Fantasies of the unfaithful?

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Fantasies of the unfaithful?
OP - August 11, 2012, 02:43 PM

Browsing through some of the forum threads lately got me thinking, just like that ->

Most people feel strongly about physical infidelity. Many would also be upset by emotional infidelity, like being in love or having a close relationship with someone else.

There are also those who consider viewing porn as an unfaithful act.

So the cogs in my brain started turning....

How many people in relationships masturbate? (I'm thinking quite a few )

Would you be upset if your partner masturbated?

Of those who masturbate, do you fantasize about your partner or someone else?

Would you be upset if you knew your partner masturbates while fantasizing about someone else?

And what about fantasizing about someone else while having sex with your partner? - is that the ultimate taboo?

Is fantasizing about an (unattainable) celebrity less "bad" than say the sexy neighbour or colleague?

Dissecting the human mind is so fascinating at times! Your thoughts?
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #1 - August 11, 2012, 04:09 PM

I'm quite sexually open. I expect to at least be able to check people out with my partner. If someone told me I should stop staring at others, that's the first sign that our relationship isn't going to work out.

If someone doesn't masturbate, that tells a lot about their views on sexuality. We probably wouldn't click. I'd like to be able to go to porn stores and sex clubs and maybe even have a threesome.

To me, fidelity is about honesty. I'm not going to pretend that every single person in the world stops being attractive to my partner as soon as we get together.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #2 - August 11, 2012, 10:47 PM

I can't really imagine living without masturbating. It's kinda like brushing my teeth for me. Seems hopelessly Victorian to try and restrict that sort of thing in this day and age, doubly so for "thoughtcrime".

Infidelity on the other hand is a breach of trust when in an exclusive relationship, so is not really comparable for mine.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #3 - August 11, 2012, 10:59 PM

Quote
I can't really imagine living without masturbating.

^
I know right. Like how are teenagers (especially virgins like me) supposed to release our sexual energy??

I've seen what sexual repression to my cousin. But I digress

I think watching porn, masturbating and fantasizing don't count as cheating at all but I draw the line at flirting though...

And all though checking out people with your partner once in a while isn't bad per say one should recognize that your partner's feelings of jealousy can become exaggerated if you do it too often.

In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #4 - August 12, 2012, 06:07 AM

Quote from: TheDarkRebel on August 11, 2012, 10:59 PM

^
I know right. Like how are teenagers (especially virgins like me) supposed to release our sexual energy??

This thread isn't really for us. It's for those in relationships and whether or not those actions would be construed as cheating.

Still, at this point I don't really see how being in a relationship would alter the situation any. Masturbation would still hold the same value as an essential daily ritual.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #5 - August 12, 2012, 07:40 AM

I never had a problem with my ex husband still masturbating, only with the magazines opened and left on the toilet floor of blonde lady number 1 or 2 or which ever lucky blonde picture did it for him that day.

Knowing he exclusively whacked off to blonde white women was harder to cope with.

Why be married to a brown skin brunette if you ultimate fantasies always revolve around white blonde women?

That's the only part that used to kick. To know that I am not his sexual fantasy no matter what his words said.

I have no problem with fancying women still, but to be committed to only one type of woman, a woman I can't ever be. That stung no matter how I tried to rework it in my head.

I wouldn't be cool with a partner cheating.

I'd much rather someone like abood's mentality. To be honest and open about everything, to check out people together without jealousy and to be open to threesomes of some variety. In that way it wouldn't feel like cheating to me, but rather something me and my partner were cool with. Of course it would matter to me that their heart was with me, and their commitment to a long term relationship was with me, and anything outside of that was our fun. To be first in the pantheon would matter to me.

Then again I could be idealising here. Maybe I would find myself jealous, maybe they would, who knows. I've never been with someone who was open. Just one guy I can say I dated who was always upfront with me and I knew I could trust, but that was exclusive.

