ahem
cough cough
- deep breath to buy time to remember -
I was raised without "religion" as we know it
my native mother believed in a creator (native american style); I usually say indian, but there are many actual indians here; I'd say american, but them blasted united staters hijacked the word; I'll say injun from now on
my white step-father is an atheist (I think); we don't really get along, so I never bothered to ask; but he never asserted a gawd heaven hell faith or any other such clap trap
my white dad was an actual atheist, but he only ever questioned the xmas requirement as opposed to just celebrating his own birthday; aside from that, he taught me to criticize my own actions, and the possible consequences thereof; all he said about religion was, "I don't believe it"
however
I grew up in a very christian town; for example, there was a law passed at one point, that bars and clubs and whatnot be closed at 10pm on saturdays, so as that nobody would have an excuse to miss sunday morning mass
so I had faithful friends; got introduced to the boy scouts (I quit because I felt - not my parents - the cost just didn't justify the gain); also got introduced to sunday school, had a blast, though the teacher wasn't happy, I kept trying to mesh the stories with reality, I guess you're not suppose to do that "if you're going to be a clown, please leave" to which I told her "if I leave, I won't come back" the reply was a basic "that's fine" I was nine
gawd however, followed me for some damnable reason
I joined the sea cadets at twelve; talk about a blast, this organizational rocked; uniforms, books, direction, knowledge, travel, fun, all paid by the "department of defense" of canada, hell, even a sneeze is good for free (I might one day tell you about sneezes); gawd save the queen, a few prayers now and again, blah blah; but for the most part, how to be a better citizen
at sixteen I had a few personal upheavals; my mother joined alcoholics anonymous (gawd is part and parcel with the program), met some people with wild ideas (crop circles are just alien road signs, like "highway 42, 80km/h, such and such exit next left" blah blah) dropped out of high school, made some new friends, got into pot, moved to penticton; had a grand time on dope and welfare, and I started to develop an idea of A gawd; such as a forgiving gawd, as I didn't see that any of my petty sins could warrant eternal damnation, that and something my mother once said, "after everything that people suffer here on earth, do you think it's fair that they suffer worse after death?", so I figured that a gawd who couldn't forgive petty sins wasn't worth worshiping, I still felt that good people go to a better place, and bad people should go to a worse place, but that was still very vague
the perfect spiritual vagabond if I do say so myself,
then I had a revelation (oooOOOooo
), I was doing shooms and having a good time when a thought hit me and looked at my buddies with wild eyes
"I've found gawd," they looked at me big eyed, "gawd is everywhere, right? he's everything, can do anything right???", "dude, you're scarin us", "just wait, you ain't scared yet" I said with a maniacal grin "there's something else that's everything, everywhere and can do anything.... energy... everything is energy... this cup is energy, this table is energy, you and you and me we're all energy, energy in different forms but energy non the less, change the composition of the energy in something and it becomes something else" now I was panting with excitement "DUDE STOP", "energy meld and become one with other energy" I steam rolled over him, "so what???" I flopped down onto the floor doing the funky chicken "WHY CAN'T I MELD???"
thankfully laughter destroyed the tension I'd ratcheted up, I was nineteen
however, the idea stuck
so my quest began, halfhearted mind you; information was attained, absorbed, retained or discarded as to what I saw fit with reality (I should mention that first and foremost, reality was a major factor in my thinking process, thank dad); I saw an injun one day as I was walking down the main drag, stereotypical injun dirty clothes wreaking of booze and staggering the opposite direction, and I thought, if he'd made some right choices at the right times, hell, some right choices at the wrong times, we may or may not have met under different circumstances, then my mental finger swung around and pointed at me
I moved back home, ended up with a job in the trade industry installing floors, the guy who trained me was a harsh task master; I gave up drugs as it began to interfere with my job, only to take up drinking with the boss, despite his assholedness when sober the only respect I got from the bastard was that I could out drink him; I began praying and hoping and wishing a FUCK of a lot during my affliction of him
three years passed and he managed to talk me into moving to lloydminster with him, lots of work to be had, shortly after this I realized that I'd learned everything about the trade that I could from him in my first year and that I was tied up in an unspoken slave contract (canadians do NOT subsist on less than $12000/year when busting their ass 15 hours a day seven days a week AND doing the bastard's yard work and basic household hard labor...) prayers for help with getting work done better faster and more work and work so I didn't have to see the guy (I was working by myself at this point, but for him); to prayers for a way to get out of the shitty situation, eventually to prayers that this shitty life would just end (fall asleep at the wheel and hit a train crossing, accidentally slice my hand open and bleed out, fall asleep at the wheel and crash & burn - I did manage fall asleep at the wheel, fucked if I didn't survive the accident and add another bill to the long list of supposed debt to the bastard); it was two years before an opportunity arose for me to separate from him, I took it, it was another year before a circumstance arose that I could cut off paying that mythical debt (the only prayer that seemed to work was "don't let me resort to killing the fucker", funny that) I was twenty five by this time (I concluded a few years later that young poorly educated people are fucking stupid) 9/11 had happened by this time, I was kind of "whatever" about it, "psycho idiots"
