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- muhandis
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Hi everyone
OP - February 06, 2013, 11:25 PM

Hi everyone, I'm not technically new here, I came once before. I was in a really horrible situation and came here for support. needless to say it didn't go very well and I was sort of rejected by the community here and ended up going back to Islam for a bit. i've never really been the same anymore though, I dont pray my salaah any more at all, like zero. I dont believe and all I want to do is just get on with my life. Im stuck in a marriage and could never tell my wife I dont believe in islam anymore and we have children.

I try to just be involved in the muslim community and bide my time that way but it just stresses me out too much. Honestly the muslim community really annoys me, and I'm sick of it. The whole muslim world is in such a mess and people are just content to let it be like that. They think they don't need to change anything.

So I'm fed up. I stopped believing in islam ages ago but thought I could at least do something constructive for the muslim world. But I'm passed even that now. I just want to enjoy my own life in peace and quiet. I get a headache thinking about islam and it just distracts me needlessly from work and studies.

I'm stuck in a marriage with some children and have absolutely no idea how to get out of that now.

Can really use some idea's on how to live a double life. I'm not really bothered about campaigning against Islam, I'm really passed caring about the state of the world now, I feel tired and drained and just want to enjoy my life. I don't really care about secular activism and such like, I just need a strategy on how to best handle my own personal situation so that I can enjoy my life in the UK in peace. I'm done worrying about how bad things are in pakistan or bangladesh or palestine. If muslims dont want to help themselves why should I give a damn about the plight of their countries. I live in a developed country, I have a good job and good future, I can live a comfortable life, I just want to do that in peace.

I'm like an addict though. I think this, and don't believe in any of the crap we're taught, yet still find myself watching lectures, debating on the side of Islam, trying to do things for muslims etc. I just want a strategy for plying myself away from all that once and for all and focusing on myself and my own happiness. I really need a way out so that there is nothing to drag me back in.

I will most likely be working away from home in future so I can enjoy my peace and quiet during the weeks but still have to return home on weekends and live a lie. Is divorce an option? Should I stay married and thank my lucky stars for my freedom on weekdays?

Your help is much appreciated
- ibn Bilal
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- سلاسي هو المسيح
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Reply #1 - February 06, 2013, 11:39 PM

Hey Muhandis,

I found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago and I really do know exactly how you feel. I was married, with kids, and secretly an apostate—a prisoner of my own unfortunate circumstances. It was extremely difficult. I don’t know that I have any answers for you, as I’m not sure that I would wish what happened to me on anyone else. I would suggest that you begin to prepare yourself—mentally, financially, and legally—for whatever the worse possible foreseeable outcome may be. In the mean time, having a place like this to come and meet like minded people with similar stories and backgrounds has been especially helpful.

I also found these words by the late Steve Jobs to be particularly inspiring. I have them hanging in my office today. Best of luck to you.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your own heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

PS, here are some blessed animals
- Crunchy Cds
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- The artist
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Reply #2 - February 07, 2013, 03:23 PM

I'm sorry about your situation :/ I hope you find inner peace somehow.

***~Church is where bad people go to hide~***
- moi
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Reply #3 - February 07, 2013, 03:34 PM

If you want to live a double life, have you thought about training as a spy?.......

Theatre is of course also about taking on different roles and personas...

When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.

A.A. Milne,

"We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
- The Defiant
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Reply #4 - February 09, 2013, 01:06 AM

Hi Muhandis,
I think I remember you alright. You checked in around 8mths ago, caused a minor stir. Appologies if I have you wrong but from what I remember it was your interests outside the family home that got some of the members backs up. I do recall trying to help out with a bit of advice though.
Also you should bare in mind that many people on this forum come here with a secular agenda and a desire to see a strengthening of freedom of expression throughout the world. So when you come here and say you don't care about that stuff you just want to have a nice life it's bound to rattle a few cages.

Quote
"I'm stuck in a marriage with some children and have absolutely no idea how to get out of that now."

Without meaning to sound harsh you don't even come across as being overally concerned about your kids. Maybe you are ......TBC
- The Defiant
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Reply #5 - February 09, 2013, 01:21 AM

Well let me ask you some questions, why are you still married, is it because you can't bare to loose your kids or is it because you don't know how to go about ending it?

If there were no kids involved, is there anyway you could still stay with your wife, is there any spark at all left in the relationship?

If you did seperate and lost your kids, have you any plans or ideas about what you might do next?

If you can answer these questions honestly, that's up to you if you want to or not but if you do I think you'll have your answer.
- muhandis
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Reply #6 - February 12, 2013, 02:34 PM

Hi doubting thomas.

I think my kids are a big factor why I stay. I don't think its the only reason. Its hard to explain things really. My kids mean im tied to my wife forever really. But also divorce is difficult for other reasons too.

Yes people may dislike my life choices. But at the end of the day, we don't all have to become militant atheists. Personally I don't have the "internal energy" for that kind of thing. I just don't feel strongly enough about it.

I think people should be less judgemental, we all have different backgrounds. To be honest that sort of attitude, being judgemental towards me and demanding that i think a certain way, just felt like Ive left one religion for another.

