strategising an approach to tackling my depression

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- serrated_colon
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strategising an approach to tackling my depression
OP - November 15, 2012, 09:10 AM

i've been depressed for a very long time now. i've been completely self-destructive to the point of ruining my education and any chance of my life, despite this going in a 'straight line' of sorts. i've hit the crossroads where i decide whether i fade away into the point of suicidal tendency or not let it control me(i've never seen the point of suicide but then again i once never saw the point of drug abuse), so i am going to try and analytically tackle the problem.

the points of interest i find are as such:

(a) i have zero-self worth. i've never known what it is to feel like i am worth anything to anybody who isn't immediately forced to cope with me. i consistently dismiss things that people consider me 'talented' at and always have assured myself that i am infact not talented at these things. for most of my years i have considered this humility, but i cannot find the fine line between being humble and being worthless.

(b) i do not understand people. i guess this is because i've only really ever seen the hostility and hatred of people when it comes to me, or rather that it far outweighs any good that i've ever seen in people. when presented with a person who is good to me, i constantly question whether it is genuine and end up concluding that it isn't for the sake of my own self-preservation. this has jeopardised many potential social interactions and friends that i could have had because i cannot bring myself to believe that such 'goodness' is real.

(c) as a result of (a) and (b), i feel that i must 'escape' from life, as i do not understand life as it is. i have done so(and still do) through the medium of competitive gaming, and more recently abusing drugs(sober now ;o). to demonstrate, i have not spoken to a single person for a social interaction outside of my current part-time job or my immediate family for 6 months now. i have not gone outside for 'fun' or to do anything recreational in the same amount of time. i drown myself in the internet because it is the only place i understand and as such, it is 'safe' for me to spend my life here, regardless of whether it is healthy or not.

(d) as a result of all of this, i have completely neglected fundamental concepts such as personal hygiene or a proper diet to facilitate me having more time to spend on my 'escapes'. currently, i eat once a day and bathe once a month(if i even remember to bathe). i've not brushed my teeth, flossed or even applied vaseline to my disgustingly dry lips for probably about a year or so(such that i can remember). i am so engrossed into escaping from life that routines such as these are eschwed. and yes, i know it's completely disgusting but when i did these things i felt completely disgusting as that's how i felt others perceived me. so i abandoned such habits and now they don't exist anymore. this creates a cycle of self-hatred as i am completely aware as to how others must perceive me(it's probably why i drank so much at meetups too).

i think i can aptly say i currently deal with things by 'not caring'. i stop giving a single fuck because giving a fuck means i have to step up to reality and be conscious again about what i do in life. it feels like it has become a subconscious reaction to dismiss absolutely everything and think 'at least i can log into steam and spend a couple hundred hours a week playing dota' or some shit.

now that i've written out what i think my problems are, i kind of want to plan out an action(that i may or may not act on, i just want it to be here for the day i man the fuck up and deal with my horrible self) to deal with this.

1) diet. i'm like 100lb and 5'11". i've always been a skinny fuck but even my family have started to notice that i have gone machinist on them(that's how my sister described it to me). the only problem is i don't exactly know where to start. i kind of want to form a structured diet that i can follow to the letter in order to gain weight(eat more isn't something that i can measure or a method i can follow as it's vague as shit) but i have no idea where to begin.

2) exercise. this is a lot easier as there was once a time where my problems weren't so bad, or rather i dealt with my problems constructively rather than destructively. i know i can plan out a course of action but google can help with that.

3) therapy. this is another part of me not knowing where the fuck to begin. for reference, i live in the UK. i've always thought you have to pay for shit like this but i have no idea how i begin to explain myself, or whether i'll even have enough time each session to make an active step forward.

4) hygiene. i don't think there needs much to be said, other than i feel my teeth are something that cannot be saved. not sure if i have the money to pay for it to be treated but basically i have holes in the teeth to the left and right of my incisors.

5) social interaction. i think this would be the last thing i attempt to tackle, as i feel my inability to interact is defined my by insecurity about the way i look to others. a weak, dirty, pathetic piece of shit. if i can cure the way i look i think i can look to have confidence enough to not care whether people are assholes, but not automatically assume they will reject me for the very good reason that i am a weak, dirty, pathetic piece of shit.

any specific strategies and stuff would be helpful

n.b. i guess i am trying to approach this too analytically but i guess this is the way i think. thoughts?
- Sprout
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Re: strategising an approach to tackling my depression
Reply #1 - November 15, 2012, 10:11 AM

Hi

I also have serious clinical depression and have been struggling on and off with it for years, but I have it for different reasons than yours. Anyway, I have a few pieces of advice.