However if the add in was always a blonde woman, then it's all over.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #6 - August 12, 2012, 10:33 AM

I'd be more concerned if someone wasn't masturbating. It's nearly always without exception indicative of some deep and troubled awkwardness about sex, most often down to religious indoctrination. That or lack of libido caused by some other deeper emotional exhaustion not being dealt with.

I'd have no problem with my other half going to a strip club without me. I'd also have no problem with him going to see a prostitute in certain circumstances. The latter is only cheating if it happens behind my back.

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #7 - August 12, 2012, 10:44 AM

Quote from: Sir Wankalot on August 11, 2012, 02:43 PM
How many people in relationships masturbate? (I'm thinking quite a few )

I do. But we don't live together and see each other twice or three times a year, so it makes perfect sense. I don't know how it would be if/when we live together. I have never lived with a man, so honestly I have no idea.

Quote
Would you be upset if your partner masturbated?

Assuming we are living together (I'd be worried if he didn't masturabate while we're apart ) then no, not if it's something that he actually loves doing. I would enquire, though, if it's because our sex life is not satisfactory. If it is, and he still wants to masturbate, he's welcome to it.

Quote
Of those who masturbate, do you fantasize about your partner or someone else?

My partner, most of the time. I will be honest and admit that I sometimes fantasize about male gay porn/erotica. I've yet to fantasize about a "real" person (someone I know in real life) since we became a couple.

Quote
Would you be upset if you knew your partner masturbates while fantasizing about someone else?

If it were someone like a neighbour or a coworker, I guess I would be.

Quote
And what about fantasizing about someone else while having sex with your partner? - is that the ultimate taboo?

I don't think that's acceptable.

Quote
Is fantasizing about an (unattainable) celebrity less "bad" than say the sexy neighbour or colleague?

Yes, it definitely is, to me.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #8 - August 12, 2012, 11:40 AM

Quote from: Abood on August 11, 2012, 04:09 PM
To me, fidelity is about honesty. I'm not going to pretend that every single person in the world stops being attractive to my partner as soon as we get together.

I agree.

I think I'd prefer an open relationship, I would have to deal with pangs of jealousy but the honesty would probably be worth it IMO.

In the context of a monogamous relationship I don't consider checking others out, or fantasizing about others to be cheating.

And like others have said, I think that the deception is a major part of the deep hurt caused by cheating. If someone was open and honest about their sexual attraction to others at least there would be trust, and you could make an informed decision to stay with that person or not.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #9 - August 12, 2012, 11:51 AM

Also, jealousy or lack of trust is just as destructive as infidelity in a relationship.

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #10 - August 12, 2012, 12:46 PM

Without being capable of tactful deception we would never even have the semblance of a possibility of a sincere relationship with anyone.

By that I mean our thoughts and fantasies often betray the exclusive intimacy we share with someone we love and we cannot help it. Our imaginations, including our erotic imaginations, are part of our fertility and live mind and animal intelligence.

But we understand they exist in that realm, and we don't need to either feel bad about that, or to potentially hurt the person we are in a relationship with by articulating every moment of wandering imagination when it rolls about our sexuality.

Everyone has an imagination and a subversive, secret sexual self that exists in that imagination. In fact I would go further and say that guarding it is vital to the maintenance of a healthy relationship because the more you sublimate yourself into another person that you love, the more a subliminal part of your mind guards its independence and effective autonomy and our sexuality is a part of that, a deep intimate and central part of that. We all have our private self and our most private self is bound up in our sexuality and imagination.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #11 - August 12, 2012, 12:56 PM

Quote from: Sir Wankalot on August 11, 2012, 02:43 PM
How many people in relationships masturbate? (I'm thinking quite a few )

I do, i use to think that i may not masturbate if im in a relationship, how wrong i was

Quote
Would you be upset if your partner masturbated?

No, i would be turned on instead

Quote
Of those who masturbate, do you fantasize about your partner or someone else?

