Being a Loner

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- Pishte_Kooh
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Being a Loner
OP - June 08, 2013, 02:33 PM

I do have a problem i haven't been able to take care off. I'm a perpetual loner. All my friendships(if you even call it like that, more like acquitances) are unstimulating and empty. I don't know why that is to be honest, my last real friendship ended when i was 12-13, when my friends all went their way. Since then I haven't been able to make any real friendships. Non-lasting and not really more than shallow. I don't know whether that's due to poor social skills, or just being plain boring.

Another problem i have is.. i can't relate to anyone. I can't relate to immigrants from my own country, while i can have amiable relationships, and i can genuinely be honest and comfortable around them, we share similar backgrounds and experiences, when it comes down to religion, i can't genuinely be honest. Because i'm afraid i'll offend people and mark myself for social exclusion. I usually keep my mouth shut around religion, and simply agree or have a diffuse manner. Their mentality on certain things are disagreeable to me.

As for natives, I can be more honest about my political and religious views, but their culture and mentality doesn't click with me. I simply don't possess the temprament for drinking and loud music, nor do i care about their cultural practices or trends. I'm unable to adjust to their social expectations and i don't find what they enjoy to be enjoyable. They're distant, aloof and non-interesting for me to relate to. Not that i have anything against them personally, but something in me makes me uncomfortable and stiff around them. It doesn't help that i'm treated like the cultural ambassador. I tried adjusting, it simply doesn't work, any attempt i make, i feel is repulsed by my nature.

I think these problems have made me a perpetual loner. It's made me comfortable with my own company. But the feeling of alienation are still there.

Does anyone have similar experiences?
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Reply #1 - June 08, 2013, 03:57 PM

Thank you for posting this. You just described my life. For most part. Due to my "aloofness" I came across to some people as arrogant but I just can't help but not fit in no matter where I go. Not that I've never tried, I did. Sometimes, the more I try to "adjust" myself, the more alienated I'd feel afterwards. So I stopped doing that. Now, I much rather keep it laid-back (and it's very natural to me). I don't really put much effort in maintaining social contact with many people I've known.

In real life, with many people I simply can't express myself with honesty when it comes to religion. I would become more detached and a tad bit uncomfortable whenever someone brings up the topic of religion. Instinctively, I would simply keep my mouth shut or, for certain circumstance, agree but in a rather indifferent manner.

I still do maintain contact with some of my acquaintances and old friends every now and then, but none of these connection is profound. I've always believed that I don't really need a large circle of friends to feel... satisfied. Attention is easy to get. Trying to find a like-minded person that you can really relate with, from my experience, is close to impossible.

Certainty is an illusion.
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Reply #2 - June 08, 2013, 04:26 PM

@Pishte_Kooh I can definitely relate to what you're describing. Let me let you in on a little secret: most people can't relate to others around them and they all tend to think they're the only ones. But having a few shared interests always helps that's why you need to seek out people who share at least a few things with you. You can join clubs/societies or volunteer at various events etc. The only way to find someone you can relate to is to expose yourself to all kinds of people. You'll eventually find someone.

Are those people you describe really uninteresting or do you simply categorize them as such to convince yourself that they're not worth socialising with because you're afraid of talking to them?
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- Pishte_Kooh
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Reply #3 - June 08, 2013, 05:02 PM

^ I don't know really. I don't mesh with native people around me . Those people have other mentalities and other goals. Their ideas and habits differ greatly from mine. They like to drink ,party and travel, I neither have the money nor the interest in doing those things. Sometimes it's their lack of intelligence and coherence that comes in the way and ruins my initial impression. They have no common interests with me.

I like exercising(And I take my training seriously, put hours of research in it), reading books of all kinds of genres(especially history and sociology), learning about stuff, Playing video-games and exploring all kinds of stuff. But even the people who i've meet who share those interests with me, usually are uninteresting. I don't know, maybe i'm prejudiced or stuck up in my ways. Add to the fact that it's also uncomfortable to be treated like a cultural ambassador, even when i've been living in the country since birth.

Besides that, i'm not really sure what it is. I try to open up. to people.. but it doesn't work, it becomes akward and doesn't feel natural.

