A mind of war.

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- omn
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A mind of war.
OP - April 27, 2013, 07:49 AM

Hi everyone
Im a muslim lady im married to a muslim man and have two muslim children. We have a good life and i can say with firm belief i believe in God.

So why am i here whats my point you may ask. My heart bleeds and my mind is so confused. I dont 100% believe quran is from God. Im a person who converted to islam about four years ago. Ive studied islam ever since and the more i study the more i disbelieve. Ive looked into other religions and come to the same conclusion. This conclusion scares me to know there is no true religion even though i know God is there in yet none of this religion stuff is full truth word of God.

So i struggle on daily. My first problem is i cant leave islam if i do my husband will leave me ill have no home and my kids will be dadless. Plus i love my husband very much. Not to mention all the people i know are muslim.

My second problem is that im still clinging on to islam. I pray not all my prayers but most but before i would never miss a prayer. People are noticing my faith is weak and it scares me and it scares me because deep down i dont think i believe anymore. I try hard to make myself believe i hate myself for studying quran and hadieth why cant i be like most muslims just carry on without caring who God really is. Now i know the truth how can i go back. I go in the garden without hijab i stopped reading quran and teaching my children ive stopped tajweed my prayers are suffering. I cant talk about the prophets.

I dont know what i believe anymore. It hurts me and those i know. Can i really live my life as a muslim pretending i beleive in every word. How will i ever know who God is? Whats my purpose. Im dying inside but clinging to islam to save myself and my family from my apostate.

Please help me even if i decide not to be muslim i will still have to spend.the rest of my life pretending i am. I believe in God. Is there a middle path.

Please can someone help me x
- Minimow
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A mind of war.
Reply #1 - April 27, 2013, 08:48 AM

I'm the last person to give any meaningful advice here. I can't imagine what it is like to risk losing your beloved husband and children because of things completely out of your control. You can't decide what to sincerely believe in or not. And of course that would show in your behavior. That's only human. You can't pray to a god you don't believe in anymore, nor can you teach your children what you now think of as falsehood.

What I'm trying to say is, that nothing of this is your fault. For all the emotional struggles you're having, the emotion you can quickly rid yourself of is guilt.

As to whether you should pretend to be a Muslim or tell your family the truth, or finding a middle path, I can't really say anything there. That I would leave to the other guys here, whose advice is more trustworthy.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
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Reply #2 - April 27, 2013, 10:26 AM

Welcome to the forum omn!

Almost every ex-muslim here has had similar thoughts and dilemmas about their faith at some point. So I hope you don't feel alone and hopeless.

All these thoughts can be overwhelming, I understand, but it helps to take a step back, and tackle one issue at a time.

Not everyone here is an atheist. There are those who still believe in God or some form of higher power, even if they have realised that religion is man made. Don't feel pressured to choose a belief system or try to put a label on it. Let your spiritual path decide itself as you learn more about various faiths and become comfortable with discovering your new thoughts and ideas. There are many personal stories here that can help you.

As for your family, it sounds like at the moment things are stable so maybe it's best not to rock the boat for now. Some members here have chosen to keep the peace and not reveal their lack of faith etc. at least until their children are grown up.

I have never been muslim, but I used to be a Christian, and I understand to some extent how difficult it is to keep up an appearance when you no longer believe. Praying and other things become very hard and sometimes you feel like you just want to burst out and tell everyone what is on your mind.

There are other more knowledgeable members here who can give you better advice, but stay positive and what you are going through is normal. I'm sure you will find a solution in time - a way to compromise both sides in a way that satisfies you and doesn't arouse unnecessary suspicion from other people.

May I ask if you live in a secular country?
- Al-Alethia
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Reply #3 - April 27, 2013, 11:58 AM

Welcome to the forums omn

I'm in the closet to my family and it was very difficult and a source of constant anxiety and emotional turmoil for me at first but I gradually got used to it. Mind you, I'm eighteen and living at home so my situation is very different from yours. All I have to do is pretend-pray every now and then and keep my mouth shout about my non-belief and tbh not much has changed; I mean a lot has changed since my apostasy because I've grown and life has changed but my apostasy hasn't changed my relationship with my family because I don't allow it to be an issue.

