The attacks were underway when my alarm clock came on with my morning news radio. I was still mostly asleep as the story was being reported, and so the events were happening in my dream. It was surreal when I finally became fully awake to realize it wasn't a dream, that it was actually happening. I was just lying there unmoving, listening to the news, and feeling bewildered and angry. Finally I realized I had made myself late for work, so I rushed out of the house. I was a new Muslim at the time. I had converted just a few months prior, although I had been studying Islam and interacting with the local Muslims for about a year. I was also wearing hijab at that point. I was working for a Muslim doctor, and he was one of those Muslims that my convert friends always complained about because he didn't bother giving the prophet's greeting of salam, and instead would just say hi. And for the entire time I worked for him, he would greet me in the morning with "Hi." Except that day. That day, when I rushed in late, he greeted me with the full assalamualaikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatu. I think I mumbled back walaikum salam, and then he ran off, and for the rest of the day the other lady in the office and I hardly did any work and just sat and listened to the radio. It wasn't until several weeks later that I finally saw footage of planes crashing into the towers.
When I got home from work that day, my neighbor had put a note on my door to say that I had his support. I don't remember the exact words, but he was basically saying he didn't blame me personally for the attacks, and that if anyone gave me trouble he would protect me. It was very nice of him, and I appreciated it. I never told him though. I was having a difficult time with myself. When I woke in the morning, my first reaction was anger, and I wanted to know WHO could have done something like this. When I found out it was Muslims, I was horrified and confused. One of my close and trusted Muslim friends basically felt like this:
part of me actually had a smug satisfaction and was thinking "well they had it coming".
and told me as much, and even more, that the day was a great victory for Muslims, that Americans should get over it because there are people in countries who live in such situations on a daily basis, that this is every day life for them, and what makes us so special. This made my cognitive dissonance almost unbearable, and apparently it was easier for my faith to prevail. I had to disregard much, and cling to the idea that the perpetrators were not real Muslims. I had to push aside my many varying emotions until they were buried and gone. I will always remember that morning, waking into a state of shock and anger, but I don't feel those emotions any more. The only thing I feel now about 9/11 is shame and regret.
Topic: 9/11