I don't know how to feel or what to do anymore.

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- 9snr6
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I don't know how to feel or what to do anymore.
OP - May 11, 2016, 03:30 AM

Hey guys,

First of I just wanted to say how immensely helpful this forum and this community has been. Reading through many of your posts I do feel a sense of belonging and I can emotionally connect with a lot of the sentiments regarding Islam and why people like us would want out of it.

Ever since I was 15, I've always felt as if I never really belonged in Islam, or rather Islam was never really suited for me. I had so many different ideal and values, some were the same but many of I just cannot subscribe to. I've also had so many doubts, some of the main ones are about the violence that surrounds the spread of Islam and continues to dominate the world today, the seeming lack of equality presented to woman, people of different sexual orientations and most of all, those of other faiths.

I'm not at all saying I hate the religion, far from it. I do think it's a beautiful one, with many nice and gracious followers and the culture it has built around the globe can at the most part be beautiful. But that's not enough to convince me spiritually. I do have a belief in God, but not a God that needs a religion for us to talk to him or have faith in him. I especially don't believe in the laws that are in place to govern how we have faith, and how we choose to express that faith. This is a big problem for me, where I live, I don't have the choice, I don't have the freedom. You're born into it, groomed, then you die with it. Even if your beliefs don't match, this is the reality. (I live in Malaysia btw)

I have been thinking really long and hard about all of this, and I do so with a heavy heart. I don't know what or how to feel about any of it anymore, to be honest. Should I be feeling liberated? I don't know. What should I feel? How do I go about living my life in a religion I don't believe in? I'd love to renounce it, and I do have a plan to move out of the country, to somewhere where it's legally easier to renounce it but that's years from now.

Any help is very much appreciated, thank you.
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Reply #1 - May 11, 2016, 05:10 AM

Hello 9snr6, welcome to the forum

It's difficult to live in a country where you are not free to live how you feel. There is no right way to feel about it. I think it's common to feel grief, anger, frustration, fear, depression or any number of other emotions depending on many factors of your situation. You could also feel positively about having realized the truth of what you believe in. Of course you won't feel all of those at once, or maybe ever.

It sounds like you have a clear head about your situation and a plan to eventually get out. Those are both important. Be sure to do what is necessary to stay safe, and be careful not to post anything here that may identify you. At least until you are able to move to a safer country.

In the meantime, feel free to join us here to chat or vent as needed. Many of us have been in your position, so you should feel right at home.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
- 32nd United States President Franklin D. Roosevelt
- puzzlelover
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I don't know how to feel or what to do anymore.
Reply #2 - May 12, 2016, 01:14 AM

Welcome 9snr6.
- 9snr6
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I don't know how to feel or what to do anymore.
Reply #3 - May 12, 2016, 01:44 PM

Thank you for the welcome wishes.

Over the last few days, after making a conscious desicion to actually go through with the renounciation, my heart has been heavy.

I've been paranoid, delusional, anxious and just terrified of my future. Not so the security reasons that may come, but rather the connection with my family. I believe that if God really knew what would happen in my life, and he determined it and I do go through with it, then it really is in his hand so to speak. I also believe that if my family does love me unconditionally and our bond is way more than religion, then it might take them awhile but they'll come around.

It's difficult to want to go down the path you want for yourself, but to also not hurt your family for it.

So am I doing the right move? Am I crazy? Is me seeing "Allah loves you" car sticker on the road a "sign"?

Someone help :(
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Reply #4 - May 12, 2016, 03:05 PM

Do be careful!

You live in a totalitarian system, and quite a few of the followers of "the religion of peace" believes, that apostasy justifies violence and murder.
(Because allah is great and merciful..... makes sense, right?)

Be discreet and careful, don't become a statistic.
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I don't know how to feel or what to do anymore.
Reply #5 - May 12, 2016, 05:38 PM

Hi 9snr6! First of all welcome to the forum, and have a rabbit!
I'm glad that you found the people of this community helpful to you. It's because of people like you, who have been doubting and struggling with Islam, that I think these conversations that are had here are so important.

Firstly, I think you should not have a particular sense of expectation when it comes to leaving Islam, and the separating or distancing oneself from it. The act of doing so will end up giving you new perspective and appreciate different opportunities, but this comes with time, and undoubtedly a bit of struggle. I'm glad you have a plan to move to a freer country, but as you said, this will take time to enact.

In the meantime, I think it is important for you to try to settle yourself in whatever way you can. This moment for you is one of both challenge and change, and those bring with them emotional turmoil. It can be frustrating to be seeing a lot of things now, about religion and the way of life that you had become so accustomed to in a different light, having renounced the religion of Islam. I would say that one of the things that can help is to really appreciate this new perspective of yours. Sharing these insights on the forum can be an excellent form of that.

It can also help to contain the urge to rebel, or act out in some way, against the things that you see around you that you know are wrong. At this point I take it that you are still young, and maybe dependent on your family in some ways? The reality is that looking out for one's safety needs to be the first priority, and this requires being careful, both in public and in front of family. I hope you have also read about how to access the forum from a muslim country: http://www.councilofexmuslims.com/index.php?topic=8070.0

Anyway, I hope that you do not take any rash choice. You are right in that eventually your parents would come around if they love you unconditionally, mine are able to be supportive of me as if I had never left Islam. However, you should probably wait to tell them until your situation is more secure. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you are not daunted by the situation. Gaining perspective outside of Islamic dogma is a very rewarding experience, if you can have patience for its challenges. And please feel free to seek out more, and specific advice, and you can always pm me as well. Cheers!

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harakaat, friend, RIP
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