Dealing with bad Parents?

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- BreakerofVows
- Ex-Muslim
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Dealing with bad Parents?
OP - December 09, 2013, 10:10 AM

Hi,

OK, I am not one to ask for online support and I don't have enough people in my real life who can help, so I guess this was a last resort option so ermm, not sure if it will do any good. As the title suggests, how do we deal with parents who are so bad (note: not evil!) who continually make our lives more of a struggle than it already is?

I am an apostate and like most here, I haven't told anyone and I wouldnt dare. Everytime the conversation turns to Islam, we have to have a "family chat" (and there are 8 of us altogether) which means we're all in the same room hearing the same shit for a good half an hour. So much crap comes out my ears feel like they hurt. My mind is desperate just to tell them "I'm not a Muslim anymore, ha! So piss off and stop talking so much crap and just live your lives with the friggin' freedom and human rights someone else fought over for you!". But obviously I can't.

Just to make things worse my parents are also autocratic and narcissistic. My Dad is generally more autocratic constantly, CONSTANTLY, trying to make me more "manly" by always repeating his suggestions to do karate or weight training or to be on the alert and ready to fight anyone and to protect my female siblings, etc. etc. They're not damsels in distress! They can handle themselves probably more than me. I am so sick of him lecturing me more and more and more. I am an adult male but to him I must be Superman or else I am a failure. He is an Ultra-Orthodox man and conservative culturally and so there is no budging him on anything. You don't talk to him, you listen. You dont question, you remain subservient.

My Mom is just the same, but sadly she is totally uneducated so when she suggests things, I am seething in anger, how can someone with no education tell someone what to do? Shes gives jobs advice, mortgage advice, financial advice, life advice and none of it actually holds up to any scrutiny but she doesn't care because she automatically believes everything she says must be right. Gaah!!!! She has such destructively narcissistic tendencies that I have no longer any really relationship with her. I am polite and reasonable and no more or no less

I am starting to feel desperately isolated in my family, glum but not quite depressed and utterly hopeless. My golden rules are the three keeps; keep quiet, keep your head down and keep busy. I am in my second year of Uni and have one more Semester to go before Summer holidays kick in. I know in my third year I have a big dissertation and that should hopefully keep them off my back for a while but I am scared about whether I can even make it till then. Sometimes I truly feel like I want to run away or just quietly lock the bedroom door and have a good weep.

Any advice?
- yeezevee
- Pub Regular
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Dealing with bad Parents?
Reply #1 - December 09, 2013, 12:51 PM

Quote from: BreakerofVows on December 09, 2013, 10:10 AM
Hi,

OK, I am not one to ask for online support and I don't have enough people in my real life who can help, so I guess this was a last resort option so ermm, not sure if it will do any good. As the title suggests, how do we deal with parents who are so bad (note: not evil!) who continually make our lives more of a struggle than it already is?

I am starting to feel desperately isolated in my family, glum but not quite depressed and utterly hopeless. My golden rules are the three keeps; keep quiet, keep your head down and keep busy.

Any advice?

Hi BreakerofVows ., I would consider this as the one of the most important posts of this forum. You may not be asking for online support but you certainly gave that wonderful "THREE KEEP "RULE" Advice. Yes for young folks who are financially dependent on parents/other family member's this "keep quiet, keep your head down and keep busy" golden rule will do wonders to get on with life without a lot of emotional trauma attached to that day to day life..
Quote
....I am in my second year of Uni and have one more Semester to go before Summer holidays kick in. I know in my third year I have a big dissertation and that should hopefully keep them off my back for a while but I am scared about whether I can even make it till then. Sometimes I truly feel like I want to run away or just quietly lock the bedroom door and have a good weep.

No..no..no., noooooo

no running away and no crying.,

Take a walk.. take deep breaths.. Go run do some exercise, and keep smiling. Well start working on that Uni Project., get busy And if you want to cry come to cemb.. and throw all that rant in to the forum.. have bit fun with strangers.. Teach them.. learn from them. After all, you are in the University and 3rd year, one more year you will have you own wings.

So what do you do in Uni? I mean what field?

with best wishes
yeezevee

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
- three
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Dealing with bad Parents?
Reply #2 - December 09, 2013, 03:12 PM

Hello, it sounds, actually, that you are doing quite well. Your rules are wonderful, and you are maintaining your self control. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I come here and it makes me immensely comfortable. I hope some other younger folk in your shoes here have some supportive suggestions.
I never had parents telling me what to do, so I cannot tell you how to cope with it. Again, you sound to be handling it well. Baby steps, breathe, one hour at a time. Break it down into minutes when you have to.

Don't let Hitler have the street.
- Nour
- Ex-Muslim
- Misanthropic ex-'revert'
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Dealing with bad Parents?
Reply #3 - December 09, 2013, 06:18 PM

Hey, I don't come from the same kind of background as you but I too have a mother who has narcissistic tendencies and is quite self-centered and a bit controlling. I'm in my mid-30s and I still have a hard time standing up to her.

I like your "three keeps", stick with this rule until you can move out. If possible, maybe try to find a part time job so you can start saving up money. If you can't work until you finish uni then just continue to keep your head down and get the hell outa there once you graduate.

Good luck!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The sleeper has awakened - Dune

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish!
- Cornflower
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Dealing with bad Parents?
Reply #4 - December 09, 2013, 06:25 PM

I wished I had some miracle cure to share with you, but the best thing to do is to suck it up and do exactly what you've been doing up until now. You've endured thus far, another year or year and a half will fly away and be over soon.