Yup, both

Quote
Would you be upset if you knew your partner masturbates while fantasizing about someone else?

Nope, i cant prevent her from doing so,so i see no reason why i should be upset with that.

Quote
And what about fantasizing about someone else while having sex with your partner? - is that the ultimate taboo?

Weird because i never tried that, i dont think if its even possible for me to do that because during the sex i mostly concentrate on my partner by watching how she reacts, watching her moaning and enjoying the sex turns me on very much which makes the sex better.

Quote
fantasizing about an (unattainable) celebrity less "bad" than say the sexy neighbour or colleague?

Yeah,but i still wouldnt mind if its a normal person yet i would prefer it if she can keep it to herself,same goes for me.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #12 - August 12, 2012, 01:07 PM

Quote from: Ishina on August 12, 2012, 11:51 AM
Also, jealousy or lack of trust is just as destructive as infidelity in a relationship.

Trust is slow to make and quick to break. Best not take liberties with it.

I'm 20 years older than my other half. My flesh will grow weak and she may want something strong. As long as she's honest, I'll be able to live with it. I think.

It could work the other way round of course. Again, I hope I'd be honest with her.

Oh, and I'm a wanker of course.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #13 - August 12, 2012, 02:56 PM

Take the blue pill.

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #14 - August 12, 2012, 05:27 PM

Great responses everyone although considering the kind of folk here, it's no surprise that the views here are quite liberal.

I remember having a brief conversation with a friend of mine a couple of years ago. She is a tad liberal but generally a good Catholic and while she seemed ok with the thought of her bf watching porn and masturbating, she seemed to think that these things would stop once they are married. I hope she is not in for a rude awakening

Any way it would be rude if I didn't answer my own questions!

Quote
How many people in relationships masturbate? (I'm thinking quite a few Grin)

I wouldn't be called the great Sir Wankalot if I didn't

Quote
Would you be upset if your partner masturbated?

No. I'm sure he does, though I haven't ever caught him in the act yet

Quote
Of those who masturbate, do you fantasize about your partner or someone else?

Both. I think most of my fantasies involve nameless, faceless people. There are a couple of folk I've come across IRL that have made their way in though

Quote
Would you be upset if you knew your partner masturbates while fantasizing about someone else?

No. I don't really want to know the details though I know he has a thing for tall, leggy blondes but it doesn't bother me. He still has a poster of Seven of 9 up by his desk. I wonder how many times he's jerked off to that

Quote
And what about fantasizing about someone else while having sex with your partner? - is that the ultimate taboo? Grin

I can't multi-task very well so no. I'm usually focused on what's happening.

Quote
Is fantasizing about an (unattainable) celebrity less "bad" than say the sexy neighbour or colleague?

No, not really - although if they ALWAYS fantasized about the real person, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate things? But then since these are all part of the thoughts of a person, it's not something I would be aware of any way so I guess it doesn't matter in the end.

I think it would be great to be in an open relationship that was based on trust and honesty. Not sure if I would ever get jealous or not.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #15 - August 12, 2012, 06:44 PM

Never been in a proper relationship but I wouldn't mind at all. Although I'd rather said partner shared (some of) their fantasies with me, instead of keeping it a secret, which would mean that they possibly attached some sort of stigma to act or that perhaps that it was more than a fantasy, i.e if his ex was a constant theme in his fantasies then that could indicate hidden feelings.

Fantasies are precisely that. One shouldn't look into it too much. If they took it to the next level and acted on those fantasies, however, then we'd have a problem. Masturbating whilst in a relationship is perfectly healthy, you weren't always dependent on your partner for pleasure and that doesn't have to change.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #16 - August 13, 2012, 02:41 AM

Quote from: Ishina on August 12, 2012, 02:56 PM
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #17 - August 13, 2012, 01:05 PM

I would prefer a non-committed relationship. Short term relationships, just sex and enjoying each others company in a light-hearted way, and not getting emotionally connected with them, no jealousy, but going with the mutual physical attraction. Something like friends with benefits. As soon as one finds another person attractive, then just stop sleeping with each other. I think with an open relationship (multiple sex partners, one night stands etc) increases the risks of std.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #18 - August 13, 2012, 03:26 PM

I'm up for it.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #19 - August 13, 2012, 03:31 PM

Smooth.

