From the mouth of madness

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- Azuremist
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #540 - September 05, 2012, 07:32 PM

I'm happy for you Berbs. It's great that you've been having a good summer with your kids; there's nothing quite as awesome as when things go well for your children and you see them growing up and making you proud.
Glad you're feeling better in yourself too
- allat
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #541 - September 05, 2012, 07:43 PM

That's great Berbs. I am also really happy to know that things are getting better between you and your eldest son. Stay positive always, it looks good on you

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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #542 - September 05, 2012, 09:38 PM

It is so good to hear that things are starting to improve in your family and also your own well being.
I can't imagine how upsetting it must have been to see your son be bullied, but I am impressed that he decided to stick it out. As unpleasant as it is, it was probably a vital life lesson on how mean and prejudiced people can be. Sounds like he is growing up and learning to control his emotions.
Well done to you for persevering despite all the odds. Here's to hoping there are more ups than downs
- Pariah
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #543 - September 05, 2012, 10:14 PM

I'm so delighted to hear things are going well. You are awesome and you know how to handle your shit, and do it so well!

As always Berbie, you are an inspiration x

'The greatest glory of living lies not in never falling but in rising everytime you fall'
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #544 - September 06, 2012, 06:52 AM

Thanks everyone

You listened to me moan in dread before and you listen to me say the good stuff too, and it always makes me feel less alone in the world, so thanks again for listening and supporting me.

He just left to go to school doing his fake teenage drama of "I don't want to go to school" but he was laughing as he said it, we've spoken extensively about how important these 2 years are since he is working towards his GCSE's, so really he was raring to go back, but he likes flouncing and pretending to have teenage tantrums so we just rolled with it.

And I get to say it and mean it, but I'm really gonna miss that boy of mine, we really did grow close and there wasn't any topic too hard to talk one on one about.

Anyway time to get my other 2 ready for school.

First day off since July, it's shopping and a few cocktails in the sun.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #545 - September 06, 2012, 11:18 AM

Quote
And I get to say it and mean it, but I'm really gonna miss that boy of mine, we really did grow close and there wasn't any topic too hard to talk one on one about.

''we are morally and philisophically in the best position to win the league'' - Arsene Wenger
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #546 - September 06, 2012, 11:26 AM

Berbs, there might be days in the future (though I sincerely hope not) where your son will be difficult again, and I hope that if it happens you will be able to remember how you are feeling right now, and how he is, and you'll be able to deal with it as well as you have in the past. I really admire you and hope I will be as good a mother as you are.

Enjoy your time off

He's no friend to the friendless
And he's the mother of grief
There's only sorrow for tomorrow
Surely life is too brief
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #547 - September 06, 2012, 03:14 PM

Yea, I'm holding onto that realism, I know things could have go down again, but like you said, I'm going to try to take what I know now, and use it to get me through any future crappy times.

And you'll probably be a better mother because you have explored a lot of issues before becoming one, and given it a lot more thought than I did.

I had a baby (first one) because I was promised it would stop the domestic violence by my ex twat. There wasn't much thought in that at all.

I've had to learn on the job and this means there have been fuck ups whilst being a parent, and you will too, but thankfully not as much as me, because you are thinking about it all long before it happens.

forewarned is forearmed, so I have no doubt you will be great at it when and if you choose to do so.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
- BerberElla
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #548 - September 06, 2012, 03:21 PM

Have to say though, this gym thing is starting to trouble me.

I wanted to get toned, not to increase body size.

I accepted that the scales would go up because muscle is heavier than fat, but I didn't think I would get bigger, or start struggling with my bra size because of muscles developing everywhere. Today for the first time since last year, I found my regular size tops in shops just that little bit too snug for me.

So now I'm panicking, and worried because I just want to tone what I had, not add on to it

I like the increasing booty and the firmness of my thighs and the abs. not sure about my arms, they've defined themselves so quickly that friends have started warning me not to over do it. But I'm not overdoing it, 3 times a week at the gym is not alot, and it's only been 6 or 7 weeks, but still I'm getting "oooh it's very tina turnerish isn't it"

Argh it's ok. I'm ok, the point is to be healthy even if that makes me look weirder.

*breathe and release.......and give it time to settle.

* breathe and do not think a bagel (no filling) and 1 bowl of cereal is sufficient food for the day....you can do better.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
- Pepe
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #549 - September 06, 2012, 04:50 PM

I thought Tina Turner had a great figure... Even when she got older. High reps and low weights and lots of cardio and you should be fine Berbs that and eating right. Try cutting out gluten as much as possible. I'm thinking of going gluten free as much as possible now too.

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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #550 - September 06, 2012, 08:13 PM

basically what pepe said. if you're weight training your weight will go up even though you might be losing body fat - so no worries there. if you just want to tone up without adding too much muscle mass then in your pushing/lifting weights only do light weights but loads of reps i.e. 20-30. if you're still not comfortable then try some cardio-kickboxing (i bet you'd enjoy this). if you're gym doesn't do this or you're still not comfortable then stick to just cardio, running machine/cycling etc.

now that you've started i wouldn't pack it in - just change what type of exercises to do that suits you and you feel happy and comfortable with. just doing cardio excercises is still great for example.

