Self Esteem, Anger, Frustration, Trying To Work Through It.
OP - February 12, 2013, 03:06 AM
Hey guys. If you have any self image issues, please read on. If you do not, warning: you will get bored : P
I wasn’t really going to write this thread, but a few posts around here kinda kept shouting at me. It’s a bit personal, but at the same time, I think there might be something on offer to those who sound like they are going through something similar. Before I go on, I want to admit that I am not writing a solution to anything - in fact I am still trying to figure out how to deal with what I’ve discovered, but hopefully my process can be used by others.
A brief background: I see myself as a generally happy person, lucky too in terms of financial stability and security. My low points are usually caused by others, as in parents banning me from doing things I like, authority in my way, etc. My lowest points were being suicidal because I forgot that I have a whole free future ahead of me, and I was consumed by the immediate restrictions and felt as though it’d always be that way. I bounce back fairly quickly though.
Lately, I have been feeling very low, even by my own standards. I could never figure out why, only that I was frustrated as hell, and things that shouldn’t bother me were making steam come out of my ears. I yelled in response to anything my mum said and felt agitated and cross all the damn time.
It’s just been too long and I was getting fed up with my unexplained anger. So I went back to diary writing. I have three diaries; in them I write short stories, poems and random thoughts.
Firstly, I have avoided writing online for a reason – one that I am sure is true: When you write online (including FB statuses, blog posts, w/e..) you imagine some kind of audience, and your mind kind of curbs your potential for full truth because of certain considerations. I am sure this is true for me – you might be different though. Writing in a diary, private, scribbly writing – it allows for a better shot at the full truth. It also allows you to be brutal on what you know your flaws are. I think we forget that we still have private areas that no one can see because of how public the world is right now.
The first thing I tackled was what makes me the angriest. Easy: My mum. There isn’t really a solution to this. I see her as a tribalistic failed parent, who tries to inflict her culture and tribalism and failed ways on her children and whoever else will listen. Anyone who objects to her ways is instantly labelled as “rebelling against God”, because in her mind, God is an Iraqi nationalist, a racist and hates anything that my mum hates.
Other things that I came up with are fairly obvious in my mind and mainly involved those who (again) got in my way when I wanted to do what I like and reach my potential - including Islam and Muslims.
It didn’t really explain my frustration though, so I wrote harder and more harshly. I started thinking about my recent thought patterns and interests. I don’t feel the need to say what they are – but what I did regarding those things is important to mention.
I became compulsively obsessed with a few topics in particular. I didn’t even notice this until I started writing about my recent google searches. I would be googling these topics whenever I could, and reading more results on my phone until I fell asleep. These topics also frustrated me, and I was judgmental and on a high horse as I was reading.
What interested me was why I was engrossed in these topics in particular. What did they have to do with me? One of them was so absurd, as it doesn’t even exist in Australia, yet I couldn’t stop searching it.
I ended up realising that all my new interests had something in common: unrestricted freedom. The reason I chose those in particular – well, I’m not sure, but I guess they represented the ideal type of freedom that interested me. Just to give you a general idea of what I was googling: different school systems, fashion, social science, public holidays from around the world, and other really randomly weird things.
After seeing images, watching videos and reading about these things, I would snap back into my reality and how far it was from everything I was immersed in online and in my mind. That was the key to my frustration. The amount of freedom and possibility out there, the stuff that I was seeing, the fact that I could form an opinion on things yet am not even close to achieving them.
The other thing was that I am alone in these feelings. Everyone around me seems content with the way things are, and here I am, squirming and itching to be somewhere else, with different people doing different things.
The negatives of this realisation:
1. It was a huge blow to my self esteem. An example is browsing a site with very elegant dresses. My mind tells me that I would look awesome in them. The reality is that I haven’t even moved away from home yet, I still wear hijab, and everyone around me knows and accepts this and I have only just realised it. The fact that I am thinking about dresses is laughable. That really hurts.
2. It made me feel the need to lie (to my parents, to friends, to all those that I cared about – all because my interests suddenly don’t match the reality of what everyone else accepts). Lying hurts.
3. Too much of a gap between reality and the unlimited freedom in my mind. Eg. I forget that I can’t even do certain basics, yet I want to fly before I can walk. This hurts.
4. Sudden bursts of anger or prolonged frustration at the fact that others around me aren’t having the problems I am over trivial stuff. Eg. Sitting with my family in public, mum telling me “your neck is showing” and burning tears of hurt filling my eyes at the realisation that people around me are in shorts – not a care in the world - and my mum is telling me my hijab has moved slightly out of place, as if I gave every guy in the room a boner because of my stunning neck *rolls eyes*. It hurts and ruins my mood and I have no explanation for those that matter.
5. Avoiding certain situations – realising that I may have to explain family, culture, religion to those who don’t understand and might judge me, causing me to avoid situations altogether, missing on possible friendships and so on because of fear or rejection.
6. The fact that I go through all this to keep my parents happy – thinking of them, but knowing that they don’t consider anything but their culture, at my happiness’ expense.
7. Losing motivation to do things for myself (the biggest blow of all). Eg. Doctor telling me I need to strengthen my stomach muscles and recommending swimming, and dad objecting because of mixed pools, making his own suggestions. So disheartening.
While there are many negatives that I was able to articulate through writing, I also realised some positives that have got me through so far. I am happy to be a generally sociable person, have worked hard, going into a career I love and so on. No one can take these away from me, but there has been a sudden spark to just go go go go and it is enclosed in my head.
What I am doing now: making a realistic list of what I truly want. Making sure to list and accept the things that cannot be changed and remain as realistic as possible, but stay ambitious and avoid the controllable negatives that I mentioned above.
Even though I am going through this process, it has not stopped the nasty face of my anger from popping up, but it is a relief to know what I know now and there is only more to learn.
Reading through some people’s stuff, I feel like there are some commonalities, even though the details may be different.
If you have anything to add, notice any inconsistencies, have any better explanation, whatever, please go ahead =]
Thanks for reading, if you haven’t fallen asleep yet xD
- Surah Al-Fil: In an epic game of Angry Birds, Allah uses birds (that drop pebbles) to destroy an army riding elephants whose intentions were to destroy the Kaaba. No one has beaten the high score.
Topic: Self Esteem, Anger, Frustration, Trying To Work Through It.