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #20 - August 13, 2012, 03:42 PM

^

"The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline toward the religion of solitude."

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #21 - August 13, 2012, 03:51 PM

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor E. Frankl

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #22 - August 13, 2012, 04:37 PM

Quote from: Ishina on August 13, 2012, 03:31 PM
Smooth.

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Re: Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #23 - August 14, 2012, 03:22 AM

Quote from: billy on August 12, 2012, 12:46 PM
Without being capable of tactful deception we would never even have the semblance of a possibility of a sincere relationship with anyone.

By that I mean our thoughts and fantasies often betray the exclusive intimacy we share with someone we love and we cannot help it. Our imaginations, including our erotic imaginations, are part of our fertility and live mind and animal intelligence.

But we understand they exist in that realm, and we don't need to either feel bad about that, or to potentially hurt the person we are in a relationship with by articulating every moment of wandering imagination when it rolls about our sexuality.

Everyone has an imagination and a subversive, secret sexual self that exists in that imagination. In fact I would go further and say that guarding it is vital to the maintenance of a healthy relationship because the more you sublimate yourself into another person that you love, the more a subliminal part of your mind guards its independence and effective autonomy and our sexuality is a part of that, a deep intimate and central part of that. We all have our private self and our most private self is bound up in our sexuality and imagination.

Maybe it's just my inability to understand big words but what exactly does "tactful deception" have to do with what you described in the rest of your post?

I mean it seems pretty obvious that even in the most honest of relationships that you don't need to mention to your partner every time you pop a stiffy staring at a broad walking down the street. That would get tedious very fast. In any case that kind of discretion doesn't seem at all to me to be any kind of deception, tactful or otherwise.

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Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #24 - March 29, 2013, 12:00 AM

be suspicious of anyone who doesnt masturbate

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Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #25 - March 29, 2013, 01:56 AM

True

So once again I'm left with the classic Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
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Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #26 - March 29, 2013, 05:26 AM

Quote from: asbie on August 14, 2012, 03:22 AM
Maybe it's just my inability to understand big words but what exactly does "tactful deception" have to do with what you described in the rest of your post?

I mean it seems pretty obvious that even in the most honest of relationships that you don't need to mention to your partner every time you pop a stiffy staring at a broad walking down the street. That would get tedious very fast.

It seems you've understood the point quite well.

Seriously, I dare people to be honest all the time. Your social life with fall apart. Nobody will like you. You'll be a pariah. A pariah in a hospital ward eating your meals through a straw.

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
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Fantasies of the unfaithful?
Reply #27 - March 29, 2013, 05:56 AM

I have no idea why anyone would think there is anything wrong with masturbating when you're in a relationship. Why would they be offended by that? People who think like that must be sexually ignorant or repressed...
I WOULD NEVER date someone who wasn't okay with me masturbating. That is a red flag.

Just thinking about it logically should clue these people in - You can't have sex 24/7 with your partner. What if they're at work, and you get horny? What's wrong with pleasing yourself instead of having to depend and rely on them to have the sex YOU want on THEIR time? It's silly. And it's not just about that - masturbation is a life-long thing. I've been having my own orgasms since a young age, and I'm not going to stop just because I now have a sexual partner.

As for fantasizing, I'm not sure. But that would probably go under the category of "thought crime." I don't think it's that big of a deal either, but I won't know how I feel unless I'm in that situation. But if you're having sex with your partner and you're not present in the moment with them, that might be a bad sign for you, let alone them.

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