''we are morally and philisophically in the best position to win the league'' - Arsene Wenger
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #551 - September 06, 2012, 08:38 PM

Berbs if I had to give you one bit of advice it would be to throw out the damn scales. Unless you have those high tech ones that tell you your muscle mass, percentage of body fat, water weight, etc. then they're only going to set you back. Go by how you look/feel/how your clothes fit. That's one thing that's really helped me. When you work out the number on the scales goes up whilst you actually look more toned/slimmer.

"The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline toward the religion of solitude."

"i used to steal my sisters barbies so i could take their clothes off and perv on them" - prince spinoza
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #552 - September 06, 2012, 09:12 PM

Everybody's body type is different so you have to work out what work out plan works specifically for you.

But if you are worrying about getting bigger, then maybe don't bother with weight training at all and just stick to cardio: biking and running.
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #553 - September 06, 2012, 09:32 PM

Quote from: Tonyt on September 06, 2012, 09:12 PM
Everybody's body type is different so you have to work out what work out plan works specifically for you.

But if you are worrying about getting bigger, then maybe don't bother with weight training at all and just stick to cardio: biking and running.

Yup, never been a fan of weight training. Running takes care of most of my body, particularly my legs, I do push ups to strengthen my arm muscles and that's all really. If you like the long, lean look then alternate with walking and endurance running (not sprinting/HIIT that will bulk you up), or try biking/swimming like TonyT said.

"The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline toward the religion of solitude."

"i used to steal my sisters barbies so i could take their clothes off and perv on them" - prince spinoza
- BerberElla
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #554 - September 07, 2012, 07:13 AM

Thanks for the advice everyone, few points though.

1 - Not allowed to do too much cardio as they don't want to overwork my heart with everything it's been through. Right now the only cardio I do is 1000m on the rowing machine.

2 - ^^ Also since I don't want to lose any weight, the personal trainer recommended me not doing more than I am now, for now.

3 - I do low weight resistence training. So bench press with 4k, squats with 5, forklifts with 3, and then everything else is just ab work and more types of squats and some back strengthening exercises.

4 - The scales don't make me panic Ren, I'm already comfortable with the idea that the scales will go up because I understand muscle is heavier than fat. It's the feeling of clothes being too tight up top that stresses me, not the scales :(

5 - My personal trainer advised me to adjust to the change in my upper body since it is about to become solid, and that I should just buy some new tops so that I relax about it.

I was skinny fat before, so even though I looked super slim, I was actually squishy everywhere, the eating disorder had destroyed most of my muscles, my ass had vanished completely, so when I went in for the first session with the personal trainer we established that I want to firm everything I have up, with no weight loss because that would take me down a size to my heart attack size.

I'm guessing the bingo wings around the arms, and down the sides of my upper back are now too firm which is why my bra size feels like it is slicing into me.

Before I got really ill again I was a bigger size than this. I wore size 12, dropped to a size 8 which is when my heart started suffering, and have worked my way to a size 10 and have managed to stay there since last year.

The working out looks like it's going to take me back to a size 12 (up top only though. weirdly), instead of fighting this maybe I need to accept this is going to happen. It would be a healthier version of me, since I'm still 1 and a 1/2 stone underweight so I do have room to manoeuvre I guess.

I want to be toned, fit, strong, and healthy.

See I'm happy visually with the changes. I got out of the shower yesterday and stood infront of a mirror and I was so much happier with the way my body is toning up.

It is making me looking slightly larger on the top, but is that really the big deal I would make it out to be when I'm panicking and scared?

I love the bodies of the women I see in the gym doing the same work out as me, they are toned, firm thighs, arms, abs, toned bootys. and they all have the same look on the upper body and it looks just perfect really.

It's my eating disorder that fucks with me, and the way the world instantly frowns at the idea of women doing any exercise which might bulk them up slightly.

I'm fighting that, or trying to.

So for now I'm going to stick with this current workout, until my last personal trainer session and then see where my body is at, and then see if I'm ready for more cardio.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #555 - September 07, 2012, 08:04 AM

I'm really happy that you're gaining muscle!! You're right, I think you need to get a new wardrobe for you natural/fit body type it will make you feel a lot more comfortable since you won't be worrying about fitting into them, or you can keep a lot of those tops for your cleavage lol usually girls get an item of clothing that is a size or two small with the hopes of fitting into it but you've got the complete opposite and take advantage of it (I wish I had that opportunity lol). I'm glad to see that you're a lot happier with your body now, and a size 12 is almost too perfect for you, a two years ago I was a size 10/12 and I was 5'5 and I still looked abit chubby but with your height you'll still look very healthy/slim and toned. Yeah I'd ignore those friends of yours, I think muscle on women looks lovely, everyone is still obessed with that thin/ heroin chic look these days so I'd ignore any comments and these are probably the same people who have told you that you look nice even though you are under weight.

Send us a pic once you get abs lol

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- BerberElla
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #556 - September 07, 2012, 01:24 PM

Yea, after my panicky moment yesterday after the shopping I have promised myself I'm going to go out and buy a couple of larger tops.

