I'm alive. Summer holidays is almost over, kids go back to school tomorrow and for the first time ever the summer hasn't been so bad.
I was so worried about what summer would bring, but social services didn't let me down this year. They made sure my son had activities to keep him busy, and help me set up a time table to semi seperate them.
So some days they were together and some days they weren't.
My eldest son has been a marvel to behold, I kid you not. Things have actually been the best they have ever been between us. Not once have I had to call the police this summer holiday, not once have I felt physically threatened.
I mean he has had a few moments but it's like someone put more reason in him, he was easier to talk to.
For the last 2 weeks of the holiday I had him enrolled in the YMCA junior leadership project, and even though he hated it since he had to interact with some pretty spiteful teenagers who called him a paki or ghandi most of the time he was there (girls included) he stuck at it all the way through to the end and told me after he did it for me.
(actually that whole him being tormented by the other teens was really heartbreaking for me as it made him cry one night over being different than everyone else I would have let him quit but he stuck at it himself)
I dunno, I feel so much more positive that I am a not a bad mum.
I've realised actually I'm pretty good but my son has a disorder, that's all. We were working under less than optimal conditions, but I was doing a good job all along.
My son has shown a thoughtful side, a mature side, a loving side (I actually feel close to him now) just really do feel good looking back on this summer together.
My middle son is still hard to handle, but I think he is just rebelling against change. Think he is afraid to trust his brother again just in case he reverts into his old habits and so getting them to get along, well that hasn't happened yet.
But siblings do fight. I threw my sister down the stairs before, I've thrown hot coffee in the other sisters face, she has kicked me out of a second floor bathroom window, I am thankful that my boy's summer fights have been more wrestling and bear hug style fighting.
I haven't even really needed my brother to help break up the fights, since they aren't that bad, my eldest calms down quicker as well, so it's been a relief to know I can do it on my own. Means the next step (kicking him out) won't be as hard.
This isn't really a depressing I need help/advice post, it's more a "I'm doing good right now" post.
I joined a gym, I'm meditating (well constantly trying, back pain is a bitch), I'm eating. not loads, but enough to make sure I'm creating good muscles at the gym (I'm actually quite surprised at how quickly I'm seeing differences on my body).
Still some areas I need to deal with in my life, friends and family issues, facing uni again
, but when it just comes to me and my health, and my mission of self improvement, or my immediate family......well this is just about the best I have ever felt with any of these things.
Would be great if I didn't have BDD, but oh well, can't beat everything straight off the bat.
Topic: From the mouth of madness - My blog