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Theme Changer

 Topic: The Wahhy Project

 (Read 54366 times)
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  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #90 - February 06, 2013, 11:37 PM
    Quote
    If you like Suratul Kawthar, you’ll LOVE Suratul Motor.


    LOL, Like the knock off perfumes at Walgreens, "if you love "Drakkar Noir", you'll love "Drunkards Bar"
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #91 - February 06, 2013, 11:40 PM

    Quote from: Mohammed Mohsin on February 06, 2013, 10:58 PM
    There's great potential in this. Satire exists among Atheists/Agnostics in the Christian and Jewish community, so why can't it exist amongst ex-Muslims making fun of Islam? The people on this thread are extremely talented Smiley

    Quote from: osmanthus on February 06, 2013, 11:33 PM
    Coz that would be racist and Islamophobic innit. Smiley


    LOL!!
    Tell the bird of superstitions not to speak
    The string of reasons will tie its beak
    Even if faith comes with water of the seven seas
    It'll evaporate on the griddle of wisdom with a shriek.

     - Josh Malihabadi
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #92 - February 06, 2013, 11:40 PM
    @ tabby, EXACTLY!! lol
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #93 - February 07, 2013, 03:08 AM
    Surah Al Feels. With commentary by Sheik Diem(Surah al Fil)

    A lamb! A calf! They are full of feel.     (God is extolling the magnificence of his most simple creatures. In addition, modern science tells us that animals are capable of feeling. This was already revealed to us before the scientists figured it out!)
    Lo! With nudging they turn into a big deal. (The Ulema have told us that this verse is packed with godly amounts of meaning. There are two key words here.
    1. Nudging,
    2. Deal
    First lets look in the great Al Lesson Al English, the great English language dictionary. The book tells us that nudging means to push, to push gently, to prod, to prod gently, to signal, to influence in a direction. The word deal has two meanings, first it refers to a transaction between two parties, and second it references something of importance. How do we interpret this? Well there are many meaningful ways to do so. The scientists have told us how hormones gently push an animal to grow larger into a big deal. This is wonderful, it fits perfectly with our wahhy! Second, another reading of the verse is that the hormones gently push the animal into becoming a big deal for his owner. As in, the owner can get a good deal by selling the animal. AMAZING. What a literary masterpiece. There is nothing that can compare.)

    Verily, only the ignorant question what the lord has sent down.
     (This is self explanatory. The lord sends down rain, and all his other blessings. Only the blind dont see what they are.)
    A curse is upon those who mix veal and cornmeal (The prophet did not like to mix veal and cornmeal, modern culinary research research done by master chef Maurice Cookaile shows us that mixing veal and cornmeal is bad for your health and tastes disgusting.)


    Any mistakes in this commentary are mine and mine alone and do not reflect my religion. What I mean to say is, if you catch any huge mistakes, I'll take it back to the drawing board and put together a new meaning since as you have already seen, each word has multiple meanings.
    Maliki yawm ul LULZ
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #94 - February 07, 2013, 04:08 AM
    Quote from: happymurtad on February 06, 2013, 10:33 PM
    Cheesy We just need an Abu Bakr and we can start our own empire!! lol Billy strikes me as the Abu Bakr type. Don't worry billy, I won't marry your kids.  Afro


     Cheesy
    I love this religion. Im an instant revert...reading suratalmotor brought me to tears.

    May i suggest pepe to fill in the role of khalid ibn walid. I mean this guy can turn a lion into a kitten. a wolf into a chihuahua, and a gorilla into a monkey with his bare hands.

    I was going to volunteer for the part of ali ibn talib but after i thought about it...  Cheesy ill pass as i will only let my wife suckle on my tongue.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #95 - February 07, 2013, 04:30 AM
    Quote
    suratalmotor brought me to tears.


    It's pretty sad that I am more moved by this Suratalmotor than anything I have read in the Quran in the past 17 years.  K-man, if you petition Jibreel correctly, you may get a custom made Surah too.  I have been mentioned twice now within these divine revelations!  Nothing beats the feeling of being singled out by Jibreel.  
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #96 - February 07, 2013, 05:32 AM
    tabularasa i seen that you were mentioned twice in divine revelation.

    That is a big accomplishment considering that miriam is the only woman mentioned in quraan by name.

    You must be the mother of the messiah.  Cheesy

    I have to learn from the prophet happymurtad how to petition jibreel correctly to recieve divine revelation  Wink
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #97 - February 07, 2013, 05:34 AM
    All hail tabularasa worship worship worship


    Quote from: Doubting Tomas on February 04, 2013, 11:44 PM
    It makes no difference wether or not you keep these verses to yourself or not, it's to late, God know's you've already thought them so you might as well get them out there and have a laugh.

