I'm getting divorced

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- strangestdude
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
I'm getting divorced
OP - August 07, 2012, 09:30 PM

Hey guys,

Like the title says I'm getting divorced. My wife and I met when I was a muslim and we've been married for 4 years.

After leaving Islam, I reassessed practically every decision I made under the influence of islam - including my marriage. I realized that I could give my life internal direction and purpose, so what I wanted from life changed. It's been a year since I deconverted and I knew this moment was coming, because I've discussed this with her but she didn't want to. But it's now became apparent to her that we want very different things from life, and it's become a genuinely mutual agreement.

She's moving out at the end of the month, and I'll be alone. We are still going to talk on the phone, and be there for each other. We both feel it's a good transition, because we are each other's best friends. (However when one of us find a partner, we'll of course limit it to occasional emails, etc)

That most challenging part about this is that I'll be losing my best friend. She's seen practically every part of me, and is my primary emotional support. I'm a socially awkward guy, and I don't have friends who I meet up with regularly. I'm also an only child. So I'm a pretty lonely guy, and the internet is my primary source of social interaction.

I've also lost my job because I'm on a 0 hour contract. I was being discriminated by a client of a contractor that I work for. And I was threatened by my company to keep my mouth shut or they'll utilize my 0 hour contract, and legally ensure that they have no available work for. I went ahead with my grievance anyway (and I made a complaint of victimization from my regional manager) and have been off work due to stress since then - because I simply could not being the person who was discriminating against me. I also might have to move out of my flat due to a lack of money, and live with my mum again.

So it's a pretty challenging time that I'm going through. Meditation and self-compassion self-help practices have kept me pretty stable, though anxiety is a persistant challenge. I'm going to arrange counselling through the NHS, because I'd like some professional support through this period.

Any advice from others who've gone through divorce?

What's it like emotionally?

And any advice for coping/transitioning?

An alternative to religion;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nfXfTg92E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWNW-NXEudk
- scamper_22
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #1 - August 07, 2012, 09:41 PM

I understand you're no longer Muslim, but it seems you and your wife are on really good terms and are best friends.
Can I ask why there was a need for divorce?

What does she want out of life that you cannot do anymore?
Do you not want kids or something or are you really struggling with the idea of raising your kids Muslim or dealing with her family...?
Does she nag you to pray and be a better muslim?
- TheDashingRabbit
- Politics and Literature Junkie
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #2 - August 07, 2012, 09:41 PM

I'm sorry about your marriage and job.

Here are some job search agencies you can try:

http://www.workopolis.com/EN/Common/HomePage.aspx

http://www.jobsearch.co.uk/

http://www.londonjobs.co.uk/

http://www.monster.co.uk/

Sorry I can't offer any more advice. I am sure some of the older members on this forum will be glad to share their wisdom.

In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
- billy
- Pub Regular
- Tripitaka ~ Closet Juice
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #3 - August 07, 2012, 10:06 PM

Sorry to hear that mate, and sorry to hear about the rainy life weather you're experiencing at the moment. Are there any support groups for divorcees? I know that might sound weird, because only alcoholics or cancer survivors or such like might be thought to need them, but I do think that the end of a relationship can sometimes bring on feelings not too dissimilar to bereavement, although obviously not comparable, an absence of someone who means so much to you is an absence all the same, and it is in that absence that feelings of melancholy fall.

Try and find a structured way of getting out into the world in interaction with others, where you can meet people. Your NHS counselling will help with that. When you get back into employment that will help too. But in the meantime be proactive in looking for any kind of support group or medium in which you can work through things.

http://www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/support/groups/

The only problem with this is that they charge money and if you're skint that is an issue.

The NHS counsellors or even just your own GP might be able to point you towards something along those lines.

More generally, now is the time to walk out of the door. The walls of your house can easily become to seem like fixed walls inside your soul. The importance of activity and motion cannot be overstated. A routine to take you away from physical confines is important. You only discover roads and routes and paths when you go out into the forest. Hook yourself to things externally. Have you thought of returning to college or university? You are a very intellectually gifted person. Self esteem and fulfilment can be achieved by channelling that gift towards an endgame of formal study.

"we can smell traitors and country haters"

Quote from: arX on May 01, 2011, 03:33 AM
God is Love.
Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.
- Cato
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #4 - August 07, 2012, 10:11 PM

Im sorry to hear what you are going through SD.

Well i dont have anything much to offer as a single person though i dont know how lonely you are but im sure you have one or two friends that can keep you in company because this is the stage that you should need company rather than remain alone,it could help you cope. I was semi-recluse for a long time until later i realized i cant remain like this,i have to go out and socialize which i have manage to do so by communicating with two old friends that happens to be in the same campus with me coincidentally, one is living with me now at my flat...well he had no place to stay so i offered him a place until either im through with school or he has find a place to stay. His presence in the flat has really made a difference significantly and he has a wide network of friends all over the town who even come and help us keep us company or hang out which helped a lot.

Anyway,all im saying is dont remain in despair,just embrace it and make the best of what you have.

"I'm standing here like an asshole holding my Charles Dickens"

"No theory,No ready made system,no book that has ever been written to save the world. i cleave to no system.."-Bakunin
- David
- Pub Regular
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Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #5 - August 08, 2012, 01:25 AM

Quote from: strangestdude on August 07, 2012, 09:30 PM
That most challenging part about this is that I'll be losing my best friend. She's seen practically every part of me, and is my primary emotional support.

You won't be losing her.

My best friend is someone I split up with 10 years ago. As you say, she's seen every side of me, and I of her.

It was a bit tricky for a while when I got together with my (now) wife, but she's the first person I'll see when I go to London next week.

