Re: Write a letter to yourself
Reply #12 - May 01, 2012, 05:09 AM
Dear teenage self,
Don't give up hope, don't despair, you're stronger than you think and you have what it takes to survive, I should know 'cause I'm your future self and I'm writing this letter to you, so there.
My first bit of advice is this: Get out. Go to the cops and tell them what's going on, tell them everything and don't be afraid. Contact a DV hotline and let them know about your living situation. You know you can do this as I know how clever you are 'cause I am you only older. Walk out and never come back. Tell those who can help you (police etc...) and don't be ashamed or embarrassed and don't believe the lies that you've been told that you have to keep the secrets and the shame. You don't have to maintain loyalty to them, as they broke their duty a long time ago. Tell and know that you are doing the right thing and that in telling you will be saving and protecting your siblings. Don't do what I did, instead be brave and tell, tell, tell.
The police will believe you, they will protect you and will protect your siblings, really they will. They won't make you go back home like mother told you, rather they will protect you. Just don't let fear of your parents chicken you out in telling the cops what's going on at home.
You have a chance at life, so take it and don't let fear stop you.
Don't believe what they told you when they said that you were just a child and foolish for your dreams, your dreams are worthy and you haven't been a child since you were eight. You grew up so fast and what they say is only to keep you from believing in yourself and so that they can keep control. You can make it, they have lied to you.
Whatever you do, don't get married, don't let yourself be talked into it and don't let it happen. You don't have to get married and in fact you are smarter than they think you are and in fact you are even smarter than you give credit to yourself for. As an individual you aren't the sum of obedience to your father or a husband. You are you, special and unique and you don't need to play that role in order to be a good person. You are a good person regardless of whether you obey your father enough or whether you are a wife or not. You do not have to get married, and don't get married until you are much much older and have experienced life and worked through with a psychologist all the painful traumas you have experienced and have healed. Don't let yourself be talked into anything that your gut tells you not to do. Believe in yourself and trust your instincts.
Know that pretty much everything you were told in regards to yourself and your worth were lies. You don't have to prove to your parents that you can be a good person by marrying. You don't have to prove to anyone that you are a good person by being religious. Being religious does not equal goodness, as you already know: consider your family and how much hurt is done to others in the name of religion. Look at your mother and the pain and sorrow she experiences because of religion, because of the dogmatic views they hold, and because she stays in a bad situation because of the religious belief that in order to go to heaven that a wife must submit and obey her husband in all things. Again, religion does not equal goodness. And you don't have to be religious to be good, in fact many people are good without religion and for you I think it would be wise to give up religion all-together, that way you can learn about yourself without having the constraints of religion governing your every thought and action. If you wanted to pick up religion again in the future, you could do so, just know that by keeping to the traditions of your parents and their parents before you, that your ability to think about your situation and your ability to make wise choices are severely impaired. And anyway, if there is a god up there, if he is a good one, a wise and merciful one, he would not mind if you took a break from religion and started using your own mind to work things out. Would you really want to worship an infantile god who demanded you to live in misery and torture anyway?
You know these answers deep down, so listen and know that you do know what you really think about these things. Don't let fear govern your thoughts or actions. You don't have to believe anything you don't want to, you have your own brain and are allowed to make your own mind on things. I'm telling you this 'cause I didn't think I had a choice but I now know that I am allowed to be my own person and that I'm not a bad person for it. You have been brought up to live by fear, to obey under threat, and to give up your thoughts because you've been told they are wrong. Your thoughts aren't any wronger than those who taught you, just because you are you doesn't make your thoughts wrong. As individuals, none of us are worth any less than any other, we are all just human beings who have our own thoughts/interpretations/feelings, and your thoughts and feelings aren't any less valid than any other. Know that you are a good person and your thoughts and feelings are valid and don't believe the contrary.
Be strong in this now, and know that you will be plagued with doubts as you start to make your own descisions, but when those doubts come up, go through the pros and cons of each situation and foremost keep in your mind that the constant doubting of yourself and your thoughts and feelings and descisions is primarily because you have spent your whole life being told that you are wrong and that you are evil. You are not. Those were lies designed to keep you in your place and to make you scared to be who you are.
Don't talk to them ever again. Walk out, leave it all behind and never look back.
Study, study, study, you'll have to start with the basics but you can move on to higher levels. You can do it. You really can. They told you that you are dumb and are good for nothing but marriage and child-bearing and that you couldn't go become *dream occupation* even if you tried. But you can do it. Go for it and never look back.
Get a good job, work hard, and save up for a house. Go get therapy as you have so much decaying festering wounds inside that soul of yours and you need help so that you won't go back and so that you will be able to be strong in the face of it all. If the first psychologist you see doesn't help, see another one, just keep trying until you get the right one who you can trust. Work through with the psychologist until you start to heal. Don't ever, ever give up.
Don't be so desperate for company that you will accept any person as a friend, know that you are worth more than being taken advantage of and that any person who treats you badly isn't worth your time or your effort.
Keep strong, you can get through. You are not a bad person like you've been led to believed, you are a good person who has had bad stuff done to, it's not you who is evil, rather the persons who have hurt you. You did not deserve any of it. None of it was your fault.
You will survive.
Much love,
From your future self.
Topic: Write a letter to yourself