    I like you Cheesy
    Quote from: ZooBear 

    • Surah Al-Fil: In an epic game of Angry Birds, Allah uses birds (that drop pebbles) to destroy an army riding elephants whose intentions were to destroy the Kaaba. No one has beaten the high score.

  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #98 - February 07, 2013, 11:36 AM
    Diem, you are the man  Afro
    "we can smell traitors and country haters"


    Quote from: arX on May 01, 2011, 03:33 AM
    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #99 - February 07, 2013, 12:33 PM
    Quote
    You must be the mother of the messiah.  


    Ha ha, I have no messianic hopes for my kids (unless there is such a thing as an agnostic messiah)...but I will say secretly, that I am grooming one of them specifically to turn out much like this young lady

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZvzB7zG_HM
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #100 - February 07, 2013, 05:08 PM
    SURATUL HIGH

     1.   QRS
    2.   HIJKL
    3.   Thus are revelations, full of wisdom, from one who is high as hell
    4.   Or do they say, “He is intoxicated” Say: “A few shots of patron and a joint never harmed anyone, but look into my eyes, they are not too red. Can ye not tell?”
    5.   Thus do those who disbelieve in the verses we have given thee reject thy prophetic mission
    6.   Alas, the messengers before you were all high, and thus did we give them vision.
    7.   From Noah to Abraham to Moses, and Joseph in the prison
    8.   Behold, to Abraham we gave LSD and he kept on getting higher.
    9.   When his people came to help him quit, he thought he was on fire!
    10.   But the flames could not consume him because the fire was not real
    11.   Thus did Abe stand there shouting “How cool does this shit feel!!”
    12.   So he killed a ram and cut his dick and wandered from town to town
    13.   And in the desert he built a windowless box, with a door six feet off the ground.
    14.   Yea, under the influence, seven times did he circle it round!
    15.   And to Moses we gave the weed and we taught him to burn the bush
    16.   For thy lord is the best supplier, yea, the best shit do we push!
    17.   And seas did split, and hands did glow, and his staff turned to a snake
    18.   Thus did we get him higher with each puff that he did take!
    19.   So have patiences, Oh Murtad, for the SWT loves not those who remain sober
    20.   Except those who have work or school, or who drive on roads and don’t want to get pulled over.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #101 - February 07, 2013, 05:56 PM
    Quote from: happymurtad on February 07, 2013, 05:08 PM
    SURATUL HIGH

     1.   QRS
    2.   HIJKL
    3.   Thus are revelations, full of wisdom, from one who is high as hell
    4.   Or do they say, “He is intoxicated” Say: “A few shots of patron and a joint never harmed anyone, but look into my eyes, they are not too red. Can ye not tell?”
    5.   Thus do those who disbelieve in the verses we have given thee reject thy prophetic mission
    6.   Alas, the messengers before you were all high, and thus did we give them vision.
    7.   From Noah to Abraham to Moses, and Joseph in the prison
    8.   Behold, to Abraham we gave LSD and he kept on getting higher.
    9.   When his people came to help him quit, he thought he was on fire!
    10.   But the flames could not consume him because the fire was not real
    11.   Thus did Abe stand there shouting “How cool does this shit feel!!”
    12.   So he killed a ram and cut his dick and wandered from town to town
    13.   And in the desert he built a windowless box, with a door six feet off the ground.
    14.   Yea, under the influence, seven times did he circle it round!
    15.   And to Moses we gave the weed and we taught him to burn the bush
    16.   For thy lord is the best supplier, yea, the best shit do we push!
    17.   And seas did split, and hands did glow, and his staff turned to a snake
    18.   Thus did we get him higher with each puff that he did take!
    19.   So have patients, Oh Murtad, for the SWT loves not those who remain sober
    20.   Except those who have work or school, or who drive on roads and don’t want to get pulled over.



    That was a masterpiece.
    LMAOOO i just laughed out loud at work..i hate you! xD
    too creative man (Y)
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #102 - February 08, 2013, 01:09 AM
    Jibreel warned me that the Big SWT may not have been in the right state of mind when passing this revelation on to me. But I am no one to question the Lord.

    Surat ul-Haram

    1.   Asalamalamadingdong
    2.   Its your boy the big SWT
    3.   Back with a new revelation, bitches
    4.   Oh murtads! What the muslims say is haram, is indeed perfectly lawful
    5.   So do not fear if ye wish to bone some hoes
    6.   Or if ye wish make love to your foes
    7.   Or if ye wish to consume some the finest whisky available
    8.   If the muslims witness ye haram actions and therefore cause ye trouble
    9.   Then say: “fuck the haram police”  
    10.   Then proceed to commit more haram in front of them, for that makes me crease
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #103 - February 08, 2013, 01:10 AM
    Jibreel also said it was best if I reveal a hadith to explain and apply context to the above verse, so here goes.

