Don't beat yourself up that he experienced those things hun. Don't sit there feeling like if only you could have done more, you did what you could but he has been a man for so long now that these things aren't on you anymore.
I know no one wants to imagine their child suffering, but he made his choices, and then when he came out he made another choice that made you feel hurt slightly. Keeping hoping, of course, never stop doing that. But try try try to focus on you now. Get you healthy, get back to working. But focus and think about you. Your son has made another choice, leave him to it and stop beating yourself up.

Thanks, I know. There really is nohing I can do but live my llfe. I however am a chonic caretaker. It wears me sometimes. Well, okay most of the time.
I didn't imagen he suffered in that cell. His suffering was real. When I see him again I need to thank him for being a man and protecting me from that knowledge. I only found out by accident of assignment.
The other evening at work a young man who was in a cell just like my son had been in attempted suicide, I was with the transport team that took him to the fence for an ambulance to the hospital. For 10 minutes that young man was my world. His reason for wanting to die at 19, he'd been one year on that POD and he had 4 to go, He didn't think he could stand it.
I hate windowless cells it is as barbaric as wanting to believe in a burning hell.