I wrote this to someone on another forum who had rock bottom self esteem, and I know there was another guy (I think passing around) here who wrote about it recently but I can't remember where the post is. Anyway hope he reads this...
You have good qualities. You have bad ones. You can be a sweetheart sometimes, and you can be a bitch. And everything in between. I've began to like my 'playful dick' side, as much as my 'contemplative, value orientated' side.
What do you like about yourself? Do you like that you can laugh? Do you like that you can sleep? Do you like your taste in music? Do you like your taste in films? It doesn't matter if anyone else will validate these likes - do you like them?
It will feel uncomfortable at first to appreciate yourself, but that's because habits always feel comfortable to adhere to... Ask any addict. Even soul destroying addictions feel more comfortable and familiar than living a better life without the addiction. If you are used to hating yourself, then feelings of self love will take you out of your comfort zone.
This may be too philosophical but there is no logical reason for a foundational value-judgement, David Hume showed that in regards to meta-ethics. Your assessment of your intrinsic worth doesn't have any logical foundation, it's based on a literally arbitrary standard that can be changed.
Basically the reason why you feel bad is due to a habit (I'm not implying it's conscious, or wasn't influenced by others) of self-talk, and physiology.
One big truth is that human beings are bad at self assessment, we need other people to see ourselves accurately because it's easy for us to get caught up in (positive or negative) confirmation bias. We are social mammals we haven't evolved to isolate ourselves physically or psychologically. That's one reason why (talk or somatic) therapy can be helpful.
I used to have rock bottom self esteem too, then it was just low for a long time, and now it's growing significantly. Along the way I've ended bullying friendships, and began to get a 'voice' for myself. I laughed in the mirror the other day when I realized that I could say with a full heart that I genuinely liked myself.
I highly, highly recommend the book self-compassion by Kristen Neff and Instant confidence by Paul Mckenna (don't let the title put you off). There are great books containing a lot of practical advise that's simplified from a lot of different sources. I've read quite a few self help books and they are amongst the amongst the most practical.
A big part of developing self love is through positive self talk. Talk to yourself how a loyal, compassionate, encouraging friend would. Try talking to yourself kindly and with encouragement in the mirror for 5 minutes a day for 8 weeks, after 2 weeks you'll feel a 'stirring' and by 6-8 weeks you'll see a 'shift'.
I had to stop doing self-talk, to concentrate on practices to alleviate anxiety (I had a lot of shit happen over the past 7 months), but when I did self talk practices for 6 weeks I experienced a shift. And now I'm back doing it and feel like I've picked up from where I've left off.
If you are more interested in the physiology route, I highly recommend books by David Berceli (he gives very simple but powerful exercises), Peter Levine, and Alexander Lowen.
Hope you have kick ass life that inspires others to have the same.
Forgot to add, I agree with Kristen Neff. There's 2 core aspects to self love - self-compassion and self-appreciation.
Some people can appreciate themselves (I capable of this, that, etc) whilst being self critical (when the make a mistake they curse at themselves). And others can be compassionate (It's ok to make a mistake human beings do) without generating a sense of 'liking' themselves (I like that I put effort into X, I like my taste in music).
Was just something important that I've seen in myself and others.
Topic: What I'm learning about self love