If it feels any better, I know exactly what you feel like even though my story is a bit different. My father was an absent garbage of a man, but when he was around he was either harmfully negligent or thaught he could control us despite the fact that he doesn't even KNOW us. My mother could have been a better mother and caregiver. But considering what kind of a psycho she spent her entire life with, it's a miracle she could manage the way she did (I love her dearly, she's gotten her shit together the last 5 years or so). She was extremely strict, controling, authorative........ Over the years I've come to the conclusion that patience is often ones best friend, even though you think you'll go crazy. One more year, and you're free :-)

"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
- scamper_22
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Dealing with bad Parents?
Reply #5 - December 09, 2013, 06:39 PM

and my advice

Yeah, parents are a huge struggle.
Mine were never as bad. When I was younger, I thought my dad was bad, but these days, my mother is the most difficult. As you call it, the "destructively narcissistic tendencies" are just ridiculous. I can't even deal with it. My dad, for all his faults, can at least be quiet and move on with life. He was never a violent man or anything like that.

In any case, while you are financially dependent on them, you have the right advice.
Keep quiet, keep your head down and keep busy.

The hard part in my view comes when you actually become independent. Right now, it looks like you just do what you do because you have to finish school... The '3 keeps' make sense and you can justify them. However, actually doing things against their wishes when push comes to shove, even when you're out of the house and financially independent can be very hard.

Like I said, for me, my mother is the most difficult. Always one to talk about not gossiping, being accepting... but let's just say all that gets thrown out the window. The more I went against her wishes, the more she would employ whatever means. In the end, we're at a spot now, where I just do formalities and act civil. I don't know about you, but I really cannot fight on their level and I'm severely outnumbered; not to mention that she's a mother and I'm just a son.

Anyways, just keep it in mind is all I'm saying. Being financially independent is a big thing. But it's not the only thing. And if you've been subservient for 25 years, that's not suddenly going to change.

Now my advice. Some of this came late to me. I'm now in my 30s. But maybe you can take something from it. Then again, I would have probably dismissed most of it when I was younger Tongue

1. Exercise... exercise... exercise. It kills stress and makes you just feel better. It's also a reasonably healthy activity that you can do outside the house. Do not underestimate the link between your physical and mental. Learn to breathe, meditate, spend time with good friends...

2. Focus on yourself. Wishing for different parents or people isn't going to change anything. You can only focus on you. Being raised by narcissistic and autocratic parents HAS affected you. We all have odd personality traits/disorders and you should really focus on some self-reflection to see how such things have negatively affected you. I was at a family function a few months back and one of the guys there was a doctor who married into the family and he basically said something like "pretty much everyone in this room would be classified as having a personality disorder". And it's probably true if you ask me. Sometimes even things you think are positive about you can in fact be negative. For example, I was often agreeable growing up (mostly to avoid confrontation). The result was that I felt a lot of resentment. But really... a trait most people would have seen as my positive, I now see as a huge negative. I didn't learn how to argue, constructively get I want, be willing to trust myself... I am learning it now, but it's not easy. See a therapist, read books

3. Find a new community of people. Even if just a few people. Prod your siblings and cousins as much as you can to see who would be okay with you if you were more open.

4. Re-evaluate 'who' you are and what values you actually hold. This is the hardest struggle. But look at how much of what you are is just a reaction to having the kind of parents you have had. Try not to do things out of spite, hate, tradition, fear...
- Cornflower
- Ex-Muslim
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Dealing with bad Parents?
Reply #6 - December 09, 2013, 06:57 PM

Great advice! Especially the "focus on yourself". That's what I've been doing since I was 19 up until now and it has helped me immensly to understand myself, why I am the way I am and how to be a better person. And how to FEEL better. Not to go down the same lane as my parents and not make the same mistakes. I really relate to the "everyone in this room..." comment from the doctor, it's crazy that "sane individuals" are scarse to find on both sides of the family. I didn't want to end up like my father, narcissist with psychopathis tendencies, nor my mother, the mano depressive autocratic parent.

"The healthiest people I know are those who are the first to label themselves fucked up." - three
- BreakerofVows
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Dealing with bad Parents?
Reply #7 - December 11, 2013, 10:19 AM

Hi,

Thanks all for your wonderful feedback, I've looked through and see lots of comforting words.

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So what do you do in Uni? I mean what field?

I am on a Business degree. Its quite easy if I'm honest so it doesn't really keep more attentive, mostly bored.

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Over the years I've come to the conclusion that patience is often ones best friend, even though you think you'll go crazy. One more year, and you're free :-)

Thank you Cornflower, they always say patience is a virtue, but patience always runs out right?! I'm sometimes of the mindset that my body seems to give up on life. I work hard and try to be the "good" son but it's not that the appreciation doesn't come, it's that there isn't any acknowledgement in the first place. How can people may you do so much for so little? Sometimes I wonder how people like that work. T_T

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Focus on yourself. Wishing for different parents or people isn't going to change anything. You can only focus on you. Being raised by narcissistic and autocratic parents HAS affected you.

YES, YES, YES! This is definitely true and I think it's changed me for the worse, I am just too meek in front of them and sooooo introverted. :( But in my mind I'm a rebellious little twat hehehehe. I am planning on leaving home once I have graduated, to teach somewhere far, far, away. Its better than being stuck in the same house as them. Problem is I need that degree to teach otherwise I would have left a loooong time ago!

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4. Re-evaluate 'who' you are and what values you actually hold. This is the hardest struggle. But look at how much of what you are is just a reaction to having the kind of parents you have had. Try not to do things out of spite, hate, tradition, fear...

You have good advice! I have done this already and I am very glad I did - it's what led me here.
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