How to deal with this and perhaps broach the subject with your family really depends on them and how religious or open-minded they are. Some members here are closeted, others are open to their families about their beliefs, some have been disowned by their families and others still manage to maintain relationships with them. There is no single approach that will work for everyone so it really depends on your situation, your family and what you're comfortable with. You might have to make some tough decisions and compromises or it might not be as bad as you've anticipated.

Some members here are in a similar situation to you, i.e., married to a Muslim with whom they have children so I hope they can chime in and give you useful advice.
- billy
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Reply #4 - April 27, 2013, 12:12 PM

Welcome to the forum Omn

Is there a middle path? Yes, but its not easy to find and its not easy to tread down when you feel trapped by your circumstances and by the pretence of believing for the outside world.

What we can say is that you have found in this forum a space where you will not be judged, where people understand what you are going through, and where you are safe to express your thoughts. This can help to untangle some of the knots you feel inside your heart. We're really glad you found us.

"we can smell traitors and country haters"

Quote from: arX on May 01, 2011, 03:33 AM
God is Love.
Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.
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Reply #5 - April 27, 2013, 01:13 PM

Salaam omn,

I can definitely relate to everything you've said. I was in a very similar situation myself a few years ago. While I won't recount my entire story (you are welcome to look back over my earlier posts where I have), I can relate to the feelings of despair and confusion when you start to realize that religions, Islam included, are not divine.

The best advice I can give you is to open your mind to all possibilities, research without bias or fear, and make your own conclusions about the universe and our place therein based on the evidence you find.

It was scary for me, once a sincere man of faith, to question things. But I can honestly tell you that I have never been more at peace with my self and the world than I am now that I do not believe in any religion. It has been simultaneously the most humbling and liberating conclusion I have ever reached.

In the mean time, like billy said, this forum is the perfect place for you to discuss, debate, explore, and bond with people who really have been through similar things along this common journey of ours. The help and support that I have personally gained from this place is immense. I hope that holds true for you too.
- The Defiant
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Reply #6 - April 27, 2013, 10:48 PM

Welcome sister,
My heart goes out to you, I feel your pain/mental anguish. By being married with children to a muslimah but lacking any real faith, I too share similarities with your situation.
Firstly to reiterate an earlier point one of our members made, your situation sounds stable so don't rock the boat. What I would add to this point is, don't do anything rash, you love your husband and you have children together so for me at least in this situation, I would advice that you bide your time, especially when there's children involved, it's a waiting game. Imho I think it's best that you at least wait till they're at an age where they can understand the concept of one's faith or lack of it but more importantly that you've spent enough time with them that they hopefully grow to bond and love you unconditionally, so picking faith over one parent or another isn't even an issue. All this said, you may find that because your otherwise happy in your set up that it would be more damaging than good to ever openly apostate and this is always an option too.
I for the moment am keeping a lid on my beliefs and I do understand how frustrating it is, there are plenty of times when I feel like telling others to f**k off and mind their own business regarding what I should or should not have to believe. Fortunately most of the time I don't live in a particularly rigid islamic lifestyle(except when we visit the inlaws) so I can only imagine what that would be like full time, don't think I could do it.
I'm a convert myself, do you mind me asking if the main reason you converted was for marriage or did you have an interest in the religion even before you got married. My own conversion was for purposes of marriage and to be honest I held a sort of fear and mistrust of Islam before this which come to think of it hasn't changed all that much even after the conversion.
So for the moment if your getting fed up of your faith then I suggest you do the bare minimum, just enough to keep up appearances and keep others off your back until you've had time to think more clearly what your next move, if any will be. Also time spent on this forum may help you develop new ideas and coping mechanisms with the oppressive system you live under. I find even just writing on this forum about the odd frustrating moment and getting it of my chest is enough to make me feel a bit better.
- omn
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Reply #7 - April 29, 2013, 08:46 PM

Hi guys,

thank you all so much for your replies, im sorry i just poured my heart out like this, that's not usually me but to be honest i have no one to talk to except complete strangers, how crazy is that when the people i love most just judge me on my faith in Islam. The worst thing is sometimes i actually have doubts if im the crazy one? It seems like no one can see the truth except me? My hubby who is super intelligent and me who left high schools with barely any gcses and then you seem multitudes of people all believing in this stuff you do have the occasional break down.

