The Wahhy Project
Reply #180 - January 04, 2014, 05:58 PM
Murtad directed me to this thread today. It is hilarious. I had a similar email exchange a few years ago with a group of ex-Muslim friends some time ago. I have shared below one of my "wahhy" along with my friend's "tafseer" of it [[which is between the brackets]]. I also removed my name and put in "Ex-Salafy". :
- K,J,Y,R,L,J (These letters are mysterious and none knows their meaning save Allah)
[[[This means that Allah is super wise, so be mystified and awed!]]]
- They ask you (O Ex-Salafy, peace and blessings be upon him) about the revelation
[[This means people will say “whatchu talkin’ about?”]]
- Say: The revelation is but a sign and they should continue (to believe)
[[If they don’t, then it won’t be a sign]]
(They will) soon come to know
- Nay, (they will) soon come to know
[[Some scholars say “soon” means within 10 minutes, but the majority of the ulemaa agree that “soon” is on Allah’s time, whose time is not like our own, and that it refers to sometime in the distant or near future and we don’t know when it will happen so stop thinking about it unless you are thinking about it to inculcate fear of hell in yourself and Allah knows best]]
- do they not see
- the angels have grown the crops (by Allah's permission)
- and caused the wind to come
[[The scholars say that this verse is allegorical. Praise him, the best explanation for this comes from the hadith of Rasulallah, Ex-Salafy, peace be upon him, as recorded by ad-Dorothy in the Golden Collection. Narrated Rose, who narrated from Blanche, who narrated from Sophia, who narrated from Hazrat Jason, who said, “Verily I heard the messenger of allah, Ex-Salafy, peace be upon him, say: Indeed, for the angels of allah farm souls and reap ajr when a believer does recite surat al New York 3 times and surat al Pennsylvania 7 times before he partakes of the sleep. Verily, these two suras together are as one who recites the entire book 100 times.”]]
- and they (the disbelievers) disbelieved our signs
- and we will give them a (boiling) drink
- in the crushing fire
- and a cup full (of thorns)
- a just reward from your Lord
[[Verily the lord is so totally merciful, and you must be totally totally in awe of his mercy]]
- and as for those who believe
- they shall have a cup full (of Budweiser)
[[This has been a matter of extensive debate amongst the ulemaa. By the consensus of the scholars, it is known that the heavenly cups will be filled not only with Budweiser, but Bud Light, Budweiser Select, Bud Extra, Bud Light Lime, and Bud Light Golden Wheat. The majority of the ulemaa are in agreement that other brands of Anheuser-Busch beers such as Michelob, Rolling Rock, and King Cobra will also be available. However, there is still extensive debate and research over the matter of whether or not Allah, in his absolute clarity in this, the kitab al mubeen, meant Budweiser in a generic sense – as the schools of Imam al Dawkins and Imam al Dennet say – or if he meant to refer specifically to Bud brands and perhaps the Anheuser-Busch family of beers, as the schools of Imam al Hitchens, Imam al Harris and Imama Murray O’Hair contend. For the average believer, it is enough to know that his eternity shall be filled with golden lager, and that he may have it served chilled – which is the sunnah – or warm.]]
- and (they will) be given strip clubs in heaven
[[Verily, this religion doth give a place of dignity to women, and this verse illustrates that women shall receive rewards in Jannah. Praise him!!!!]]
- and casinos made of gold
[[Returning to the matter of debate, as to which type of casino and what sort of amusements will be present therein has been a matter of dispute. The hadith of Ex-Salafy, peace be upon him, in the collection of as-Spock, as narrated by Hazrata Barb states that the casinos shall have coin slots ranging from 1 cent to $1 slots. However, in the hadith in the collection of al-Bugs, there is the hadith, narrated by Hazrat Rob, which states (in part) that “… and among the rows shall be tables of roulette and blackjack… and therein you may also find craps and poker… and yet those who died aged amongst you may find their respite at the one armed bandit.” Although this hadith is rated hasan, versus sahih, it has been given a great weight by many of the prominent ulemaa. And allah knows best.]]
- with full breasted serving maidens (serving the drinks)
[[Verily, no religion gives more to women than this one.]]
- a just reward from your Lord
- And how disbelievers have we destroyed? Can you (O Ex-Salafy, peace and blessings be upon him) see them today?
- So believe in me and associate none and you will be given (paradise)
Topic: The Wahhy Project