Re: Vivre une vie perdue : Zaiba's blog
Reply #44 - August 16, 2011, 03:52 PM
I have to do something, I just have to.
I hate it when I finally manage to convince myself to start living or thinking of a certain aspect of life a certain way and then my very unstable life changes so dramatically that I feel like a lost cat in Westfields. I hate that I never used to hate anything in life to now hating so much. This is terrible, really terrible. Every time I'm about to say something or type something the words ".. I hate.." seem to follow on themselves, without me even realising.
I'm starting to hate myself for that, why I am hating so much? I'm a woman of love, always have been and always hoped to be, but something has seriously gone wrong to make me hate so much in life and so many people. I don't understand where this hate is coming from? It's worrying me, it's making me become a hateful person, and people have started to dislike me, I've always been afraid of that, I've had my fair share of being a lonely soul, not having a friend or even a mere person to talk to, I worked hard to get where I am now, to become a person that people like talking to, a person that people enjoy the company of. This has been the sole reason to why I haven't been updating this blog so often, had it not been the case, this blog would have caught up to at least page 4 by now, but I just couldn't allow this hateful spiteful person inside me overtake my life like that. I'm really afraid that I'm resorting to an attitude I've always been afraid of, I don't want become an outcast again. I really don't want people thinking I'm a mean person, I don't want that. Please don't hate me. Please. I am a very emotionally dependent person, And what people think of me, is the fooundation to my life, it really is, and as terrible as that sounds and as stupid as I am to tell the world of my weakness, I really am afraid of being hated becuse of my spiteful new attitude.
I never thought too much of this up until last night, when a very reliable source, a person who means quite a significant person in my life, told me that I had changed, told me I was the not the same person anymore, I was hateful, and rude to people, I picked fights, and I was being horrible to people that didn't even deserve such harsh behavior. I cried. Because this person was right. I have become one of those people who I have always despised and hoped to never be like. Is it too late to change? I hope not, because I promise to not this hateful attitude take over, I won't let it like I lost to depression, I won't allow it to take over what's left of me. I lost my bubbliness, my giggle and my carefree attitude to depression, but I will not allow my kindness and empathy be overtaken by hatefulness.
Topic: Nothing.