Hi everyone
Warning: this will pretty rambly and quite long, because I like to go on with myself a bit
I'm a 16 year old girl, I was raised as a Muslim, my Mum and my older brother are intensely religious, and everyone else in my family is borderline especially my Dad who doesn't even pray unless my mum nags at him, but they all still hold pretty islamic, backwards beliefs.
For the past two years or so I've occasional doubts about Islam and religion in general, but until these last couple of months I just ignored these doubts and dismissed it as the devil trying to mislead me. However for these past few months I've been unable to get past my doubts especially because my and my brother debate various aspects of Islam so much, and he just blindly follows it, e.g. a while ago we were talking about the prophet's marriage to Aisha, and he said "It doesn't matter how old she was, because Allah ordered it, and who are we to question Allah?"
So I've been trying to researching Islam, in an attempt to solidify my beliefs and find answers for things that were bothering me, but the more I searched, to further I was driven from Islam, I can't believe some of the things I've read about this religion I've been following my whole life! Its just so far from this peaceful idyllic image I had of Islam, all the pretty nasheeds, and cute books about Islam I read as a kid, it was all essentially propaganda. I discovered this hateful vindictive god, that WANTED to put us all into hell. I mean, according to the prophet most Muslims are going to hell right along with all the "kafirs". I discovered all the contradictions and mistakes in the Qur'an. This stunned me the most. My whole life I had been led to believe the Qur'an was infallible, but that turned out to be a pack of lies. I hadn't even heard of most of the criticisms of Islam until now, and that disturbed me. Even these so called "miracles of the Qur'an" were all lies. All belief I had left in Islam was completely destroyed.
So I am now an ex muslim. An apostate. An atheist. It feels really weird saying this because somewhere inside me I'm still fear that I will go to hell for this, even though I know this is completely irrational, because I KNOW the Islamic idea of "God" doesn't exist. Allah has too many human faults and characteristics to be an omniscient, benevolent, God.
But I do have one religion related problem in my life still. My family. As long as I live here with them, which is for another 2 years at least, I can't be public about this. Even though I don't believe anymore, I'm still going to have to go through the motions, carry on wearing hijab, pretend to pray, fast etc. And I don't know how I'll be able to cope doing this for another two years. Especially with wearing the hijab. When I believed, I felt self conscious enough about it, but now I don't, it just pisses me off. I now have to wear a piece of cloth that allies me with beliefs I do not want any part in, but I've got no other choice.
I'm just going to have to live like this for the next two years. It'll be funny looking back on it anyway, considering I'm starting a Catholic sixth form next week, I'll be the Atheist pretending to be a Muslim at a Catholic school. What a a fucked up situation.
Sorry for the big moan I had in the last paragraph, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about this honestly in real life, so I just needed somewhere to vent a little.
Thanks for reading
Topic: Hi everyone :D