Most of the time i'm content with it, but sometimes i feel like i'm stuck in a toilet bowl, and feel like shit.
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Reply #4 - June 08, 2013, 05:07 PM

Hi Pishte_Kooh

I'm a "pure Canadian", I never changed country (I moved a lot but only inside my province). But still, I cannot relate much to anybody around me. To be honest, I never had real friends. When I was a kid, I had 2-3 "friends" but they were more like acquaintances, as you said. In high school, the first two years I had my "gang", but we never spent time together outside the school. Then I moved at the age 14, and couldn't be able to make new friends, so I spent the rest of my high school mostly alone. Now I'm in college and don't have friends. It is a bit complicated for when there are team works, but I became used to be alone (and it gives me more time to do what i have to do.. lol..) so I don't know if I'd really like to have friends in real life anyways...

Since I'm 8 years old I spend almost all my free time on Internet, which allowed me to make a few "friends" but I don't talk to them anymore, except one. I call him my "best friend", but in reality, he's my only friend. I didn't even saw him in real life yet (everytime we wanted to see each other, there was an impediment and it didn't work). But we share common interests, we support each other and our mentalities are similar. I knew him 4 years ago and now I've realized I never had a friendship which lasted that long.. lol. We are planning to see each other in real life soon, but I still dislike the fact that my only true friend lives in another city.

I can relate to the feeling of lonelyness and alienation, though it is not linked with "immigration". I'd say that in my case, it may be linked with the fact that I'm... just... "different"... and yes, at some points in my life, other kids liked to let me know that I was "different". I've been called "not human" or "a witch" a few times.

I'm a reserved person, too. I can express myself, my thoughts and my feelings more easily in the Internet than in real life. Also,
Quote
I simply don't possess the temprament for drinking and loud music, nor do i care about their cultural practices or trends. I'm unable to adjust to their social expectations and i don't find what they enjoy to be enjoyable.

This is also true in my case although I was born here. Birthdays, Christmas, party, alcohol drinking, music, fashion, reality show, or whatever. I don't give a shit. (Which is part of the reasons why I was interested in Islam, I would consider myself as a "ex-almost convert" for that matter.)

So, yea, I think my experience is similar to yours at some points, the immigration put aside.

If the abrahamic god judged himself according to his own moral standards, he'd go to hell.

He's jealous, full of pride, he created evil, he doesn't heal sick people while he could, he's attacking people who are weaker than him, he follows his own desires and he commits murders all the time.
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Reply #5 - June 08, 2013, 05:47 PM

Go to a bunker playing remorselessly intense dance music, take your top off, pop a few, dance like a viking. You'll thank me later.
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Reply #6 - June 08, 2013, 06:40 PM

Quote from: Lluvia on June 08, 2013, 05:07 PM
Hi Pishte_Kooh

I'm a "pure Canadian", I never changed country (I moved a lot but only inside my province). But still, I cannot relate much to anybody around me. To be honest, I never had real friends. When I was a kid, I had 2-3 "friends" but they were more like acquaintances, as you said. In high school, the first two years I had my "gang", but we never spent time together outside the school. Then I moved at the age 14, and couldn't be able to make new friends, so I spent the rest of my high school mostly alone. Now I'm in college and don't have friends. It is a bit complicated for when there are team works, but I became used to be alone (and it gives me more time to do what i have to do.. lol..) so I don't know if I'd really like to have friends in real life anyways...

Since I'm 8 years old I spend almost all my free time on Internet, which allowed me to make a few "friends" but I don't talk to them anymore, except one. I call him my "best friend", but in reality, he's my only friend. I didn't even saw him in real life yet (everytime we wanted to see each other, there was an impediment and it didn't work). But we share common interests, we support each other and our mentalities are similar. I knew him 4 years ago and now I've realized I never had a friendship which lasted that long.. lol. We are planning to see each other in real life soon, but I still dislike the fact that my only true friend lives in another city.

I can relate to the feeling of lonelyness and alienation, though it is not linked with "immigration". I'd say that in my case, it may be linked with the fact that I'm... just... "different"... and yes, at some points in my life, other kids liked to let me know that I was "different". I've been called "not human" or "a witch" a few times.

I'm a reserved person, too. I can express myself, my thoughts and my feelings more easily in the Internet than in real life. Also,This is also true in my case although I was born here. Birthdays, Christmas, party, alcohol drinking, music, fashion, reality show, or whatever. I don't give a shit. (Which is part of the reasons why I was interested in Islam, I would consider myself as a "ex-almost convert" for that matter.)

