Not sure what to do
OP - July 21, 2012, 08:37 PM
Hello everyone,
I'm new here. I stumbled across this forum by accident and I can't remember for the life of me what I was looking for when I did. A little bit about myself, I'm female, 25, born in a gulf country in an arab family and a rather big one at that with lots of brothers...
I have to say that my parents were not devout muslims. In fact, for reasons beyond me, they put me in a catholic school for all of my primary education and I was within a muslim minority there. That school, though catholic, was very particular about God and religious practices so those who were not christian were sent to islamic lessons and I have to say that was the only time I was ever taught to pray and read the Quran.
Years later, I was out of that school. Islamic studies never really was a big part of my new school and none of my friends were muslims. My parents were not devout. In fact, I took it upon myself to read about religion and then at 16, I was at university, out of the country and I took some islamic electives, I guess to see what all the fuss was about. My father only became a devout muslim a year before he died. My brothers vary from completely not muslim to extremely devout. Those that were devout kept telling me to pray but they stopped. It's kind of a don't ask, don't tell situation.
I'm now 25 years old, educated and fairly happy with myself but all of a sudden I find myself re-united with two members of my family. They have found out things about me such as that I don't stand up and "defend" Islam every time it's attacked (in fact, I'm often offended when Islam is attacked so harshly but I'm just as offended when any religion and any group of people is mocked for their beliefs or for being something, whether religious, sexual or racial). Even though I myself cannot identify with any religion, I respect those who do and often try to avoid arguments and confrontations that can be avoided - 'cept when I'm personally attacked or insulted. Anyway back to the matter at hand, I find myself extremely unhappy right now being around two praying, rather devout family members. I know that they know what I am, but little by little, I feel that they are forcing me to be what I am not or at least trying to force me. I don't think the silence is doing it anymore. I feel nothing short of just sitting them and stating explicitly what I am and what I'm not willing to be will do.... but I don't know how to go about doing that mainly because I don't want to hurt anyone. I know it's important to my mother who has lost so much in life but is demanding so much also. I know she's not trying to hurt me but it feels like emotional blackmail because I can't do anything about it except listen to it and keep my mouth shut for fear it would be bad on her or her health. That would be easy to do as I stated before, I'm not very confrontational, but the fact that she is getting very tiring.
My way of living is not pleasing to her. I mean I don't do anything crazy such as go clubbing every night (or at all, actually). I don't wear outrageous clothing because it's just not me and I find overly skimpy clothing tasteless but I do wear things that would be considered unislamic (... sleeveless, above ankle, tights etc). My hair is short... and other than the whole not wearing a hijab thing, the next best thing for her would be to keep my hair long because you know, anyone with short hair is automatically considered lesbian. And on that note, my friends.... due to the nature of what I do and work as, a lot of my friends are from the gay community and I've been given endless grief about it. I have a small tattoo on my back that she has only just found out about... I have had it for 6 years now. It's nothing big.. it's just words from a poem unrelated to anything but of course that does not matter. She's compared my "freedom" to do anything I want with my body - namely- seeing that tattoo with me going around and "raping" people.... in that
"why would you think it's okay to get that tattoo? Personal freedom? Is it your personal freedom to go around raping people? Should we not say something about that if you start doing it?"
Like they're at all related X_X
I'm kind of stuck in this rut now. I started living with my sister but that's because I thought she needed a place to stay while she was away and I was being kind to her. Now she's stuck to me like glue and I just found out it's because my mother wants to keep a distant eye on me. My sister is not a hijabi but she is moderately devout and shares my mother's views. I feel suffocated right now. I know she can't stop me from doing anything I want but I can't take this anymore. The feeling that someone needs to babysit me. The fact that I have to explain to them that I'm not a rapist and i'm not personally rebelling, it's not a phase and it certainly is not me trying to be like someone else. I don't know how to do that without causing extreme heartache to a very ill woman and I don't know how to live like this any more. No one has taken care of me past the age of 16... I don't know why the need to start right now.
I'm just completely, terribly, unbelievably unhappy. And I'm extremely offended that I have to explain or justify the silliest little things. I haven't attacked anyone... I haven't said anything. I just try to defend myself against silly little accusations but in doing so, I keep being told that I'm trying to be what I'm not. Well, what am I? and why do I have to be imitating anyone else just because I choose not to be what you are? And why is it so hard to understand that at age 25, it's quite possible that you're completely grown up, not going through a phase and you know what you're doing. :/
I'm stuck and I guess I just had to let that off my shoulders because I'm just tipping the edge.
Topic: Not sure what to do