I did mention a few things to hubby about the quran i thought maybe he would have some answers for all the craziness on rape and underage marriage and temp marriage and big breasted women as a reward in heaven. I thought maybe he could show me its all okay, but it turns out he has no awners and he blindly believes and accepts everything the quran and hadieth say even if it is scientifically grammatically and historically wrong? i just cant understand why some people will believe in even the worst things and never question. my hubs an intelligent man i just cant understand it. Any how the point is he made his views quite strong, he thinks the shaytarn is deceiving me. even though he has no answers hes willing to believe even if it defies all logic, im the phyco one. i never thought the one i loved so much would be so deceived. i feel so hurt. A husband is someone your supposed to share everything with no matter what, but now ive realised that any doubts i have about islam can 100% not be shared. how sad!

Thank you for all your replies i read them over and over.
Sir wankalot - im from the Uk but i live in a highly populated muslim area plus my nearest and dearest are all muslim.

Doubting Thomas - i came to islam from christianity i just had the same feelings in christianity now i have them in islam but my whole life revolves around islam. I jumped in to islam eyes closed believing the watered down version of islam now i know the truth if there is such a thing.

After many days of praying i feel more at peace, i guess there is no need for me to wave a flag and put a label on myself, i beleive in god and so praying wont be to much trouble i just pray god forgives me for giving others the impression that i believe in some of the crazy things in hadieth and quran.

Im learning to live each day in a mental liberation rather than mental bondage, i feel better knowing that God is not some angry creature out to get us, who hates women. I do feel liberated but i also stick with some of the good moral conducts islam teaches, for i know most muslims are good people just lost in a system trying their best to live a godly life being good people and as much as i enjoy the muslim culture i neither have to be open about my beliefs for muslims alike all beleive in one god anyway even if the quran is corrupted we are all aiming towards a greater spiritual life. sorry i dont mean to drag on i just thank you all for helping me to understand that i can live in peace with my family and not let religion affect it. i mean no one i know reads quran anyway, let alone hadeith so i guess i can follow the parts which keep me close to God and breath with relief at the ones that clearly dont.

Thank you all so much and please forgive my bad grammar and spelling xx
- The Defiant
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Reply #8 - April 29, 2013, 11:15 PM

Talking to strangers for advice and not those closest to you....lol but I know exactly where your coming from. I'm the same, I can't/don't want to talk to anyone close of my non-muslim family or friends as from past experiences the response of "I told you so" is just not helpful and more than I can take.
I feel bad for beginning to indoctrinate my own into this belief system which I've started doing but the only reason I'm doing it is because of the sh*t storm that I know will go down next time we're around the inlaws, believe me they'll make the indoctrination far more full on if they don't think I'm teaching them. Is this a good enough excuse to falsely indoctrinate my children, I don't know, I'm in a sticky situation myself. I'm also from a (very mild) christian background. I grew out of any of those beliefs by my early twenties.
Finally why do intelligent people insist on believing, I don't know probably a variety of different reasons I guess. Ranging from denial, to "it gives meaning and reassurance to our lives", "because it's what we've always done", "there has to be something more and this is the most logical explanation."
Are they really intelligent to begin with, maybe in terms of test scores but in as far as critical thinking is concerned I doubt it, there minds are closed. At the end of the day it's nearly impossible not to be a hypocrite in some form or an other and I'd been in denial myself if I thought I was an exception.
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