Hello all,
Been a lurker for a little while, thought it was time to say hello.
I feel I can not say too much at this time, as I have only recently apostated (secretly, about 4 months ago). I was a Muslim convert to the Sunni branch of Islam. And in particular, I - and most of my family; converts one and all - would be considered "Orthodox" (strictly following the Salaf and the early generations). Indeed, I was a (relatively) happy and content Muslim for almost two decades... For the most part, I was satisfied with my religion; in particular, the pure belief in one God. And feeding as I had been on a rich diet of positive, and carefully cherry-picked propaganda, re: Muhammad, I was also satisfied with this man as a "prophet" of the supposed "one true God".
I have also been married a number of years (to a wonderful Muslimah who was born into the Deen), and we have had several children together... which of course, is causing me no end of mental stress and anguish, as they have no idea of my apostasy... yet.
What lead me to this point, I hear you ask? Basically, I have always been one to debate the issues of Islam on the Internet, always quick to come to its defense (a bit of a fanboy, you could say
). And in these debates I use to fair pretty well, IMO. I would walk away from each argument (whether it was about Jihad, an Islamic State, the Taliban, polygyny, the Hudud punishments, etc), satisfied that the "Deen" had prevailed once again. Until one day, someone began an argument with me over the marriage of Aisha, at 6 years of age, to Muhammad (when he was around 50)... Well, I had the usual arsenal of arguments ready to go (i.e. females were more "mature" in those days, Aisha NEVER said she regretted marrying our Rasool AND she benefitted Islam enormously! And of course, the last resort of the debating-scoundrel: ALL cultures, in EVERY land, use to marry their daughters off at such a young age, so what's the big deal! ... Note: as if THAT made it right for Muhammad to do it.)
Anyway, this person persisted in their arguments, till eventually I started becoming genuinely frustrated...
Something about this particular debate really bothered me, and at some point, I left the Study to play with my young children, one of whom is a girl around 7 years of age. It was then that it hit me like a ton of bricks: What if some old guy (pious though he might be), came up and asked me for HER hand in marriage? I looked at her, so delicate and tender in years... so innocent, with a smile that could melt any bitter old heart, and I realised the absolute DEPRAVITY of such a notion. I honestly thought to myself, "I'd KILL any man who'd DARE even ask such a thing!". The thought absolutely disgusted me.
It was then, that I felt for the very first time, a genuine dislike for this aspect of Muhammad's life. I even found myself WISHING that he hadn't married her at all, so that I could carry on defending "God's Religion" guilt free! I even secretly thought that it was WRONG of him (which for a Muslim, is nigh on impossible to admit). I didn't realise it then, but the cat was out of the bag. I stopped defending his marriage to Aisha, and removed myself from such debates altogether. I found I could not defend the indefensible. So I didn't.
After that, it was only a matter of time before "logic" came pounding on my mind's door. I started thinking, "If Muhammad's marriage to the young Aisha was morally wrong, then what ELSE - if anything - was wrong with Islam?" I then started to genuinely research the Deen, for the first time, using sources outside my usual repertoire (i.e. Atheists, Christians, Hindus, etc.) I wanted to see what others were saying about Islam... I knew the arguments FOR the religion, now I wanted to know the arguments against it, and the logic supporting them.
So I would take their arguments, and compare them to my "legitimate" sources for Islamic religious research, in order to "verify" what they were saying. (i.e. The Qur'an, the Sahih'ayn: Bukhari & Muslim, and of course the authoritative Fatwa & Religious Rulings website, Islamqa)
In particular, I researched the issues of sexual slavery, child marriage in general, and the treatment of a Muslim man's wife (e.g the Qur'anic permission to beat them, as a "last" resort)... Eventually it dawned on me that - aside from some fanatical overgeneralisations from certain overzealous ex-Muslims & atheists - it was all true! At one point, I actually sat down and thought to myself, "Oh my... to accept Islam IS to accept human sexual slavery, child marriage (to PRE-pubescent girls), and the permissiblity to beat one's wife...". I thought, "How could a religion which promotes these blatant human-rights abuses, be from 'God'? ... and an 'All-Merciful' God at that!"
It just could not be.
Finally, I came to the point which I had inevitably been rocketing towards: I was no longer a Muslim.
I'd become a kafir, a munafiq... a fully-fledged murtad (i.e. apostate). And the odd thing was, I didn't really feel that guilty about it. I mean, I'd "strayed" in the past, here and there (e.g. listening to music on occasion, leaving off the Sunnah (optional) prayers, etc), but when I did such things, I always felt terrible, almost paralysing, guilt... But this time, my conscience felt clear and - please excuse my "french" - I found Islam to be utter bullshit! A colossal slew of "laws" designed to deceptively reel people in with the purity of monotheism, but then which holds onto them through rank-fear and bodily threats (both real and imagined: i.e. "DEATH TO THE APOSTATE!")
As things stand, I am now no longer a Muslim, but I'm PROUD to be so. And I look forward to a day when I can be open about my newfound realisations (especially for my children's sake). A day when I can openly criticise Islam, without fear of physical retribution and retaliation, from brainwashed "born again" fundamentalists who genuinely believe that by beating up on an apostate, they'll gain some kind of heavenly reward.
Unfortunately though, I do not think that day will come anytime soon.
Sorry for the long introduction, but once I start writing, I sometimes find it hard to stop (Imagine how long it would have been if I'd told the full story!) Thank you, most sincerely, for creating this forum, which has enabled me to express my true, inner thoughts on this important subject. Muslim apostates NEED places like this, because we certainly can not express such thoughts in the "real" world.
Signed,
FREE AT LAST!
Topic: Hello one & all, from a former Muslim.