Re: Why do we experience grief?
Reply #8 - September 18, 2010, 10:32 AM
It’s difficult isn’t it. Nobody really has a handle on grief. Nobody can really explain it with any real relevance to what it actually is, at least not in a way that matters to those grieving. We can give all the good advice, all the well thought out and sincere words of comfort and have all the best intentions and reliable philosophies, but the cold, hard reality of the situation eclipses it all. Advice is easy to give, and we might fool ourselves into believing we have the answers, or a sound, healthy attitude to death and grief, but it all goes out of the window when we find ourselves faced with it. Only a dead heart will not be affected, only the truly heartless would say it doesn’t affect them and mean it. Its more likely just a person lying to themselves as part of a coping process who would say that, not truly facing the fact and not truly dealing with it.
We are strange animals. We are creatures of habit and patterns and order. We need things to make sense, and when they don’t, traditionally we have pretend things to plug in the gaps, sometimes honest and well meant attempts to explain things, sometimes just vain imaginings that do more harm than good. And if we don’t have these things to fall back on, we spiral out of synch. We get desperate and claw at things, trying to put it all back in order, trying to stop our insides from spilling out. We are truly precious, delicately balanced, and very imaginative. We like to be in control of things and have plenty of ways of deluding ourselves that we are in control when really we are just along for the ride. We are happier deluding ourselves when reality makes no sense, rather than actually look at something and truly see it. We all wear masks, even day to day, even during the mundane daily grind. Reality isn’t all that pretty most of the time, is it? Life gets in the way of truly living. Not everyone has the luxury of stopping to smell the flowers, so we just tend to make the most of what we can, and try and be happy with our little slice of life, appreciate the small comforts and perhaps a vice or two, just to split the days up and stop them blending into one long treadmill.
I lost someone very close to me a few years back. It was sudden and hit me like freight train. I didn’t even want to get out of bed for months because I was so depressed. Completely despondent, couldn’t function properly or talk about anything without it jumping to the front of my thoughts. Just always there, except maybe for that split second when I first woke up in the morning. And what angered me most was people saying “it will be alright” and such, until it just became background noise, and then I’d get angry at myself for being angry at people who only had the best intentions at heart. I just wanted to scream GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, IT’S NOT ALRIGHT, IT’S ALL FUCKED. I didn’t want to hear “it will be alright” I wanted someone to tell me it actually wasn’t alright. I wanted someone to really, really understand, probably due to some desperate and hopeless need for validation and comfort. There was a hole in my world swallowing me up. I needed something real to hold onto. I ached with the memory of him, felt the absence like craven hunger.
I think its important to grieve. Its good to cry it all out, all the bad vibes or poison in your system or whatever, get it all out. Grief is as physical as it is psychological. Stress can give you all kinds of ailments, can wreck your body if you let it build up. I think grief is a way to purify that side of us amongst other things. Maybe I’m wrong, dunno. I always feel better after a good cry. The same as after a good belly laugh. Strange I guess. The good finds its way back into your inner equilibrium eventually. It’s overpowering. Its an organic thing. You've just gotta let it come naturally in its own time. The darkness wins the first few battles during the initial confusion and anger, but the light breaks through eventually. I certainly cry a little easier and laugh a little easier since I lost my friend. But it comes from a better place now. Whereas before it was coming from the out of control thoughts running through my head, all locked up in visions of death and emergency rooms, now its from fondness, remembering his smile, hearing his favourite song, hearing my friends talk about the good person he was. Its happy crying. The person he was, he still is. He’s still here. He’s still a very real presence in my life. His mark is all around my world, his fingerprints all over me. I can still hear his voice, still think about the things he said, still see him even, still feel him. We are still around, long after our mortal flesh expires, as long as people know us or knew us. What makes up a person? We are the sum of our parts, so much more than physical presence. I mean look at us, talking to each other on a forum. We’ve never seen each other.
Anyways, I’m rambling. Why do we experience grief? Who knows? I don’t. Here’s some Sagan to lift your spirits:
“I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking.
The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides.”
~ Carl Sagan, In the Valley of the Shadow
Peace, love, empathy, hugs. From one godless ape to another.
Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
Topic: Why do we experience grief?