Hello everybody,
First of all I apologize for my bad English but I hope I'll be able to express myself.
I am a Turkish ex-Muslim 28 year-old currently living in Turkey. I was born into a sunni (hanafi) conservative family that later on became ultra-conservative. I started having Quran lessons when I was 8 in our local mosque. The first thing I faced there was to be beaten by quran teacher if I was not able to say rahman'ur rahim. Coz h in Arabic sounds different than in Turkish. Until I learned how to voice it I was beaten for the sake of who was Rahman and Rahim! The second thing was houris (virgins)! At the age of 8, I learned about houris in paradise which would be my reward if I died as a good Muslim. Today talking about sexual matters with a minor is called child abuse! Since then until the age of 12 when I was sent to a Islamic mid-school by my father I continued summer courses in our local mosque where carpets were smelling very bad coz of dirty socks' smells. Every summer I attended to courses and learned about Hell and Paradise, how Allah was gonna punish us from our grave to Hell if we died as sinful Muslim or as an infidel, how Allah was gonna reward us with beautiful houris, cups of wines etc if we died as a good Muslim, of course how to read quran in arabic even none of us was understanding what was written on that book.
Until the day I started Islamic mid-school my family gradually became even more conservative. I was told so many good stories about Mohammad who was our leader (even if he was not alive) and in that school I would be educated very well both in science and religion of Islam. After 3 years of disgusting education my dreams were raped by ignorant teachers of that school. I was so brainwashed by my family that I would be a good Muslim with education that I was going to have there. We children who were going to this school would be an example for many to show how a Muslim can be religious and good educated in science. This was rubbish I later realized. Forget about Islamic matters even if you wanted to argue with your teacher about scientific facts either you were silenced (sometimes by force) or labelled as munafiq. But what did I do? I continued to this school from 1st year of high-school. Why did I do that? I found its answer after years when I studied a bit psychology. It was called Stockholm Syndrome. Don't laugh! Seriously.
I changed the school, starting from 1st year again I found myself in a very different enviroment. I saw the most beautiful girl in my life whose name was Ayse (Aisha). I fall in love with her that during my 3 years high-school education I never could say "I love you". What could I do? Allah was forbidding flirt. I lived with this love's hurt in my heart for years in order to make my Allah pleased. I was not socilazed, stayed away from my classmates coz they were talking with girls. Since we were adolescent it was haraam (sin) to talk with each other. Allah was forbidding this too. My conflict with belief started during this 3 years. Reason and belief for the first time was on same ground fighting with each other. After finishing high-school we had devastating two earthquakes in Istanbul. Again I found myself under Islamic myths bombardments that these earthquakes were warning to us coz Allah was again very angry with our behaviours. We were not good enough Muslims and Allah was giving us harsh lessons to understand he was not happy with us! Those days I stopped thinking about reason but belief. I held it tightly. I joined an Islamic missionary organization that my family was part of. I stayed a few years abroad, telling Islam and trying to convince non-Muslims to convert to Islam.
But my washed brain was playing a game with me. It wasn't accepting some matters in Islam. I was doing all I can to avoid these thoughts trying to convince myself that Islam was all perfect. Due to some problems I left my university study halfway and returned back to country. My family was not happy with this. They took it as dishonouring. I should never came back but work for Islam even if I was having problems with my muslim fellows or any other matter. It was the worst oppression I ever felt. I still face it.
After my return I started working in a company where I met with secular or less religious people. I was praying 5 times a day. Didn't left any practice of Islam. But some things were being changed in my mind parallel with my thoughts. I was talking with my woman co-workers even was going to lunch with them that I would never do. In business life I met a lot of people from different believes, political views etc. This inflamed my conflict of reason and belief again.
The strongest shock came from Turkish ex-muslims on Youtube. I found Mohammed cartoons video by chance and saw many more anti-islamic videos made by Turkish infidels. There were comment fights below videos. I joined to those debates for a few months to defend Islam. All my arguments were taught before and actually baseless. Every time logic was the winner. Some of them were saying "I wipe my a.. with quran" that was leaving me in fear. Coz I heard stories about it many times from many Muslims (e.g. Turkish, Arab...) like Allah was turning them to monkeys, donkeys, dogs, pigs or killing them harshly that they were suffering so much to become a good example for those who intend to wipe his a.. with holy book. But those guys were exceptions! Nothing happened to them. This led me to really challenge Islam. After 3 years (last year finally) I left Islam. My previous years were full of psychological traumas. Today as a let say crypto-Murtad (apostate) I feel better and happy about my life.
Do you think that I was so stupid? Yes! I was made so stupid by from my family to whole Muslim community that I was surrounded by.
Anyway, here I am as an ex-Muslim. Thanks to those brave-hearts who established this council of ex-muslims. I wish we had the same here in Turkey.
Topic: Hello