I continued working for the company while so&so was working elsewhere, a dose of reality hit me when he invaded my job-site (talking to me like I was his good ole friend) and he dared to talk money issues "I made $125g last year, this year I made $45g, do you think my time in the trade is over?" I bandied words with him but neglected to mention that I worked for him that year, and I'd just pulled a much more relaxed $75g by the time we talked; I worked a couple more years then met my wife (internet cell style as sexual relations, blah blah) who was a non-practising christian
I soon moved to fort mac to be closer to her (which is where she worked, and work had been slimming where I was); my little hero, flat broke at this point, barely enough gas to get there and aside from her, I had another internet buddy up there; my truck's transmission gave up the ghost about halfway there (most of my home belongings were in storage, but the truck was loaded with tools and two pieces of luggage) I contacted her and told her the situation "can you take a bus?", "I need these tools", "ok, call a cab, maybe they'll have a truck", $150 later I arrived with my necessities to kick start a new life, she's waiting with pizza and crown royal
I spent about a year and a half there busting my ass off to scrape by in that town, money to be made there, oh ya, but they sure as hell knew how to get it back; I did however, meet some one, I hired as a helper, turned out to be a cocaine addict on a shaky wagon, gave him the benefit of the doubt, but had to fire him in the end anyhow (you can't help some one until they are ready to help them self), but he was the first person to bring up darwin and the origin of life (he still believed in gawd - necessity for drug counseling) and what little he kind of flicked out at me made sense with what I already knew of dogs and wolves, horses, corn, and so on (we were having lunch at his parent's place at the time, and his mother scoffed that darwin was a fool, so I filed the new found knowledge in the "grain of salt" corner of my mind)
by this point, I was addicted to knowledge channels of the television; you should have seen my hopes rise and crumble and rise and crumble; "religious archeology", "huh huh look, tangible proof... no no sigh no FUCK that just doesn't jive..." again and again. I also met my biological white father for the first time (for my mother's peace of mind, and I told him as much, "I figure it this way, I've survived 27 years without you, I've made mistakes in my life, but I don't see them being your fault, I'm a grown man, this meeting is for my mother's peace of mind...", he took it rather well, we're still in contact... and he's a luthern... if I remember correct) and I soon met HIS mother (before or after him I can't remember quite right, that was a visit I'd wish I'd missed - not that she was mean or cutting, but she was still wacko) we must have met have caught her right after sunday mass, she was in her sunday outfit and sterile condo and I'm in jeans and white denim dress shirt with black leather jacket with my injun mother who has been in a common-law relationship for twenty years at the time, still in it, and my philipina wife who I've never married and likely never will and this old widow starts spoutin "I don't see why he never told me, the child is an innocent, it's the sins of the father, blah blah repeat blah blah repeat..."
spent about a year and a half in edmonton with much the same problems as fort mac, including the gawd problem, by this time, you could have considered me a deist (keeping in mind, the only time I ever went to church in at least the previous fifteen years was for weddings and funerals - did go to a service as a kid, even went up for the... sacrament? ate a cracker, no I've never been baptized, got confused when a girl shoved an empty plate at me, at first I thought I should put the cracker on it but then I thought, he gave it to me, and I put it in my mouth, chomped it up at her and went back to my seat)
I finally moved back to my home town, with the wife and a brand new
baby girl, and started a new life again, I was twenty nine
about a year later my wife gains citizenship (or some version thereof) and we could finally import her first daughter, they'd been separated for six years by this time (catholic country the philipines) she was ten, I learned early on that she didn't like to talk about jesus, he scared her; a few months later, I was working on a job and contemplating what religion might closest resemble what I thought gawd may be coming from, buddhism was inching forward, scientology poked it's nose around the corner once or twice, islam could be heard chuckling in the background, I hadn't and still haven't totally rejected the possibility that it was all just aliens fuckin with us for shits and giggles; there I was, on my hands and knees kicking in carpet, ten years of accumulated knowledge about reality started flying across the fore of my mind, then with it the dark ages, the inquisition, the crusades, the world wars, faster and faster, and then it all vanished and was replaced with a replay of a plane crashing into a skyscraper; my eyes were like dinner plates and I literally looked over my shoulder and said "FUCK YOU ALL!!!" thankfully the home owner - who was a pastor - wasn't there at the time as his wife with her failing body was in the hospital
I have since had the odd argument against religion on the net, my oldest daughter (my wife's first) had found the religious arguments between me and my wife funny as hell, shortly before she turned 12 she confessed to me that she didn't believe in gawd, when asked her why not she said "I don't know, I just don't", maybe we'll talk about it again in a few more years; I managed to convince my wife that HER view of gawd isn't christian, but deistic and she seems content with that
last xmas I did a bunch of free inexperienced manual labor for an ancient family friend in the computer business, and he cleaned my computer and built another computer for me to give to our oldest, I told the wife of the deal and she was like "oh awesome baby, we can say it's from santa" I just about flew off the handle "LIKE FUCKING HELL!!!"
I barked as I pounded my finger into my chest a few times; in my opinion, santa can give them barbies and other useless knickknacks, useful presents will bloody well get attributed to the people who provided them (she grew out of barbi about the same time she grew out of santa, shortly after the previous xmas)
Topic: Vagabond finds his way...