First off though, I commend you on trying to tackle this analytically, I've still not laid out a plan or anything and that's because I'm too scared to, so you've taken the first step, and it's usually the hardest.

First piece of advice is to go visit the doctor, immediately. I've been taking the anti-depressants they give you for a while now, they aren't too bad, they didn't cure much for me but they did repress my eating disorder, they also limited the suicidal tendencies, by quite a bit I should say. I'm starting CBT (Cognitive Behaivoural Therapy) soon, this is available on the NHS and not something you have to pay for. It's self referral as well, but I would suggest you see the local mental health link worker as they may be able to refer you to something better, you do have to sit on a waiting list for a few months for stuff like this. There are also charities like Mind available that run group sessions for certain conditions (again free).

Regarding your teeth, if you are a student you can apply to have a low-income certificate called a HC1 that exempts you from many medical costs, usually dental procedures are included, I'd check, also, if you aren't employed or are working for a low wage, the same applies. So basically you'll be able to sort out your teeth for free-that's part of the process.

Regarding the other things, my generic advice would be to start small and slow, don't pile it on all at once, f.ex, writing a strict diet that you expect yourself to follow to the letter is never going to work, especially if you are depressed. You need to write a gant chart or a timetable which adds a few things to the list every week or whatever so you can transition naturally.

Also, on social interraction, this is a lot easier than it seems right now, forums are fine, especially ones like these, in fact, they are good practice, but if you have old friends you've stopped talking to, reintroduce yourself to them, I've done this and it's been worth it mostly, but this can come later anyway, for now you just need to start slowly with everything else and progress at your own pace.

I know what it's like, and I've read the literature so if you need any other advice I'll try my best, let me know.

Good luck, and you aren't alone.

"Nobody who lived through the '50s thought the '60s could've existed. So there's always hope."-Tuli Kupferberg

What apple stores are like.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8QmZWv-eBI
- Ishina
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Re: strategising an approach to tackling my depression
Reply #2 - November 15, 2012, 05:38 PM

Quote from: serrated_colon on November 15, 2012, 09:10 AM
1) diet. i'm like 100lb and 5'11". i've always been a skinny fuck but even my family have started to notice that i have gone machinist on them(that's how my sister described it to me). the only problem is i don't exactly know where to start. i kind of want to form a structured diet that i can follow to the letter in order to gain weight(eat more isn't something that i can measure or a method i can follow as it's vague as shit) but i have no idea where to begin.

2) exercise. this is a lot easier as there was once a time where my problems weren't so bad, or rather i dealt with my problems constructively rather than destructively. i know i can plan out a course of action but google can help with that.

You can kill two birds with one stone here.

With regards to the first one, it depends what kind of weight you want to put on. And it depends on the person. For example, for me its bread, crackers, pasta, potatoes - not necessarily what makes me put on weight because I burn a lot off in the gym and dojo, but these things are what make me feel shitty and lazy, and they would put visible weight on me (albeit unhealthy weight) if I wasn't training all the time. So I only eat them sparingly and try not to have them before a training session because they make me feel heavy and tired.

My OH swears by chicken and greens, like broccoli. It's a fairly common choice for guys who are training and wanting to bulk up with healthy weight or maintain a good build. It might be different for different guys. He also makes a mash of baked potatoes, onions, cheese and corned beef. It looks like prison slop and tastes a little bit dubious, but he laps a big bowl of that shit up like a happy dog. It's also quite cheap if you're on a budget.

Like Sprout says, avoid holding to a strict eating regime. You'll just end up punishing yourself if you slip up. Instead try and enjoy food - buying it, preparing it, cooking it, and most of all eating it. Make an adventure of it rather than something you have to do. Experiment with different things. Buy stuff you wouldn't normally buy. Treat yourself often. If you're gonna couple eating with training, you can find ways of burning it all off anyway. Unless you wanna be an athlete, you don't have to train and eat like an athlete.

I can hardly ever be bothered to cook stuff, but it's only in theory that it bores me. Once I start cooking, I actually really enjoy it. I feel like a ninja when I'm cooking. But my reluctance to actually start cooking is the reason I mainly eat salads and fruit, or whatever I can throw in my George Foreman Grill (which is the best invention ever after the barbeque. Fast, healthy cooking. And no washing up, you just wipe it down afterwards. WINNING.)

With regards to the second one, here's a good resource for guys: http://athleanx.com

Loads of good stuff on their YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/JDCav24

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWFHk8VvEhQ

What's good about it is variety, plus thorough and accessible explanations and techniques for getting maximum retraction, usage and movement out of individual muscles, and training for practical, usable strength rather than just shape to show off with.

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
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