Here goes.....
I have always had doubts but was told that I didnt understand Classical Arabic, needed "Scholars" to decrypt the immoral, sexist, false scientific claims of the quran, or was a mere mortal and in no place to judge Allah. I didn’t know any Somali atheists or ex muslims that I could speak to. I was also afraid of asking people outside of the muslim culture because we were always taught that non-Muslims were hell bent on leading you astray. I felt that I would not get the full story from them.
This coupled with the fact that I am a homosexual didn’t help the situation. I can remember being afraid to think thoughts that would lead me to question Islam.
I remember one day I was on the bus and saw a beautiful girl, she smiled at me and I felt happy and shy right after that the guilt set in. Here I was 15 years old feeling guilty of having a simple human reaction of joy/slight crush. How can I live if my own mind is not a refuge! What started out as a beautiful moment on that bus, lead me to tears.
This started a small insurrection in my mind, I was still too fearful and indoctrinated to speak out and demand more concrete answers, but silently I began to question. For instance whenever someone would mention anything about hadith, quran, or sunnah I would make it a point to judge it without fear. It was hard, sometimes I would fail because of fear of hell, but sometimes I would win.
I grew older, found out how bogus the miracles the quran claims were, and how insane it is to seek a moral compass in a religion that’s immoral.
I grew bolder and decided to come out to my mother. She beat me and said she should have left me to die back home if this was how I would turn out. Heartbreaking to say the least. I didn’t tell her I was also in the process of leaving Islam, I wanted to test the waters, but this showed me where I stood and what I needed to do.
Many people don’t know just how hard it is to question, sometimes the answer is right there but because of all the fear that religion has cultivated it’s like you’re reading something completely different than what everyone else is.
The best part is when you have gotten to the point of such strength of mind that you realize you don’t even fear if this horrible god did exist because if this god did exist then who needs the devil!
Also it’s easy to look on muslims or other religious people and laugh or mock them but it’s truly a beautiful and terrifying thing when you can look with compassion, even at your own mother who is beating you and spitting in your face but still has the audacity to claim the higher moral ground.
When you get to the point that there is no question they can throw at you that you can’t answer, when there isn’t any threat physical or otherwise that doesn’t inspire fear in you, if there is something divine then its that moment.
Have a great day guys!
Topic: Xiis-ExMuslim Somalilander Story