My youngest sister came to see me yesterday. Not sure how many years it has been since I last saw her. She is 19 this year, she was turning 17 when she ran away from home because the parents were threatening to hire someone to kill her for having pre-marital sex, or trying to convince my brothers to beat her (which is so going to bring me on to another point).
Anyway I hadn't seen her since she decided to move back home after all of that, and of course I stopped talking to my family completely over it all, especially because my step mother accused me of intentionally trying to destroy her family. Anyone who knows me well knows I just wouldn't ever do that to anyone. I get angry, I don't get vengeful. I only ever get into arguments when people dredge up the past again and even then each reaction is instant anger, not one part of me ever follows the revenge script.
Anyway she spent a lot of time trying to convince me to visit my parents.
I think maybe I might go. I don't know why, I guess I want to see if my parents really are prepared to accept me as an ex muslim, which is what she said.
I don't believe they would do anything to me if I visited, or because I am an ex muslim.
As I said before, my parents had me declared crazy. They still think I am crazy. They believe allah will forgive me because I am mad, so I doubt they would try to hurt me physically. Plus if they did, I'm over that part of me that would never fight them back.
I dunno. The more she spoke the more I wanted to go.
I still miss my family, but the joke is there isn't much to miss. It's just a small emotional part of me that feels unbelievably lonely., a small part of me that still wishes she had some family to love, not just my own kids.
I dunno. I just don't know how I feel. I'm worried I will never be able to forgive myself if my father dies before I change my mind. When I'm full of anger and bravado, I don't care what happens. but deep down I know myself, I know that if he dies without me seeing him again, will devastate me. I know my parents did so many terrible things to me. Things I have only understood later on in life.
Not forgiven, or forgotten, just I understand.
I understand they did their entire job as parents wrong, they followed a model they were taught to follow. They were cruel to try and save me from hell, and cruel trying to save me from sexual shame (their own). I don't excuse them, but I know why they were so retarded.
Maybe just one visit, so that I feel I have done it.
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Secondly my brother is still a backward muslim twat deep down and it makes me sick to my stomach, the way he tries to control my sister who is turning 19 this year, is ridiculous. She was smoking a fag in the garden, and then as she was leaving she realised my brother had been here the whole time, and she panicked because she had been smoking and he might have seen her.
I told her to not be stupid and just smoke, he can't tell her what to do, but she still panicked.
later when she left, I laughed with my bro over it, or at least i thought we would laugh together over it. But NO, he agreed and said if he had seen her smoking he would have smacked her for it. I was gobsmacked, I couldn't believe he was still so fucking pathetic over this.
Then I pushed it more by bringing in my niece, who according to my sister is being beaten and controlled by my sister.
My sister has turned into a typical muslim matriarch, I might add that this sister (we shall call her C, and my youngest sister, A). anyway C sister, who is my full blooded sister, who had her first baby out of wedlock, who used to rave with me, who took drugs with me, who used to drink with me and commit robberies with me. who used to be fun and knew how to have a laugh, has become a total bitch who beats her daughter to stop her from becoming a slag.
She beats her.
I want to go down and see my niece and let her know that when things get to bad, my door will be open again.
It will always be open to the people who need to run away from the stupidity that is muslim parenting.
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^^ when I think about these things, this is a reason against me going to visit my parents. The drama, the muslim drama that I have been free from for so fucking long. It will be in my face again, and I will be stuck not wanting to push my beliefs on them, but feeling like I have to.
Topic: From the mouth of madness - My blog