Hello everyone. I’m new to this forum though I have been aware of it for some time. It looks like it is a bit of a tradition here to write something when you become a member so here goes (I apologise in advance about the length but I will try to keep it interesting):
First of all, I am a 30 year old professional living in Cardiff and would be interested in meeting like-minded people also living in Cardiff. As others have said, it’s a lonely world being born into a muslim family and not believing.
I don’t think I have ever really been a muslim (though I was born into a muslim family in Bradford). I might have thought there was a god as a youngster but only because I was told so by adults. As long as I have been able to think independently I can’t recall seriously believing in God. In fact, from the age of about 12 I remember I used to be puzzled about how Jesus is mentioned in both Christianity and Islam. It seemed to me that one religion must be copying the other. Therefore the religion that came first must be the correct one. When I found out that Islam came later I was somewhat confused (I guess I had just assumed that Islam must have come first since I was being taught that Islam was the true religion). I just let the matter drop assuming I hadn’t understood things properly.
To this day I have never read the Qur’an in original Arabic (though I have read various translations several times). I got partway though it at times as a child but I just couldn’t finish it. I didn’t pray much either and when I did it was only because I was told to do so. In fact it’s been so many years since I prayed or read the Qur’an that I can’t even remember how to pray (and I certainly can’t read Qur’anic Arabic anymore).
All my family are religious but my younger brother is extremely religious - he travels to all sorts of Islamic events, sits with prominent sheikhs and can’t seem to go more than a few sentences without an “Insha’Allah” or some other related remark.
It’s sad that one can become distanced from his/her family because of religion. I just can’t be asked to visit my family because every time I go I feel awkward that if I see relatives they will ask which mosque I went to for Eid namaz (prayer) or why wasn’t I at jumma (Friday prayer) or a whole host of other things. I feel like a total outcast. I think someone on another post used the word ‘suffocating’. That’s spot on.
Here are two examples of situations that I found myself in:
(i) I somehow got into a discussion about science with my two brothers two years ago. My younger brother (the super religious one) said something about how biologists can’t be trusted. I said of course they can be trusted. They are proper scientists who follow a rigorous methodology and their work is critically analysed by their peers... etc. Somehow this got onto the topic of biological evolution (you know where this is going). My older brother said words to the effect, “Darwin was a racist who saw some birds with curved beaks and decided they must have evolved so they could get the hard-to-reach food in the crevice!” I told him that was nonsense. I started explaining about all the other evidence Darwin gave (I’m quite well read on evolution) but before I got properly going my younger brother blurted out in astonishment, “Wait a minute! Are you saying you believe in evolution?!” Boy things got awkward after that (mental note: never bring up science with the family again).
(ii) I went on holiday with my younger brother and a few friends several years ago. At one point they all got down to pray except me. They didn’t say anything to me and were totally cool towards me (no dodgy looks etc) but imagine how awkward I felt being the only one who didn’t pray (mental note: never go on holiday with muslims again).
The truth is I have to be a totally fake person around family/friends. I can’t say things I want to say or do things I want to do. I’m thoroughly unhappy when I’m in Bradford. I just end up staying in my room upstairs and mess around on my netbook or I’ll read a book. My mother gets frustrated and asks me to come downstairs and sit with the family (which I don’t).
I just don’t know how to tell them. I think my younger brother, since he is so religious, would be disgusted with me and may well not speak to me again. I think my older brother (who I get on best with) is the most understanding and may still speak to me. My mother simply wouldn’t accept my position and think I have been influenced by goray (whites) in Cardiff. I have tried explaining to her very gently several times over the years with words such as, “I’m different to the rest of the family” but she just snaps at me with things like, “What are you saying? Would you rather be a gorah (white person)?” I have reached the end of my tether and am seriously considering just telling them. I have planned for a very long time now to minimise my communication with the family to the occasional hi/bye. Every year that passes I visit Bradford for shorter and shorter periods (quite intentionally). But every time I try to reduce contact something happens to mess up my plan. Someone dies or someone is getting married so I have to come and visit or it will be very embarrassing for the family. So I am forced to come back even though I don’t want to. Last year I decided that enough is enough and I simply wouldn’t come back for ‘events’ from now on. Then last year my older brother’s nikah (wedding vows) was announced. Although I felt bad I decided not to attend. There will always be something or other that comes up. It never ends. My mother slammed the phone down on me when I told her and I haven’t spoke to her since. In fairness she has tried to contact me several times but I am so angry with her I have refused to answer. I felt very bad for my older brother (he is my favourite person in the whole world) so I bought him a super nice present in December (Samsung Galaxy Tab2 10.1 inch tablet – he loved it). His walima (wedding banquet) recently happened. Again, I didn’t attend. He spoke to me on Skype several times even though he knew I wouldn’t be attending so I hope he has overlooked this. My younger brother’s first child is due in May and they’ll want me to attend. You see? Something always comes up. Here I am trying to reduce my contact with Bradford but it’s impossible.
I think someone said it best on one of the posts: ‘I feel like being born into a Muslim family has permanently ruined my life.’
Note if the above seems somehow incomplete it's because I deleted the first half of the post - the whole thing would have been too long. It was the reason I left Bradford in the first place (bad relation with my father).
Anyway, I hope if there is anyone from Cardiff they will give me a shout
Topic: Hello from Cardiff