Thanks to everyone for the time they took to reply yesterday, I realy appreciate the kind words. I was going to reply yesterday when I returned but I was still in such a negative place my mind was just pushing all the comments away in my usual way so I decided to leave it til I got a grip of myself.
I'm still a bit low today but at least I am not manic about it all which is how I felt yesterday. Today I think I'm just still low because I am tired and drained by yesterdays emotions. Today is the sort of day I need to recharge myself through the love of my children and just drag them into bed with me so I can lie between them and know I am loved unconditionally right now, and we can watch a movie or two.
It's foolish to think the way I was thinking yesterday, I know that.
I'm still surprised at how much it affected me yesterday to face them. I didn't expect that reaction, I didn't expect to find myself too ashamed to face them thanks to the thoughts of BDD. I've always known they helped create these issues in my head, but never realised just how much they still affect it.
I was literally shaking when I reached the top of the road they live on. I wasn't scared of them physically, I wasn't afraid they would have issues with my apostasy, I wasn't afraid of anything that makes sense, I was afraid of my reflection in their eyes and the judgements of not being good enough.
When I left my house I had reached the stage where I was saying "so what, fuck it, if I'm not good enough fuck it, if they want to see me that way fuck it." and I forced myself to go and face them and face this fear I have of their judgements. It wasn't easy but I am glad I forced myself out otherwise I would still need to do it one day and at least its done now.
I need to get a grip of this side of me, I'm not even sure how or if its possible, but I need to find a way to come to terms with myself. A way to start to like the persona staring back at you.
Not that I feel I need to apologise for my unhappiness or indeed my devastating dramas, but one day to hopefully like myself enough that any dramas are nothing to do with an internal dialogue that I never asked for and yet am stuck with nevertheless.
I do not find it easy to accept love from anyone, I might even say I find it impossible. You can like me but you can't love me. Love is a word and the word is a joke. My parents told me they loved me yesterday. I didn't believe them. I didn't bother telling them that, but I felt it was just false words.
^^ I don't know how to learn to be different from that. How can I change, how can I heal myself, how can I let go and more importantly how do I learn to love myself since this is the common reply?
How does one learn to love themselves? no idea at all. Been trying for years and years and years and I'm even worse than I once was.
Anyway when I start to speak of how I feel I find the negativity creeping back into my replies and I don't want to do that. I want to get a grip of myself and carry on moving forward like I must.
It wasn't that bad at my parents when I finally got there. Not sure I will be hurrying back to see them again since this drama I feel will only rear its ugly head again and continue to do so until I accept myself.
My parents are changed people though. Still superstitious, still misinformed about Islam, but far from who they used to be. I know this because my sister just asked me infront of them "when are we going clubbing sis, I'm over 18 now, lets go paaaaarty and get drunk"...............she said this infront my my step mum (which I can understand) and my father (which made me feel like this
)
when my step mum started talking about my sister getting married to a nice moroccan boy, my sister just spat arabic style "t'fooo" and said she would marry no one but a jamaican man cos muslim men are horrid. to which my other sister high fived her whilst I sat down gob smacked at how free they now were.
I mean I used to do the spitting part and the insulting of muslim men part infront of my parents, but I never talked of drinking, boyfriends, clubbing, etc infront of them. It was a silent given. My parents aren't the same anymore.
My father hugged me.
first time in years and years. He spoke to me and served me my food and told me I had grown into an even more beautiful woman.
they both agreed and I almost cried as my brain rejected what they were saying to me.
It's me who is still stuck in the past it would appear. Me who struggles to let go and move on, and it seems that even with their acceptance (which I had ten times over yesterday) I still can't accept that.
I guess this is as allat said, that side of me that won't ever really go away but needs to be supported by the other sides of me, because I do have other sides to me, not just this vanity. It's that child in me that needed acceptance back then but never got it, only now as an adult I reject it because I dunno. I ddon't why I reject it. I mean I have finally been given it, so why do I still push it away?
Anyway I'm ok now. Yesterday was yesterday, today is a get a grip and rely on my kids to make me feel loved, so that tomorrow I can go back to what I was doing last week, which was moving forward and working towards positive changes in my life for me and my kids.
Thanks again for all of your replies, yesterday it might have felt bad to read them because I didn't believe them, but today I can take the underlying theme and work with it, and that is that I must stop feeling ashamed for my scars, stop hating myself the way I do, and learn to accept myself.
Topic: From the mouth of madness - My blog