Psychologically damaged
OP - April 09, 2013, 09:02 PM
Hey all, not sure where to start... Grew up in a Muslim family,( still consider myself Muslim btw), relatively liberal but still semi practicing. I myself became a cultural Muslim/humanist but still had faith having not studied Islam very deeply at all. Met a girl, and the thought of future came up. She's Catholic. We talked of 'best of both worlds' interfaith marriage as a pipe dream. I then told my parents of my thoughts. They warned me off interfaith marriage using the usual South Asian spiel. Anyway, long story short my girl had been looking into Islam and hastily converted after dawahganda, they told her he rparents were going to hell and that God forbid she be hit by a bus without converting. They also talked of the reward they would get. To be an 'example' I became fervently religious overnight. Started reading a whole host of things focussed on relationships, became consumed by guilt and put a strain on what was a great relationship.
AFter a while I thought to myself, religion is driving us apart. I started to look at the other side of the coin but remained devout. Found this place which showed me other arguments. I do feel the bigge rpicture of Islam makes perfect sense (prohibition of interest, alcohol, adultery etc) but I felt if I was to give up a large portion of what I enjoy (music mainly) then I need to be sure its true. I researched the scientific miracles stuff and found out the truth. There were a few things that happened during my devout phase that I felt were signs from Allah. Just random coincidences but they play on my mind. Also, the Doomsday prophecies by Muhammad (SAW) such as bedouins competing to build tall buildings etc keep my faith. I am consumed by guilt and fear of Hell though. With the doomsday prophecies some seem eerily accurate.
There's also the issue of family and my girl. They saw my initial burst of religiosity and subsequent decline. I told them of certain doubts and they feel it's the girl's fault and have pressured me to leave her. I now see her in secret but its hard living a lie. . I keep getting thoughts of being influenced by satanic whisperings, trapped by the dunya, you know the usual. I'm also dreading having a 'veil over my heart'. I'm struggling to see what reality is. There's cultural pressures plus I'm neither here nor there faith wise. Don't know how many of you have been through this but thouht I'd just share.
For the record, before my religious phase I felt there should be no barriers between people, religion race etc. I feel I was a good person beforehand while not strictly adhering to my religion. I was convinced Islam was true because I'd been born into it. These coincidences or 'signs' strenghtened my faith but I kept asking myself 'what if its all bullshit?' I talked to some Muslim friends about my doubts they advised to speak to scholars but I kinda know what answers I'll get. Sorry if I've rambled but I just thought I'd share how I'm feeling.
Don't read all those science books bro, you'll just get more confused.
That's funny. The more science I read, the less confused I get.
Topic: Psychologically damaged