Stumpled upon
this reddit/r/exmuslim post from a Jordanian atheist young woman who had been extremely religious.
The tale of her running to her parents and telling she couldn't believe in Islam anymore just to discover they had apostatised in secrecy sent chills down my spine.
I am a happy woman who has managed to escape the chains of Islam and all religion while still living in a Muslim country in the Middle East. Thank you r/exmuslim for existing!
Background Born and raised in Jordan. My family and everyone around me was very religious when I was growing up and so was I. By the age of 15 I memorized about half of the Quran, my parent's house was the home of religious study groups for young women like myself. I was top of my class, whether in school or religious workshops.
Deep into Islam I have always been a perfectionist, when I do something I need to give it my 100% and this is what I gave for Islam, I devoured any book I could get my hands on and I quickly became the point of reference whenever my friends or girls in school needed a fatwa.
"Leemsie, I bled today, do I have to break my fast?" "Leemsie, I dreamt about kissing a boy, is that a sin?" "Leemsie, my father hit me yesterday and I shouted at him, am I going to hell?"
I would always go back to the Quran and Hadith so that I could help them in the best most honest way possible. I enjoyed it.
The Spark that ignited it all One Ramadan while reading the Quran.. one particular Ayah caught my attention, Al Baqara 228 [Men have a degree over women], I was infuriated, "Maybe this version of the Quran has been tampered with, there is no way my beloved Allah would say such a thing about me!" I thought. I looked into all possible Tafaseer (interpretations) only to find more disappointment. I cried a lot, but then I told myself that there's probably a good reason or a good explanation somewhere, but I still blamed Allah for not wording it better.
On another day in another setting, I was reading Sahih Al Bukhari which contains a lot of things like "Say this sentence 33 times and Allah will delete a mountain of sins" and "Say this sentence 100 times and Allah will delete all of your sins", it seemed so.. Pagan and primitive to me.
"Is Allah willing to look the other way if I praise him 33 times? Does Allah accept emotional bribes? Allah cannot be this silly. This is a joke."
This mockery, in addition to a lot of violence and misogyny, led me to abandon Hadith altogether. Then all I had left was my Quran and there was no way I'm giving up on it. I decided to hold on as tight as possible, and I assumed that reading it more often and studying it thoroughly would save me from this Wiswas (devil whispers in my ear).. I was convinced that my doubts are the devil, and that it was just a test from my beloved Allah.
The more I read the more my doubts grew. I looked around me, everyone is so sure about Islam, am I possessed or crazy? "There must be something wrong with me", I cannot tell you how difficult this phase was for me, I stayed up so many nights crying, begging Allah to guide me, asking him for help.. for a sign.. anything!
The Turning Point Enter internet. I was desperate for answers, still a believer at heart, I stumbled upon a website that criticizes Islam and I was very angry. Why was I so angry? I now understand that it was because I was forced to face my own insecurities in my precious religion. I emailed the writer and asked him "What about all the scientific miracles in the Quran?"
He responded "Name one?"
...
The parents While all of this was happening, my parents had noticeably become less and less religious, we stopped hosting religious study groups and war victims from Chechnya, my dad was not talking about war and jihad anymore.. I did not pay too much attention to it then but I see it clearly now.
I'm Not Possessed?! Thanks to the internet I found someone who isn't a Muslim to talk to, he told me that it's normal not to believe and that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm tearing up now just remembering how I felt when he told me this..
"I'm not possessed? I'm not crazy? There are people like me?"
I find out that there are many ex-Muslims out there, and they have very good reasons, they are intelligent. Why did I doubt my intelligence? I will never forgive Islam for this.
I couldn't contain my excitement.. a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I had been carrying it for too long.. I ran to my mother and told her "Mom, I can not believe anymore!"
Her answer: "Have you been eavesdropping on my conversations with dad?" Turned out they have been doing a lot of reading also, mainly Abdullah Al Qusaimi (highly recommended) and Faraj Fodeh.
Now I have found happiness, science and reason. I help fellow ex-Muslims and Muslim doubters through an active Twitter page with 15,000+ followers which discusses Islam and Abrahamic religions and the living conditions of non-Muslims in Islamic countries, and most importantly, I discuss the many ways women are NOT a degree lower than men.
Another reason why I'm never going to forgive Islam is the number of suicidal and desperate messages I receive from ex-Muslims.. mostly women and homosexuals living in Saudi Arabia and around.
I will never stop criticizing Islam, the world needs to know its truth and not be deceived by the moderate mask it likes to wear whenever convenient.
Her Twitter (in Arabic):
https://twitter.com/MissSecular
Topic: "My journey from the darkness of Islam to the light of humanism"