So, yea, I think my experience is similar to yours at some points, the immigration put aside.

Well, I don't know. For me there is a cultural and personality dimension that isn't reconcilable. I don't know what it is, certain sense of detachment and inability to feel social bond, especially with most natives here. I don't know if that is conditioned or natural. I'm somewhat eccentric, but it isn't a social problem i find.
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Reply #7 - June 08, 2013, 07:11 PM

I'd say your personality type is simply a loner and there is nothing wrong with that.

Society advertises the idea of extroversion as the only way to be in order to be a whole and happy person, and thus many introverts are made to feel like they are lacking in some way. This in itself creates long term depression as the introvert eternally tries to fit into this model of a personality type that is not them, and ultimately is only going to perpetuate the loop of misery.

The more they try to be this extroverted person, the more they find themselves unable to relate, continue to feel like an outsider looking through the glass at all the normal happy people, and again feel like there must be something wrong with them.

Seriously, weigh up the number of self help books on how to accept the introvert in yourself, against the self help books on how to become a cosmopolitan happy successful extrovert and you can see how heavy the push is for this ridiculous 'ideal' personality type.

The loner is a weirdo in this society, and is punished and made to feel bad for simply being who they are.

I'm an introvert for the most part, and generally end up feeling like I don't fit in once I have been with a group for too long, I just don't feel right within myself as if there is something wrong with me. Thankfully this questoning of myself has lessened the more I have become comfortable with understanding that there is nothing wrong with being me. With just being alone, and being happy and content with that.

Indeed I have come to love the loner within me, I respect my ability to be ok with my own company and often chuckle at those who must and need to always continually be surrounded with people.

Unfortunately I have extroverted friends, who need to talk on the phone because they hate their own company , and so I don't get to fully immerse myself in the loner I love within me. Thankfully I have become just that tad harsher with them because I do so love being an introvert.

This is what you perhaps need to begin to work on. You feel out of place, because you are out of place. You are being forced in many respects to believe that who you are is wrong, and you need to be like them. It's like a gay person trying to be straight, it is forcing who you are into a closet, and telling you to mask all of that, with something you will never be happy being and really, why should be allow anyone to dictate the 'right' sort of person to be?

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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Reply #8 - June 08, 2013, 07:32 PM

If i was an actual , true introvert, i'd not have any lack of fullfillment of craving for company, i wouldn't feel lonely. As my isolation is largely conditional. I don't think anything called introversion actually exists. When i do actually get the chance to talk to someone, especially who i intensively dislike, i do become extroverted.
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Reply #9 - June 08, 2013, 08:05 PM

Wrong, I can appear much more extroverted than my actual extroverted friends in certain social situations, and indeed overshadow them and make them feel I dominate the group.

I am introverted because doing that is all fine and dandy, but I then will need to relax and chill on my own.

Anyway considering you've pretty much said my personality doesn't exist, this seems like a waste of time.

By all means, if you feel that you can become this person you believe is inside of you and only hidden by circumstance, then go for it. Sometimes all it takes it years and years of trying to finally wake up and smell the coffee.

I know however that I exist, introversion is real, and feeling lonely, or being able to socialise on some level is no indicator that it doesn't exist.

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
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Reply #10 - June 08, 2013, 09:12 PM

I think I've always been naturally more introverted but have always been able to switch to being extrovert too but to what degree is always dependent on the company, mood and circumstance. Females have always brought the best & worst out in me- such wonderful creatures that I've always been able to be more open with in the past.
Nowadays, I'm older, mellow & more comfortable with who I am. Close friendships that I once had have faded proving they were never really true friendships so what social contact I have is family life & colleaugues at work, two of which I have become quite close to. I have no real desire to make any deep meaningful friendships any more but if it does happen then so be it.
Having said that, I don't think social exclusion or isolation is healthy (especially when you're young) so I think a conscious effort to get out there in society & mingle, interact & live life to the fullest is important. To what degree, I think should be your choice depending what stage you are in life & what you actually need from your friendships.

When truth is hurled against falsehood, falsehood perishes, for falsehood by its nature is bound to perish.
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