VEXED IN THE CITY: A chat with Boko Haram
By Dayo Elusakin
September 16, 2011 10:38AM
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Boko Haram: Have you heard? The latest in our bomb attacks - it's coming to a higher institution near you.
Me: Yes, I heard. And, I think you guys need to cool off.
Boko Haram: You infidel! You must tremble at the might of the Boko Haram. We shall teach all of you unbelievers a lesson.
Me: Yes... I've heard about your lessons. It leaves people dead, but will do nothing in achieving what you guys want.
Boko Haram: Wait and see! We must put an end to western education. It is the only problem we have, and it is against Islam.
Me: Maybe I can rationalize that your trepidation is borne of ignorance. But, did you notice that the computer device and Internet you're employing in this chat is the result of western education?
Boko Haram: We are prepared to do whatever it takes to drive the infidels to submission.
Me: Some have suggested that there are political undertones to your actions. And the cry against western education is only a smokescreen.
Boko Haram: We have heard the same thing too. But, we have not been informed of any political inclinations. When that happens, we shall issue a statement. For now, all we know is we are fighting infidels promoting western education.
Me: If Islam is, as you claim, against the practice of western education, how come many devout Muslims are also acquiring western education?
Boko Haram: They have been corrupted. And, that is one of the things we want to stop, the corruption of our people.
Me: There are strong indications that you guys have links to the Al-Qaeda terrorist group.
Boko Haram: We are inspired by what Osama bin Laden stood for, and are also determined to avenge his killing.
Me: I hear Osama bin Laden studied economics and business administration at King Abdulaziz University. Other reports say he may have also earned degrees in civil engineering or public administration at different times.
Boko Haram: We did not know that. We will have to consult with the people we get our directives from. We will get back to you on that?
Me: And, if you discover it was true?
Boko Haram: There will be a directive for us to follow. It is not our concern to bother with that, and it is not your business!
Me: If you were to succeed in your quest to end the acquisition of western education in the country, and drive us back to the Stone Age, do you not think it would bring untold hardships to everyone including the Boko Haram?
Boko Haram: We have not been given permission to think about that. But, we are sure those who direct us will know what to do, and we will issue a statement when that happens.
Me: What if - and that is very likely - you are unsuccessful in your quest to end western education in the country? What happens?
Boko Haram: You infidel! You must doubt the effectiveness of our bombs. We are going to succeed. We have been told so, and we believe it to the death.
Me: But, government says it is now serious about curbing your excesses. New security measures are being taken by the government and private concerns to limit your threat.
Boko Haram: This is Nigeria; we all know anything can happen. All we have to do is see the right people, take care of them, and we can achieve anything.
Me: But, isn't this against your religious beliefs as well - bribing people?
Boko Haram: Since you put it that way, all we can say is we have all been corrupted, se we need to do something about western education.
Me: Since you have all also been corrupted, why not blow yourselves up and rid yourselves of the corruption. Others will see the good it has done to you, and will learn from your example.
Boko Haram: That makes some sense, but we have not been directed to do this. When we are so directed, we will do it.
Me: Do you do anything you have not been directed to do?
Boko Haram: No.
Me: Who are those who make these directions?
Boko Haram: We have not been directed to reveal that.
Me: But, of course. So, after the higher institutions, what next?
Boko Haram: We will be directed and will send e-mails to those concerned.
Me: What happens when those directing you are apprehended, like Osama bin Laden was, and dealt with?
Boko Haram: Then, we will no longer be directed. Some of us like the new iPad, maybe we can get personalized copies.
Me: Ok, then. We'll talk again then. Maybe we can have lunch and discuss global warming. Safe dude.
Boko Haram: Peace.
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Topic: A Chat with a Boko Haram member