You've always struck me as a thoughtful, compassionate guy, just the kind of person who can navigate a deep, long-term, ever-changing friendship.

Good luck getting another job. Work, a necessary evil.
- nesrin
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #6 - August 08, 2012, 01:51 AM

i'm in a similar situation.. it's ridiculously lonely sometimes.. so joinging local groups is a fantastic idea, groups you are actually interested in! there you will find people who already have one thing in common with you..

i'm glad that you and your wife seem to be in mutual agreement about this.. because i think divorce doesn't necassarily have to be a bad thing..
and David's right, you won't be losing her... you'll just be redefining your relationship ..

ok.. so back to basics then strangestdude.. reset,... start again.. and get excited about it.. find a way to pump yourself up for the new..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NV9vdUjuWxc
- Sir Wankalot
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- small, furry and brown
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Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #7 - August 08, 2012, 06:50 AM

So sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you at the moment, but I think it's great that you and your wife have managed to part on good terms. You two will still be the best of friends and she will still be in your life, so all is not lost. Though the loneliness is inevitable since she won't be around physically, it doesn't have to be permanent.

Definitely make the most of counselling and any support/self-help groups. Now is probably a good time to push the boundaries a bit - try taking up a new hobby and work on those social skills. The isolation will only make it harder to get over the depression and stress about work/life. Just remember that these rubbish times won't last forever. Good luck in the job hunt and stay positive
- Kaleem Yahya
- Member
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Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #8 - August 08, 2012, 07:04 AM

Sorry to hear about this, dude. You should get a few new hobbies, go play some sports, join local clubs or somethings like that. If your going to be on your own you've gotta give yourself something else to do so you don't keep this on your head. I can't really offer you a lot of help cause as I said I have just got married myself. But are you sure you still want to do this? I am guessing you've made the decision already but think about it again. Sorry, dude I can't really say anything except that.

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

John Galt.
- sturmgewehr
- Illyro-Thracian
- Ex-Muslim
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Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #9 - August 08, 2012, 09:12 AM

Quote from: scamper_22 on August 07, 2012, 09:41 PM
I understand you're no longer Muslim, but it seems you and your wife are on really good terms and are best friends.
Can I ask why there was a need for divorce?

What does she want out of life that you cannot do anymore?
Do you not want kids or something or are you really struggling with the idea of raising your kids Muslim or dealing with her family...?
Does she nag you to pray and be a better muslim?

Yeah I wanted to ask this too, if you guys are in good terms and you are good friends why would u divorce her just because she is a Muslim why get a divorce when u get along so well with someone?
- strangestdude
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #10 - August 08, 2012, 06:22 PM

Thanks for support and well wishes everyone, I sincerely appreciate it. I hope this thread can also others who are separating or are getting divorced. I've taken in everyone's encouragement and advice and I'll try to use them to help me through this period.

Like most of you have said it's important to try to socialize and have a 'support network' to help through this period. So I'm gonna try to call up my cousin to arrange a get together that we've been meaning to do for a while, and call up friends to grab a drink with.

It's a shame that I have physical injuries because a brazillian jiu jitsu class has opened up 5 minutes away from me, and in the past marital arts have always been a fulfilling experience for me, and a great means of socializing.

I'm really glad that I've been practicing self-help exercises. Although this is a very emotionally challenging time and has been since the discrimination issue began a month and a half ago, I haven't slipped in depression.

Regarding a job, I'm currently researching into affiliate marketing, jobs ing my area are mainly part-time - so I'm gonna try to create an opportunity for myself online. It's definitely not a get rich quick scheme though, alot of work and patience involved.

An alternative to religion;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nfXfTg92E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWNW-NXEudk
- strangestdude
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #11 - August 08, 2012, 06:28 PM

Regarding the reason for divorce;

A major reason is that she wants kids, and I don't. There is another major issue that I won't go into, but basically we both agree that we want different things from life.

It will be 2 years down the line though - in the UK we have to be seperated for 2 years before we can apply for divorce. But this has been brewing since late last year so I doubt we will get back together.

It's fucking £400 in total to get divorced!!!

An alternative to religion;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nfXfTg92E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWNW-NXEudk
- Sir Wankalot
- Pub Regular
- small, furry and brown
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #12 - August 09, 2012, 06:54 AM

Quote from: strangestdude on August 08, 2012, 06:28 PM
It will be 2 years down the line though - in the UK we have to be seperated for 2 years before we can apply for divorce.

I had no idea god I'm so naive. I thought you just turfed up somewhere and signed some papers
It was easy enough getting married, why is it so difficult to divorce?!

Quote from: strangestdude
It's fucking £400 in total to get divorced!!!

That sounds.....cheap Don't get me wrong, it's still a lot of money - but I thought it would be more than that for some reason. Is it because the split is amicable? I guess if both sides wanted to wrangle and argue over who gets what and hire lawyers etc then that would lead to a bigger bill.
- nesrin
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #13 - August 09, 2012, 05:08 PM

it's not easy getting a divorce, and its not cheap either.. in canada you have to seperated for the min. of one year, and that's if things are mutually agreed upon.. it costs almost $1500(for everything start to finish) but that's only if the lawyer is being nice, and there's no back and forth about property or equity..

it's a pain in the behind to say the least.. i know some people who have opted to stay legally seperated..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NV9vdUjuWxc
- strangestdude
- Ex-Muslim
- offline
Re: I'm getting divorced
Reply #14 - August 10, 2012, 06:31 PM

@sirwankalot I was under that naive impression too. £400 is no joke when you're broke, but that'll be in 2 years, so I hopefully I'll be ok by then.

@Ness

Man, I'm glad that I'm not getting divorced in canada! I can see why some people opt to stay legally seperated.

An alternative to religion;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nfXfTg92E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWNW-NXEudk
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