Im not concerned about my kids being raised muslim as I dont really hate Islam. I think all religions are equally bad. On one hand, at least my kids wont face some of the problems western children face, e.g. pressure to have sex etc. On the other hand, they may want to live their lives differently to islam, in which case at least they have one less parent on their back and I cna always provide them a safe haven etc. Its their choice though at the end of the day. there is no way I will have a full on confrontation with my wifes community by openly abandoning islam and demanding my kids be raised non muslims. I dont have the energy for that kind of conflict.

My marriage goes through ups and downs, when we argue, as my wife can be really rude, but when I try to leave and start preparinmg to move out etc she always pretty much begs me to stay and it makes it difficult to leave. We also go through ok phases where we dont argue so much. I also go through phrases where I lean a bit more towards islam again. I never pray 5 times a day or anything.

I'm just a mess really.

But I definitely didnt feel that coming here made that any easier last time to be honest.

To answer your question. no there isnt really a spark. Even when we get on ok, I dont feel any love for her whatsoever, we just get on ok. Im definitely not in love with her. I do end up in brothels and that was what I think riled everyone before (that and my lack of interest in militant atheism) but I kind of resent my wife for being a major obstacle in me ever having a love relationship. I only have one shot at life and love is probabily the best thing in life (or so the movies tell me). I cant escape from my marriage and thus can never find a partner Im actually happy with. So I end up sneaking our to brothels instead. Which isnt the best idea I know. But what even is morality anyway? opposition to prostitution and adultery could in and of itself be a social construct.
- muhandis
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Reply #7 - February 12, 2013, 02:40 PM

I usually come here when I hit my rock bottom low points (like a few days ago when I posted this thread). I guess Im seeking some solice in the ex muslim community as Im struggling with my choice to embrace islam and its consequences on my own life. Im not a good person, and maybe its wrong some of the stuff I do, but I always thought atheists were supposed to oppose moral judgements on people to be honest. We all have our problems and issues in life. I hope I can eventually escape from my marriage and go do my own thing. I do care about my kids, I dont know if thats what keeps my in the marriage. Its really hard to say. I guess I dont have a lot of answers
- muhandis
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Reply #8 - February 12, 2013, 02:50 PM

Thanks for the welcome everyone else.

I am preparing financially for a possible move to another city, thats always an option.

moi no i dont "want" to live a double life, its a situation that found me and I dont wish it upon anyone
- Crunchy Cds
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Reply #9 - February 12, 2013, 03:52 PM

Whatever decision you make, make sure you carefully weight the pros and cons. It's really frustrating that one's beliefs can cause great joy in one, and then great suffering in another. I'm also sorry that you are 'stuck' in a relationships. I'm not if you were pressured in your relationship. But I always feel that in cultures were one MUST get married quite young and start having families as pressured by the communities, things always end up 'ok' with the morality of religious laws which strongly ties the relationship together for eternity. That being said, not all marriages work out regardless of culture. Going to a brothel behind you're wife's back is kind of bad, on a strictly morality sense. However, on the other side, brothels main purpose was to relieve the sexual tensions of men so they don't become sexually frustrated and violent and possibly lead towards rape (very ironic when you see how 'purity cultures' view this practice) I'm sure, like I said weigh out the outcomes, because if you divorce you may not be able to come back.

***~Church is where bad people go to hide~***
- muhandis
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Reply #10 - February 14, 2013, 07:35 PM

Thanks for being understanding and non judgemental.

Yeah its a tough situation. Not sure what to do. For now I guess I'll keep plodding along until I figure out what i really want to do
- MB
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Reply #11 - February 14, 2013, 09:44 PM

You are stuck in a tough situation but you need to understand that this isn't just about you, you have a wife and children that need a caring and involved father. If you are not in love with your wife then do her a favor and get a divorce so that she can move on, both of you deserve a chance at happiness. Sometimes we have to make tough choices in life but they pay off in the end even if it hurts now.
Freedom is a state of mind.

Women are the only exploited group in history to have been idealized into powerlessness.
―Erica Jong
- The Defiant
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Reply #12 - February 14, 2013, 10:34 PM

I'm glad you answered my questions, it gives me a better understanding of your mindset and strangley enough I find we have more in common than I first thought.
Anyway to make some points.
A. I don't think everyone here is a militant atheist or those that are expects everyone to share that mindset, without wanting to sound too pretentious I consider myself more of a secular humanist.
B. You obviously do care about your kids so sorry if I came across as being harsh on questioning you about this.
C. I wouldn't expect nor encourage you to openly apostate against your wife and local ummah. If you do decide to split up it's better not to make that an issue as it could be used against you as a way of denying you access to your kids.
D. I don't judge you on your brothel visits and I respect your honesty in the picture you've painted of yourself and your life.
T.B.C
- The Defiant
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Reply #13 - February 14, 2013, 10:40 PM

And finally
E. From what I read the writting's on the wall. You know you want to seperate and it's probably only a matter of time before you do. You just haven't figured out how to go about doing this.
So for the time being you must make sure you keep good relations with your kids, keep up the islamo front for the sake of access to the kids, put some money aside and maybe seek some legal advice about where you stand regarding your rights to your children.
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