I fucking hate nightmares.
Last night I had so many nightmares, I can't even begin to count. Nightmare, after nightmare, after nightmare.
My kids woke up over and over again to me screaming out, "Help, he's here, help me! I have to protect my kids, help! Help me! Please help! Someone please help!"
Then when my kids come to try to wake me up, I was screaming, "No, don't hurt me! Please *my X's name*, please don't hurt us. Help! Someone help! Help me! Don't, please don't, please don't hurt me," then me crying, my kid's still trying to wake me up, and me going back to, "Help, help! My kids, I have to protect my kids! Please, somebody, save my kids! Help, please help!"
I remember bits of the nightmares, the first one we were back with my X back at his place and I was screaming 'cause I was trying to escape and he was dragging me back, I dreamed that I walked to the front door at his place with the kids and him grabbing me by my hair and dragging me to the bedroom without the kids and locking me in.
No wonder I hate having long hair and want to chop it all off.
Then the other dreams were all along the lines of struggling to wake up 'cause of thinking he was here and knowing that I have to wake up to protect my kids and call the police, I remember dreaming that he had his hands around my neck, I remember crying, I remember begging him to stop hurting me (I was dreaming that he was here hurting me), I remember my daughter eventually waking me up, and me finally realizing that it was her and not my X who was shaking my arm. I remember her telling me over and over that it was just a nightmare, and it finally sinking in that indeed it was just a nightmare. I remember asking my daughter to stay next to me, to sleep on the other end of the couch so that she could wake me up if I had another nightmare. I remember crying after I woke up too, sobbing because the nightmare had seemed so real.
My daughter said to me this morning, "Mummy, every night you have nightmares, every night you scream like this *she does the scream I do at night*, and yell, 'Help! Help!'" She told me about how I kick and thrash about and how hard it is to wake me up when I'm having a nightmare and how she's sick of me having so many bad dreams and wishes it wouldn't happen any more.
Even my son who usually sleeps through my nightmares and screaming in my sleep woke up to it last night and told me this morning.
I'm so sick of it. What kind of mother am I if my kids have to listen to me screaming in my sleep? I feel like the worst mother ever, as I'm supposed to be the mother here and help my kids when they have nightmares, not the other way around. I'm worried my nightmares might be traumatizing for the kids, that my screaming in my sleep probably scares them.
I was so grateful last night that my daughter woke me up from my nightmare, yet instead I should've been upset that she had to wake me up and saw me like that, screaming in my sleep etc... I don't know what to do though, as I can't control the nightmares, I can't make them stop, and I can't stop myself from screaming out in my sleep. When I have those dreams that my X is here, when I'm in those nightmares, I believe them completely, when those dreams are happening it's reality to my asleep brain and I struggle and fight and scream out 'cause I want to protect my kids and I'm really scared.
What the fuck to do? What the fuck can I do?
I'm fucking frustrated and annoyed too 'cause I haven't seen my psychologist in 3 weeks, and can't see her again until the 18th of July, as she has to go for knee reconstructive surgery and can't come into to work at the moment. Not her fault, I feel really bad for her, but at the same time it's a long time to wait to be able to work through stuff and I'm worried my PTSD is going to get worse and not better whilst I wait, as seeing her is like opening the valve each week and good 'cause I'm able to work through stuff with her instead of me struggling with all the traumatic memories on my own.
Ahhh fucking wanker of a day.
I feel like shit.
Topic: Broken Birdie Flying - Blog of this Ex-Muslim