this source of great happiness that my other half is a great atheist
and we share a secret which sometimes offers some fun such as debating about Islam with others, or getting pissed off together
Pfff this is too long, sorry for that and for the sudden jumps between subjects.
Cheers
Topic: I am a newbie here and this is how I left Islam