    Narrated Sabby: “Oh ummah, using the Buraq I travelled to the seventh heaven where the Big SWT lives. And I saw him boning the Goddess Venus, with several empty bottles of Jack Daniel’s Whisky on the floor. Praise be to thy drunken lord!”

    Sahih Murtad Diaries, Hadith Number 1
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #104 - February 08, 2013, 01:16 AM
    LMAO!!! Nice, sabby. I wonder if we can call our own Islam satire magazine, "Murtad Diaries"
    Tell the bird of superstitions not to speak
    The string of reasons will tie its beak
    Even if faith comes with water of the seven seas
    It'll evaporate on the griddle of wisdom with a shriek.

     - Josh Malihabadi
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #105 - February 08, 2013, 01:30 AM
    Haha, yeah why not. An Islamic satire magazine sounds like a great idea, but it'll probably cause outrage everywhere.

    Should be fun dance
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #106 - February 12, 2013, 03:02 AM
    This is the most hilarious stuff I've ever EVER read. OMG, can't breathe...
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #107 - February 12, 2013, 03:06 AM
    yeah we are wicked funny on this forum.  this is just the tip of the iceberg....
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #108 - February 12, 2013, 03:12 AM
    This thread has won the internet, as far as I am concerned!
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #109 - February 12, 2013, 03:16 AM
    I know...it deserves it's own special chapter in the annals of murtad infamy.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #110 - February 12, 2013, 05:37 PM
    Suratul Munafiqoon (The Hypocrites)

    1.   When the hypocrites join the forum they say “We bear witness that the CEMB forum is awesome.” And surely the SWT knows the forum is awesome; and the SWT bears witness that the hypocrites are lying.
    2.   Thus do they try to infiltrate the forum, and their purpose is only trolling and spying.
    3.   For of mankind there are those who say “We have apostatized,” while secretly they still believe.
    4.   They seek to deceive the SWT and the forum members, while it is only themselves that they deceive.
    5.   Yea, if they persist, a lifetime ban they shall receive!
    6.   Oh ye moderators, struggle hard against the hypocrites and ban them with a mighty banning!
    7.   Thus did they seek to infiltrate the meet-up you all were planning.
    8.   When Kutta did say to the apostates, “Listen up all you Murtad Bros and Chicks!”
    9.   I’d like to plan a meet up where we all can mingle and mix.
    10.   And lo, the hypocrite said “Do you mind if I bring a camera for taking pics?”
    11.   Nay, by your lord, had he tried something against you, you would have kicked his ass with mighty kicks!
    12.   Verily, the hypocrites shall receive the strongest banning, and their end shall not be funny
    13.   So befriend them not, oh  Murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny
    14.   It is the same if you seek forgiveness for them or if you do not seek forgiveness for them. (Even if) ye sought forgiveness for them seventy times, they would still be worthless scum!
    15.   Verily, the hypocrites shall be in the lowest levels of the internet, and shall be spit out like old gum!
    16.   So fear not, oh Murtads, for that hypocrite’s plan is toast
    17.   And continue to write threads on the forum, indeed, it is an awesome place to post.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #111 - February 12, 2013, 05:42 PM
     Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
    "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #112 - February 13, 2013, 01:17 AM
    Quote from: happymurtad on February 12, 2013, 05:37 PM
    Suratul Munafiqoon (The Hypocrites)

    1.   When the hypocrites join the forum they say “We bear witness that the CEMB forum is awesome.” And surely the SWT knows the forum is awesome; and the SWT bears witness that the hypocrites are lying.
    2.   Thus do they try to infiltrate the forum, and their purpose is only trolling and spying.
    3.   For of mankind there are those who say “We have apostatized,” while secretly they still believe.
    4.   They seek to deceive the SWT and the forum members, while it is only themselves that they deceive.
    5.   Yea, if they persist, a lifetime ban they shall receive!
    6.   Oh ye moderators, struggle hard against the hypocrites and ban them with a mighty banning!
    7.   Thus did they seek to infiltrate the meet-up you all were planning.
    8.   When Kutta did say to the apostates, “Listen up all you Murtad Bros and Chicks!”
    9.   I’d like to plan a meet up where we all can mingle and mix.
    10.   And lo, the hypocrite said “Do you mind if I bring a camera for taking pics?”
    11.   Nay, by your lord, had he tried something against you, you would have kicked his ass with mighty kicks!
    12.   Verily, the hypocrites shall receive the strongest banning, and their end shall not be funny
    13.   So befriend them not, oh  Murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny
    14.   It is the same if you seek forgiveness for them or if you do not seek forgiveness for them. (Even if) ye sought forgiveness for them seventy times, they would still be worthless scum!
    15.   Verily, the hypocrites shall be in the lowest levels of the internet, and shall be spit out like old gum!
    16.   So fear not, oh Murtads, for that hypocrite’s plan is toast
    17.   And continue to write threads on the forum, indeed, it is an awesome place to post.



