Re: sex, booze, boys and life : Zaiba's blog
Reply #87 - September 29, 2011, 10:05 PM
Blog entré
There's so much going on inside my head, and I feel as if I'm doing all I can to address these issues, but sooner or later these issues will rise and I won't be able to hide em anymore, so I guess it's best for me to face them head on now .. rather than be knocked over by them later on.
I broke up with him so that I could live my life again, I thought I was freeing myself from him, but all I was doing was avoiding the reality, that I loved him and there was no turning back. I've left him nonetheless and the emptiness of his absence that is left is painful, but I can't let these feelings get the better of me, I just can't let them win. But I still love him. Why do I still love him? When he has not bothered to see if I'm even alive? Why do I still yearn for his calls and texts when he's happily living his life in peace without me? I never knew I was this easy to forget, and that just hurts so much, words can't even describe my pain.
But I've decided to change myself, and turn my life around, I decided that I am in charge, not my unstable mind. I can't trust my mind to do anything anymore, I can't let my mind wander freely and think so openly anymore, I just can't do that, cause if I do then I'm allowing these feelings to influence me and affect me in my daily life. I don't want to do that anymore, and I'm doing all I can to avoid it from happening, but it's like walkiing on a tightrope, it's like sinking in quicksand, I feel I'm going to lose my grip any second and my world will come crashing down around me in a matter of seconds. I'm so scared. So very scared of that happening, I don't want to fall in that dark abysmal place again. It's so dark and lonely there, I feel as I'm dead and no one can hear my screams, I feel so silenced in that place, like I can't speak up as I try effortlessly.
I feel I'm getting no where with this, I'm writing and writing away but I feel as if I'm not achieving anything, no sense of satisfaction, no relief, nothing. I'm still feeling so restless, and I still feel like there's so much more that needs to be released inside me. I don't even know what to do anymore, but I don't want to pretend I'm happy when I'm not, and nor do I want to be in a place where happiness is an alien subject, I deserve all the happy moments I'm getting, and I'm not going to allow some distinctive memories ruin my chance for a better future.
All through summer I locked myself up in my bare walled bedroom and shut myself out from the world and human contact, a month later, I'm at University halls, sharing a flat with 4 lovely strangers who I've never met, and surprisingly feel comfortable around. How could i not feel so out of place going from one extreme of loneliness to another where I'm never alone? I find that even in crowds I feel alone, and that still stings cause my inner self is restless.
At times I find that I am so unlike myself, I got to stop and think twice, is this really me? Is this cheerful giggly girl me? Is she truly happy inside or she faking it? Who is she and what has she been through? I don't want to deceive people, I don't want people to think I am someone that I'm not, cause I know how it feels to be someone on the outside and be a complete different person inside, I've been there, and I've endured those painful lonely months of being out of place, out of mind. It's not even about what people would think of me, it's about what I think of myself, it just seems so trivial to fret over what so and so thinks and says about me, I have had and still have so many conflicitng issues within myself, I do not have the time to worry about who likes me and who doesn't, although it would help raise my self esteem and maybe make me realise it's about time I give myself some self respect, but I just don't know how to forget my inner issues and live in the real world, I don't know how to live in the moment.
This blog/note/diary entry has no form, no structure, and it bugs the life out of me cause it in fact reflects my life, which also seems to have no structure or form, all it has is plenty of mixed and assorted content that needs sifting through. So if reading this confuses you, just know that you've seen what my the insides of my mind look like.
Topic: Nothing.