It's purely around the boob area, because of the developing muscle at the side and of course the boob job I had, the 2 combined have now made me need to do this, whereas my waist and legs etc are all staying pretty much the same. I'd say my waist might be a tiny bit bigger, but the measuring tape says it's still a size 10 and I have no problems with my size 10 jeans.

I'm guessing if you have boobs (something I never had before, and of course being anorexic meant it was only the boobs keeping my upper body at a size 10, now that I'm not so much anymore, I guess it's normal that girls with boobs need bigger tops.

Same as girls with big bootys need larger jeans even though their waist is still small, meaning they end up with a baggy waist just to fit the booty.

So I'm not going to panic, just grab a few tops in larger sizes and deal with it. Since I am getting fit, not fat and there is a good difference.

Lol dunno about the ab pic, no amount of ab work will deal with the tiger marks on the skin.

But that's cool, least I won't have a jelly roll anymore.

I so had the heroin chic thing down, now it's time to try out the healthy fit and toned look. Even if the world doesn't approve, this is a body change I can adjust to since actually it's healthy, so healthy only a moron would say I was fat.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
- Maya
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #557 - September 07, 2012, 04:12 PM

You can still wear tight tops Berbs, just make sure they have lycra in them or they may look baggy round the waist if you get the size for your boobs. Bet you'll look great!

"The greatest general is not the one who can take the most cities or spill the most blood. The greatest general is the one who can take Heaven and Earth without waging the battle." ~ Sun Tzu
- PeruvianSkies
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #558 - September 07, 2012, 07:15 PM

Quote from: BerberElla on September 06, 2012, 03:21 PM
I like the increasing booty and the firmness of my thighs and the abs. not sure about my arms, they've defined themselves so quickly that friends have started warning me not to over do it. But I'm not overdoing it, 3 times a week at the gym is not alot, and it's only been 6 or 7 weeks, but still I'm getting "oooh it's very tina turnerish isn't it"

*Bangs head*

Fuck me, of all the problems in this world...

This makes me actually want to go the gym just to get bulky arms and twat any woman who dares tell me I have too much muscle!! I will have as much muscle as I bloody well like!! (No offence to your friends)

On a lighter note, congrats for actually sticking to your workouts. Something I should try soon...

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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #559 - September 07, 2012, 08:00 PM

Quote from: Maya on September 07, 2012, 04:12 PM
You can still wear tight tops Berbs, just make sure they have lycra in them or they may look baggy round the waist if you get the size for your boobs. Bet you'll look great!

Yea, lol FSM bless the stretchy tops. It was the non stretchy cotton tops (2) that I tried on that fucked me over that day.

@Peru

That's how I'm feeling. Like fuck it, that moment of concern is gone and replaced with me looking forward to being well toned and super fit.

And I've been [pleasantly surprised by how the gym has improved my mood, so it motivates me to stick at it now. Had a few minor panic moments when the gym has been really full, but the other day i worked out during peak time and it didn't bother me in the slightest.

You know, I found that I feel even more cheerful if I workout in the evening than in the morning? What is that even all about?

Kept waiting for the 'OMG I'm so alive' moment to kick in when i left the gym, but didn't experience it until I did my work out later rather than earlier.

I wanted to skip back from the gym singing eye of the tiger. It was epic. Especially considering I'm PMS'ing so i should be semi suicidal now.

I'm sort of nauseatingly happy right now. Feels really good for a change.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #560 - September 07, 2012, 09:09 PM

That sounds really good

I really cant motivate myself. How are you doing it?

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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #561 - September 08, 2012, 08:55 AM

I just want to get healthy and 17years of struggling to not eat is too much to keep up for the rest of my life. I just keep making myself remember why I am doing this and that is keeping me going.

Mind you we're only close to 2 months in, if I can stick at it for 6 months at least I will feel proud of myself, my natural sloth could kick in at any moment.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
- Pariah
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Re: From the mouth of madness - My blog
Reply #562 - September 08, 2012, 10:43 AM

Quote from: BerberElla on September 07, 2012, 08:00 PM
Yea, lol FSM bless the stretchy tops. It was the non stretchy cotton tops (2) that I tried on that fucked me over that day.

@Peru

That's how I'm feeling. Like fuck it, that moment of concern is gone and replaced with me looking forward to being well toned and super fit.

And I've been [pleasantly surprised by how the gym has improved my mood, so it motivates me to stick at it now. Had a few minor panic moments when the gym has been really full, but the other day i worked out during peak time and it didn't bother me in the slightest.

You know, I found that I feel even more cheerful if I workout in the evening than in the morning? What is that even all about?

Kept waiting for the 'OMG I'm so alive' moment to kick in when i left the gym, but didn't experience it until I did my work out later rather than earlier.

I wanted to skip back from the gym singing eye of the tiger. It was epic. Especially considering I'm PMS'ing so i should be semi suicidal now.

I'm sort of nauseatingly happy right now. Feels really good for a change.

'The greatest glory of living lies not in never falling but in rising everytime you fall'
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