My parents favor my brother?

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- thaman
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My parents favor my brother?
OP - November 06, 2014, 10:14 PM

Ever since I can remember my parents favored my brother over me, he's about 3 years older. I remember once as a child just straight out asking my dad when nobody else was there, who is there favorite kid, he said my brother.

Growing up their attitude has always been there and my mom is just as bad. I don't really want to write all the things I've had to deal with, it is even too upsetting to write.

Bringing Islam into the equation, I would be on a pathway to 'hell' for resenting my parents but do you guys condemn me for also resenting them, even hating them slightly in my heart, though i've never raised my voice at them, shouted or swore at them, in fact i've always tried to please them but they don't love me, your thoughts ?
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My parents favor my brother?
Reply #1 - November 07, 2014, 12:13 AM

Quote
but do you guys condemn me for also resenting them

Nope!

I couldn't really say more considering that I don't know anything about you guys, but, for what it's worth, it is kind of an awful thing to do to openly play favorites with your kids. I know that sometimes a parent may feel closer to one kid than another, but if you're going to go around saying it and treating your favorite one differently, in my opinion you should be prepared for the less-favored kids to grow to resent you for it. Your reaction is not at all out of left field, considering.
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Reply #2 - November 07, 2014, 12:42 AM

Quote from: thaman on November 06, 2014, 10:14 PM
Ever since I can remember my parents favored my brother over me, he's about 3 years older. I remember once as a child just straight out asking my dad when nobody else was there, who is there favorite kid, he said my brother.

Growing up their attitude has always been there and my mom is just as bad. I don't really want to write all the things I've had to deal with, it is even too upsetting to write.

Bringing Islam into the equation, I would be on a pathway to 'hell' for resenting my parents but do you guys condemn me for also resenting them, even hating them slightly in my heart, though i've never raised my voice at them, shouted or swore at them, in fact i've always tried to please them but they don't love me, your thoughts ?

I hope you live your life for yourself. Trying to please parents who are not pleased by you is an awful cycle. I think what you hold in your heart is always your own business, and anything bad is no harm to anyone as long as you don't act on it.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
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Reply #3 - November 07, 2014, 10:41 AM

Well I suppose I hate the things that they have done to me but I still love them as parents even if they don't feel the same.

I'll just tell you one of the things that happened many years ago, firstly I love my wife more than I could love any other woman and she is 'my other half', the one I couldn't live without, before marriage I knew diddly squat about her and in fact was only 17, I didn't want to get married, I was forced to. Now I don't hold this against them and forgive them because I love my mrs. Now this all happened about 10 years ago and my wife has suffered from miscarriages, now my dad said to my wife not too long ago after she had asked why they don't care about me, their son, he said "I should've never married you to my son". Now it's bad enough being forced into marriage when your practically a kid yourself, and actually only seeing your wife after signing the 'nikah', but after me being happily married, how could he say that to my wife ?

Now my brother is a different story, he was allowed to marry whoever he wanted and at whatever age he wanted.

Now do you understand where the resentment and sadness, I suppose comes from, and I have many such stories about my life but find it difficult to write more.

Anyways, your thoughts.

What made me start this thread was the WWYD clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDL6qO1zwW4

I watched it and then thought about my own situation. Anyway just to reassure you I am a happy person but feel that discussing things with you guys helps me to stay positive.
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My parents favor my brother?
Reply #4 - November 07, 2014, 11:13 AM

Quote from: thaman on November 06, 2014, 10:14 PM
Ever since I can remember my parents favored my brother over me, he's about 3 years older. I remember once as a child just straight out asking my dad when nobody else was there, who is there favorite kid, he said my brother.

Growing up their attitude has always been there and my mom is just as bad. I don't really want to write all the things I've had to deal with, it is even too upsetting to write.

Bringing Islam into the equation, I would be on a pathway to 'hell' for resenting my parents but do you guys condemn me for also resenting them, even hating them slightly in my heart, though i've never raised my voice at them, shouted or swore at them, in fact i've always tried to please them but they don't love me, your thoughts ?

Parents should never show favouritism to their children. As a parent myself I always try to be fair to them all.

No one can blame you for resenting such favouritism.
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Reply #5 - November 07, 2014, 01:57 PM

Oh, I couldn't ever judge you seeing as I'm fairly resentful of my own parents, some parents are unfair to their children(via favoritism or otherwise) and I've always despised the Islamic view of parents(mothers and fathers). Parents are people, some are good, some are bad, though obviously I'd recommend not letting it take over you psychologically/mentally.

