yesterday on the train home. I’ve never really known him, but he lives in my parent’s neighbourhood. He’s a reformed gangster, and he feels he has to take the world with him to the paradise he has been promised. Anyways, he gave me a very loud lecture for half an hour, for the whole of the train journey. I don’t really argue (not anymore), and I felt that I should keep my mouth shut for my parents sake anyways. But he did my fucking head in (and no one does my head in. Ever. I’m way too detached to ever get worked up by anyone).
Anyways, I’ll give you some of the advice that he gave me, in case that saves you from hell:
• You’re not going to live forever. In fact, I can sense that your time is very nearly up. You need to start praying now brother.
• Don’t bother going to people’s funerals (Jannaza). If you don’t pray 5 times a day, there is no point you offering any token gestures on such occasions
• Sit down when you pee. This is all important. That way, you can splash water on your weener afterwards to make it clean
• A shower is not enough to make yourself clean after having sex with your wife. *Chance’d be a fine thing*
• Do not sleep on your front. The devil will lead you into mischief
• Do not sleep in your boxers. Make sure you are covered from head to toe
• Hazoor Paak is the most perfectest human ever. I love Hazoor Paak with all my heart. If you follow all the examples that he set, you will be okay. *In that case, I need to make sure I do the primary school run as soon my son is old enough*
• When you die (and that will be very soon for you), you will see a photograph. Do you know who will be in that photograph? No? HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And take that grin off that face. You will lose that grin when you fucking end up in the eternal fire. I’ll be watching then, and I’ll think to myself that I tried to help that guy, but he wasn’t willing to listen
• What are you going to do when your dad dies? He is old and he will die soon. It is your duty to pray for him at that point and to ease the pain he is in. If you don’t know how to do that, your dad is fucked. He will have rats everywhere on top of him and he will suffer so much because of his ignorant son.
• You’re worse than all the drug dealers and killers we both see around us in our town. You’re much worse. You’re scum. At least they stop to think about Allah every so often. But you, with your brains and your good job, think that you are above all that. Well, fuck you. I feel sorry for you brother. I can’t believe I wasted my fucking time on you. Wasalaam.
Before you ask, no, he’s not a troll. He’s real
Topic: So, I ran into this Muslim dude...