I love it that I've finally gotten into the cleaning-house mode/mood again.
Cleaning the house is keeping my brain from thinking = less time and ability to spiral down from the flashbacks and into crying and wanting to well -
won't go there...
So cleaning. Cleaning. Cleaning. I'm so tired and sore all the time, just want to lay down on the couch and just forget everything and just feel like there is no point in life, no point in getting up or doing anything or getting through another day 'cause the memories keep hurting and the past is cloven to me like a bad infected wound that will never heal, and 'cause it's just so hard at the moment with everything - wonder why the fuck was I born and why haven't I been wiped off of the face of this planet yet and dreading each day and wondering why each day is so fucking long. Lol. So, yeah, being a really shitty mope that needs to snap the fuck out of it.
Fuck that sounds morbid and depressing.
But I woke up this morning and I just started cleaning. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.
Cleaned the bath and the toilets and the floors and picked up so many snack wrappers off of the kid's bedroom floor. Washing clothes all day. Washing dishes. Just keep going all day.
And you know what? I don't feel any sorer or tireder or less sad or more sad than I did early this morning when I first woke up and went
shit another day, why? just feel the same. Still feel as shit. But at least I got something done whilst feeling like absolute fucking shit. So it's all good. Life goes on and the shit will fall where it may and I'll keep plodding along and keep going step by step back up and hopefully will shed this mopey shit.
I don't even know where the drive came from to clean today, just woke up and got up and started doing it.
I feel kinda proud of myself.
Silly I know, but didn't think I'd be able to get off that couch this morning after I got the kids to school, felt like I was going to have one of those days that has been going on for the last two weeks or three weeks or so or however fuck the long this has been, so didn't think I was going to clean, maybe at the most get up and get the kids ready for school and to school and eat something and take a shower (yes, I've been neglecting my hygiene lately
), but instead did not only that but also
cleaned and cleaned and cleaned.
<3 cleaning
Sigh. Stupid ramblings.
Life is postive and has wonderful things about it even when we can't see them or feel them. Cleaning is awesome - it's one step on this road 'cause it'll keep my hands occupied and will give me and my kids beautiful surroundings. Still need to unpack and do other stuff, but that can wait. For now can concentrate on cleaning and doing the basics. Fuck the world and fuck the past and fuck the shit that hurts, I've got today and got right now and my babies and that's all that matters. Will fly one moment at a time. Snap out of the shit and build on from here.
Topic: I love...