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Reply #6 - November 07, 2014, 01:59 PM

When my brother was born they gave him a good name spelt correctly. But when I was born they chose a good name for me but did't spell it even close to what it should have been, I can't put my real name down and show you as it's spelt so bad that i'm the only person in the country with that name but let me just give you an example of it, say you've chosen the name Ahmed for your son and name him something like haudm, wth, didn't I even deserve to have my name spelt correctly when born.

I don't see why i'm treated differently by the same set of parents, I'm a much kinder person than my brother, I excel academically compared to him, and we look very similar.

I never start any arguments but my bro loves to argue with me and even though he'll be in the wrong, guess who mom sides with, him of course. I just don't understand but I suppose you can't change people set in there ways, I should just forgive my parents, right ?
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Reply #7 - November 07, 2014, 03:32 PM

I think it makes you interesting! I don't think that all names and all spellings are necessarily set in stone, and there's some artistic license when you're naming your kid. If it's as outrageous as you say, at least it makes an interesting story!

I know a man whose surname is super weird and awkwardly spelled, and the story he told me was that his great-grandfather (I think?) lied on his papers when he immigrated here because he wanted to have an American-sounding name to better assimilate, and made up something that looked American to him and just made a guess on how that would be spelled. I'd post his surname here, but I think he and his extended family members are pretty much the only people in this country with it, and they all show up on the front page of the google search for it (and then this page would, too, and then my cover would also be blown next time he googles himself).

Thaman, I think sometimes life gives us some bad hands, and it's okay to be angry. It's okay to feel bitter when you've been let down by your family. Just don't make the mistake of dwelling on it for any longer than you need to. Whether or not you have your parents' constant care and affection to thank for it, you sound like you've grown into a smart and decent young man. Stay amiable with them, but don't spend any more time trying to win their affections, don't sulk around in your brother's shadow, don't wonder what you're lacking that would have them care for you more. Just pull the people who really do love and support you close to you, and focus on them. You've done everything that you need to do to be a good son.
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My parents favor my brother?
Reply #8 - November 07, 2014, 05:05 PM

Quote from: Abu Ali on November 07, 2014, 11:13 AM
Parents should never show favouritism to their children. As a parent myself I always try to be fair to them all.

No one can blame you for resenting such favouritism.

Thats good of you

I cant say thats the norm though. I am an only girl and my mum by far favors my brothers and has a lot of double standards.

Sadly that is majority of the Asian culture.

"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland

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Reply #9 - November 08, 2014, 04:40 AM

Quote from: thaman on November 07, 2014, 10:41 AM
Well I suppose I hate the things that they have done to me but I still love them as parents even if they don't feel the same.

I'll just tell you one of the things that happened many years ago, firstly I love my wife more than I could love any other woman and she is 'my other half', the one I couldn't live without, before marriage I knew diddly squat about her and in fact was only 17, I didn't want to get married, I was forced to. Now I don't hold this against them and forgive them because I love my mrs. Now this all happened about 10 years ago and my wife has suffered from miscarriages, now my dad said to my wife not too long ago after she had asked why they don't care about me, their son, he said "I should've never married you to my son". Now it's bad enough being forced into marriage when your practically a kid yourself, and actually only seeing your wife after signing the 'nikah', but after me being happily married, how could he say that to my wife ?

Now my brother is a different story, he was allowed to marry whoever he wanted and at whatever age he wanted.

Now do you understand where the resentment and sadness, I suppose comes from, and I have many such stories about my life but find it difficult to write more.

Anyways, your thoughts.

What made me start this thread was the WWYD clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDL6qO1zwW4

I watched it and then thought about my own situation. Anyway just to reassure you I am a happy person but feel that discussing things with you guys helps me to stay positive.

I hope you and your wife are able to live apart from your parents. Sounds a bit stressful for both of you!

Don't let Hitler have the street.
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My parents favor my brother?
Reply #10 - November 08, 2014, 06:35 AM

Sorry to hear about this. Your childhood must have been rough.

Just keep it in mind how unfairly you were treated for when you have kids. I'm sure your kids are never going to have to deal with favoritism problems because you will be especially sensitive to it. I think sometimes the best we can do when we've been unfairly treated is to make sure we never make another human being feel that way.

"I moreover believe that any religion that has anything in it that shocks the mind of a child, cannot be a true system."
-Thomas Paine
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