It may seem weird, but I consider myself as an "ex future convert" since I almost converted to islam. So I will tell you my almost-conversion story and how I escaped it and finally didn't convert
So first of all I was born in a non-practicing christian family and I am a French speaker canadian (yes, I live in the province of Quebec). I am 17 and I spent most of my life in the countryside, where there was no mosque and no muslims. Actually, there were only white French speaking people and you would only see two or three immigrants/adopted children. It was not multicultural at all. When I was 14 I moved to Montreal to live with the aunt of my mother and her husband, who are practicing christians (evangelists and protestants). When I arrived to Montreal I was surprized to see so much immigrants of all possible ethnic and religious backgrounds, including hindus, sikhs, muslims, etc. However I was not so much interested into religions, I was strongly agnostic and thought that if God existed, he would do whatever he want with me so I wasn't trying to change my destiny.
Now, how I came to know islam... it always feels strange when I talk about it because
when I was 16, I made two dreams which marked me. I received, in those dreams, what my muslim contacts would call "signs from God" or "clear proofs of the varacity of islam" The first dream was that I saw my mother (non-practicing christian) on the ground while I was sat on a chair. My mother seemed to suffer and was somehow being "aspirated" by the floor. She burned me with a lighter and screamed to me "C'EST LE NUMÉRO 171 !" (English : "This is the number 171 !"). I'll come back to this dream later on.
In the second dream, I was walking slowly and hesitantly in direction of a fire, searching for someone without being sure who I was searching for. I saw a guy running out of this fire, a guy whom I didn't know. The guy passed in front of me, turned back, made a step in my direction, took my hand and told me to follow him. I refused with hesitation, he pulled me softly, I took off my hand from his hand. I then looked at him and I wanted to say his name. The strange thing is that in my dream I somehow
knew him, without knowing him in reality... I finally woke up before I could say his name because I realized that I didn't know it.
A few weeks after those two dreams, I was in an internet francophone website, a kind of 3D tchat.
Something was telling me that I
HAD TO meet or meet back someone on that website, that this "someone" would change my way of thinking and that this "someone" would be 14 years old (I was 16). It was what you could call a feeling, a presentiment, a strong and deep impression. I "knew" I would meet or meet again that person even though I refused to admit it to myself, because it seemed too weird...
December 2011, I met (or rather met back) that person on that website. He was indeed 14, and I knew him by reputation since I frequented that website for years and that he was well known for being an annoying person, someone who would do anything to upset the moderators, etc. Anyways, we began to talk together everyday (for me he was not annoying
). He began to talk to me about Islam, I asked a few questions to see if it was any different from Christianity and he explained me the basis. When I saw a few pictures of him, something struck me :
he looked exactly like that guy in my dream who was running out of the fire ...Days and weeks passed by, we became closer, and he confessed to me that he had been a sorcerer/wizard, that this practice is forbidden in Islam and that one day when he wanted to move away from that, the first thing that came out of his mouth was "God convert me to Islam" (he is born in a muslim family but was not a practicing muslim). I was shocked... I couldn't help but making links with my second dream : the guy that I knew but didn't knew was him (and I, in fact, knew him by name and reputation without knowing him in reality), he was in the fire because he was a sorcerer and he ran out of it because he came to Islam, he then took my hand to invite me to Islam... etc.
Now I come back to my first dream. As I made searches about Islam throughout the year 2012, I came across many, many youtube videos of converts, videos about the quran and so on. One of those videos shown me the verse 4:171 of the quran.
O People of the Scripture, do not commit excess in your religion or say about Allah except the truth. The Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary, was but a messenger of Allah and His word which He directed to Mary and a soul [created at a command] from Him. So believe in Allah and His messengers. And do not say, "Three"; desist - it is better for you. Indeed, Allah is but one God. Exalted is He above having a son. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs.
I cried. I remembered my dream, my christian mother screaming "c'est le numéro 171" (this is the number 171). I noticed my mother has said four words, followed by the number 171. 4:171. This verse was talking directly to Christians, like my mother. This verse was telling my mother that she'd go to hell, and in fact in my first dream it seemed like it. She transmitted me her religion, just as in my dream she transmitted me the fire of the lighter...
We will show them Our signs in the horizons and within themselves until it becomes clear to them that it is the truth. But is it not sufficient concerning your Lord that He is, over all things, a Witness?
When I saw this verse during my research about Islam, it was too much for me... I began to think that if I was not willing to accept any religion, not even Islam, something was probably wrong with me. Was it the devil tricking me? Was it because I deserved to go to hell anyway? Was it because I was arrogant towards God? I continued my research... why wasn't I becoming a muslim yet? Was it because I feared the reaction of my christian family? Was it because I would have to change my name? (Not that I thought every convert must change his/her name... but in my case my name is actually blasphemous, and I saw that a muslim can't have a blasphemous name. My name is Jézabel, (French version of Jezebel) and according to some christian sites it means "Baal is the god"... quite ironic since I was baptized Catholic
)
Anyways... I stayed like that for a certain time, considering myself a "probably future convert", a "refouled muslima", etc. If I was to convert, I wanted to change my name first, which would take time. I also had many muslim contacts which would push me harder into the deen, and people like Zakir Naik or Yusuf Estes were almost my heros, and just to convince myself (or to self-indoctrinate myself, should I say), I would watch things like The Signs, islamic lectures etc. For the sake of objectivity, I would also go to some atheist or anti-islamic sites, but I would either get frustrated by the arguments, ignore them or search a refutation on an islamic website. It lasted until a month ago, when I saw a French translation of the video "Three stages of jihad" by David Wood which you can easily find on youtube. This was the final shot. I couldn't refute that. It seemed so logic, true and obvious, even though I didn't take it as being The Truth, but rather as being a clarification to why is Islam so different in the East and in the West. I couldn't accept anymore the western islamic propaganda "islam religion-of-peace". I also began to read the quran in French without considering right away that it is God's words, and the most I read it, the most I realize it CAN'T be God's words. God couldn't hate jews when he supposedly chose them. God couldn't hate all non-muslims and call them liars, criminals, unjust, perverts and, most of all, he couldn't dehumanize non-muslims by saying that they are worse then livestock (quran 7:179). The islamic conception of God doesn't correspond to a "Most Merciful" god.
Now, I'm kind of alternatively atheist/deist, but I wouldn't call myself an agnostic since it depends on the definition of "god" rather than on the wondering if god(s) exist or not. But most of the time, if asking my beliefs I just answer that I'm a Human Being, that all humans are my brothers and sisters in Humanity and that those religious labels are just a way to divide each others.
I think I have been saved from Islam just at the right time, because I was beginning to think like a muslim and I was thinking to convert just so I could share my conversion story and the "signs of God" that I received
I must admit that if sometimes I slightly doubt my non-faith, it's because of those dreams I made and the experience I had with the guy who introduced me to Islam. The fact that I "knew" I "had to" meet him again. The fact that those dreams made some kind of sense to me after connecting them to Islam, the fact that in a dream I saw the muslim guy running out of the fire as in reality he was a sorcerer, the fact that I was hesitantly walking in the fire when he pulled me in the other direction (which I associated with Islam), etc.
It would be appreciated if you could bring rational arguments against that.
I know islamic rules, dogmas and rituals make no sense, I'm slowly healing myself from that religious illness, and I've always been an intelligent girl, but it's still a bit hard to get rid of this "signs of God" thing.
(and sorry for the extreme length of my post)