    great one happymurtad Smiley
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #113 - February 13, 2013, 09:57 AM
    Quote from: happymurtad on February 12, 2013, 05:37 PM
    Suratul Munafiqoon (The Hypocrites)

    1.   When the hypocrites join the forum they say “We bear witness that the CEMB forum is awesome.” And surely the SWT knows the forum is awesome; and the SWT bears witness that the hypocrites are lying.
    2.   Thus do they try to infiltrate the forum, and their purpose is only trolling and spying.
    3.   For of mankind there are those who say “We have apostatized,” while secretly they still believe.
    4.   They seek to deceive the SWT and the forum members, while it is only themselves that they deceive.
    5.   Yea, if they persist, a lifetime ban they shall receive!
    6.   Oh ye moderators, struggle hard against the hypocrites and ban them with a mighty banning!
    7.   Thus did they seek to infiltrate the meet-up you all were planning.
    8.   When Kutta did say to the apostates, “Listen up all you Murtad Bros and Chicks!”
    9.   I’d like to plan a meet up where we all can mingle and mix.
    10.   And lo, the hypocrite said “Do you mind if I bring a camera for taking pics?”
    11.   Nay, by your lord, had he tried something against you, you would have kicked his ass with mighty kicks!
    12.   Verily, the hypocrites shall receive the strongest banning, and their end shall not be funny
    13.   So befriend them not, oh  Murtads, and give them neither parrot nor bunny
    14.   It is the same if you seek forgiveness for them or if you do not seek forgiveness for them. (Even if) ye sought forgiveness for them seventy times, they would still be worthless scum!
    15.   Verily, the hypocrites shall be in the lowest levels of the internet, and shall be spit out like old gum!
    16.   So fear not, oh Murtads, for that hypocrite’s plan is toast
    17.   And continue to write threads on the forum, indeed, it is an awesome place to post.



    Perfect Smiley
    He's no friend to the friendless
    And he's the mother of grief
    There's only sorrow for tomorrow
    Surely life is too brief
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #114 - February 16, 2013, 06:59 PM
    ^

    i wuz going to quote that but you beat me to it lol 





    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #115 - February 17, 2013, 06:37 AM
     Afro Afro

    Happy murtad u sir a legend !!
    Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. - Voltaire
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #116 - February 19, 2013, 11:55 PM
    Ok so I'm planning to collect the hadiths and compile them into one book.

    We need to preserve the sayings and teachings of Happy Murtad


    Since I started the collection we'll call it Sahih TDR

    Quote

    Narrated Abu Maskharah who said, I heard Ibn Abi ghabaa say, “The Messenger of Allah PBUH forbade us from seeking forgiveness on the forum. Someone said, ‘What if it is Hassan, oh messenger of Allah?’ He replied, ‘That’s cool.’”

    Sahih TDR Hadith # 1



    Sahih TDR
    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #117 - February 20, 2013, 01:07 AM
    Jibreel had this to say about Dawahman. I thought it was a little harsh, but JB assured me it was completely warranted. I also thought it sounded a little like Surat Ar-Rahman, but JB says that is purely coincidental.

    Surat Dawahman

    1. DawahMaan
    2. He shits in a can
    3. He does not have a plan
    4. His videos should be banned
    5.  He thinks there are miracles in the Qur’an
    7. And he sayeth “Bang Bang” and still thinks he’s so grand
    8. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    9. It is sad to think he’s his own biggest fan
    10. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    11. He doth  peddle his courses like a snake oil sales maaannn
    12. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    13. The kufi he wears is clearly secondhand
    14. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    15. He is as ignorant as an ostrich with his head in the sand
    16. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    17. The logic he doth use is tired and bland
    18. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    19. He degrades Richard Dawkins or at least thinks that he can
    20. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    23. He’s that sleazy grease ball that you really can’t stand
    24. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    25. He’s a certified boob with a mammary gland
    26. So what parts of science and reason can he not understand?
    27. Glory be to the SWT, The original Mac Daddy with the Master Plan







  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #118 - February 20, 2013, 02:29 AM
    Compile the teachings now please.  Let's not just sit around and memorize them now and then scratch them down on palm leaves and compile them 50 years or so after the fact.  We need to learn from history the mistakes of civilizations past.   Wink

    Oh and of course, let's ask Jibreel ahead of time for the holy order in which they are to be compiled once they are in the book, that can be a messy process too....
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
  • The Wahhy Project
     Reply #119 - February 20, 2013, 02:39 AM
    Quote
    Compile the teachings now please.



    Compile ?!?


    The revelations are nowhere near finished.... 
    In my opinion a life without curiosity is not a life worth living
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