Re: Idle Thoughts
Reply #65 - November 19, 2011, 03:28 AM
OK- this seriously is my last post but I believe it's necessary to clear up some issues before I leave. It's long so if you cba reading it then that's up to you.
"I sense Saffire has never felt a real day of pain or grief in her life, a spoilt brat, who can never feel the gravity of what real suffering and powerlessness is."
I have never suffered? I believe I've suffered about as much as any average person in the west, who suffers emotionally and psychologically- not real suffering like dying of stavation but no less than many other whiny assholes on this forum.
As I said previously, many of you lack the intellect to read between the lines and understand what a person is trying to say. You think I haven't had shit in my life. My life>
well, my dad died when I was 12, I've grown up in a family with a severely depressed mum, every man in my family has at some point been participant in abusing me and my family (so yeah, I hate men in general), my first relationship was highly abusive- he physically and psychologically abused me- I've had broken bones. He raped me (I was a virgin), got me pregnant and I was forced to have an abortion or suffer the indignity with my muslim family of having a baby as well as being trapped with an asshole my entire life so no, in the long run I'm glad I did it but at the time I got severely depressed, became an alcoholic, I got so depressed that I couldn't leave my house- I fleetingly emerged to get food (and booze) but for almost 2 yrs I spoke to hardly anynobody- amongst this I had to go home to my mum's (I was at uni at the time-not attending) and pretend everything was fine while I was dying inside. Despite my obvious desperate state of mind nobody in my family helped me, they all just ignored it because it was easier I suppose. I don't hate/blame them, they were all going through (and still are) their own personal break downs.
So it took me 5 yrs to do a 3yr degree and I barely passed. Nobody even asked me why, nobody wanted to know what I was going through and I kept it to myself though pride/shame/etc. After this I worked 3 yrs in a job I hated with little pay- I never fully qualified from my pre reg cos I didn't have the motivation. Life was so shit for me. I just couldn't move ahead. On top of this I hated myself for being different, not being like how a muslim woman should be- basically not accepting that men are superior, not accepting that I can't do everything a man can do, not accepting that I must sacrifice my dreams to carry a man's (re marriage).
Fast forward the 3 yrs in which society in general made me feel like a failure for not being married, I felt like a failure for not moving forward in my career, I was depressed. And then I had enough. I just left, everything. I left home, left my life, left my religion. I don't give a shit, this much is true. All I want is to live my life, be happy.
Berberella commented on my relationship, that I'm with my bf to move ahead. This is a ridiculous assertion since my bf is making money BECAUSE of ME- the business we are in is my business, and yes I did get into writing because of him but now that I have the contacts and the studio is moving forward with my script I have no need for him in that regard so I am clearly not with him for the reasons she stated. Yes I have issues- I have issues with men in general. I've spent years trying to force myself to be gay cos I hate men but alas I'm not (apparently it's not a choice, it's genetic!). Add to this that I'm actually bipolar so I go though love/hate cycles.
Side note: don't you just hate women who mark having children as an achievement as though it's something so special and difficult that only a select few can do it...
One thing I regret to have experienced is the death of a parent at a young age- it does something to you that you can only understand if you've been through it. I wish you were right, I wish I was born with a silver spoon, that my life was wonderful, that everything was perfect.
Anyway, like I said, I've had my fair share of shit. I haven't suffered in a universal sense but I doubt I've been through any less than the majority of the emo losers on this forum. So what? What should we do? Just move forward and try to be better. Try to be happy. Try to achieve your goals. Nolite de bastardes corborundorum. I won't let shit stop me. Yes, I hate the assholes on this forum who whine and moan. I hate the way they go on about shit- it does my fucking head in. I've been truly depressed and believe me, it's not a time when you go online and whine. Depression is insidious, it's lonely.
So to all the 'suicidal' people- just do it. But you won't because I know about suicide too and if you were going to do it, you'd do it. Suicide, like depression, is lonely too. You don't need an audience or encouragement and nothing any stranger on a forum says will change or affect how you feel. You think people come on a forum for a hand? For a path? TO find a friend to help them, show them they're not alone? Seriously, is there anyone thick enough to actually believe that?
When I was at my low point I couldn't watch TV without it affecting me severely. Even now I avoid live TV (thank 'god' for sky+) bacuse them adverts with the starving kids really get to me. I sometimes think, imagine being them, in that position. There is no future, no way out. THEY are helpless, they are truly powerless. I find it a farce that people feel sorry for themselves when the world is full of REAL examples of TRUE suffering. So you hate your life and want to die? I had a strange thought- imagine if it was possible to trade your life with another person's- imagine that you want to die- imagine how many people are desperate to live- imagine if you could trade- you give your passport/visa/money/everything to this other person then (s)he lives your miserable pathetic life while you go to Africa/India/etc to die of true poverty and starvation. Imagine. Imagine how this new person would grade your life that they're now living, I'm sure for them it would be fantastic.
So yeah, I hate people who whine and feel sorry for themselve. I don't like losers. I don't mean people who don't do 'well', I mean miserable woe is me my life is shit and it's everybody's fault but mine type of losers. This place is FULL of them- I mean, seriously, most of you fall into this category. So here's my 'motivational formula'- suck it up
and...
Let them eat cake
Bye
Forgot to add- if you want to chat/continue knowing me then inbox me and I'll message you my fb name and/or e-mail address. Please note that I won't be responding to any new comments etc as I'm no longer participating on this forum so to all the losers who think they win by getting in the last dig... knock yourselves out (I know 'Berbs' will).
Topic: Idle Thoughts