Analytically approaching depression
OP - March 08, 2014, 08:54 PM
I've got to the point where it is quite plausible that I will be destroying my education. The protestations of the psychiatrist notwithstanding, I literally cannot afford to waste any more of my time in this debilitating state. In an ideal world I'd spend years trying out different meds and finally settling on the best of them, but this is not an option when I spend approx. 16-18 hours of my day lying in bed.
Currently the points worth phenomenologically considering are:
1) I do not believe that I have any self worth. Even when people tell me I am talented at things, I generally dismiss their compliments with a nonchalant shrug. As such, I have felt no motivation to pursue anything of interest for quite a while.
2) I cannot understand people. Due to a certain physical disability, I am reliant upon aid when I decide to show my face in public. I believe that people cannot fully express their emotions next to me, and this makes me paranoid, anxious, and unable to dispense with overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. In fact, I can't remember the last time I went to a social gathering sober, which is worrying.
3) due to having very few friends prior to starting university, I suppose I had to construct an epistemological bedrock post-apostasy. Philosophy, sociology, history, science, music, literature, non-conformism and (at times) excessive self-criticism were the cornerstones of this existence. Resultantly, I have been unable to establish healthy rapport with muslims for a long time. This is problematic because I'm going to require family support but they're simply not willing to have the conversations that I want to partake in, and nor will they be able to constructively help me with my depression. i would wager that the unspoken sentiment they harbour is that I've strayed from the deen and merely need to reconnect with my fitra. Of course, this is implausible.
due to 1) 2) and (recently) 3) i have turned to the internet, music, books, drugs and sleeping, as i feel safe and don't have to grapple with overwhelming emotional breakdowns. I can understand these escapes, whilst i cannot cognise much of the outside world. i hasten to add, however, that i do not enjoy these activities, i merely feel comfortable when i partake in them.
I (believe) that I can pinpoint a few things that need to be done so that things can get back on track.
1) come out to family re: apostasy. I've tried this before, but it's always 'Allah knows best, don't ask too many questions'. Due to my apostasy largely being predicated on abstruse islamic theology and Wittgensteinian paradigms esp. re: private language, metaphysics etc, i'm not sure how I'll manage to achieve this task with aplomb. i feel, nevertheless, that if i keep up the pretence of being a muslim, we'll a) make no headway with regards to my mental state and B) unnecessary arguments will ensue (aggravating the situation further) if it so happens that I have transgressed an islamic ruling.
2) seek out a therapist. every NHS therapist I've been to in the past has always emphasised cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT.) My problem with this approach is that it is not nearly materialist enough and focuses way too much on the individual as opposed to the social milieu of said individual. Granted, i am not claiming that one can completely alter their social circumstances, but maybe i need to face some uncomfortable truths about my environment.
3) try and cut back on alcohol, cigarettes and other pharmaceuticals. i am willing to do this, but i fear that there will always be the temptation to down a bottle and escape suicidal despair.
4) exercise. At the moment i dread the prospect of signing up for the gym, as they will need to carry out a health and safety risk assessment, as well as request that i bring a volunteer along with me. i am in no fit state to deal with this bureaucracy, and the idea of going to the gym with assistance is not a confidence and morale booster, so i just give up whenever i have an opportunity to sort this shit out.
5) fix sleeping pattern.
6) eat healthily. i am a terrible cook who makes food that could hardly be called edible, and i don't want to rely on the family household for food. thus, i occasionally eat fast food and rely on mezes, fruits, crisps and dark chocolate for the rest of my dietary needs. This is assuming that i actually remember to eat. i generally eat once a day, and only enough for me to take my antidepressant.
7) make an effort to develop more meaningful social interactions. i am not shy, and i can hold my own in a conversation, but i find most of my interactions to be boring and/or uninteresting — either that, or i find that i am a burden on everyone else and would rather not be there.
Thoughts?
Topic: Analytically approaching depression