Confused young women in the west
OP - June 08, 2013, 03:54 PM
Let me start of by saying that this WILL contain a healthy handful of vulgar and unladylike words, so if you have an issue with that you can leave swiftly and efficiently to minimise headaches.
So lets call me "Emma". I was born in Iraq under a easy going family when it comes to religion. My paternal grandparents didn't pray, although they did fast Ramadan. I was raised in their home along with my parents (living there) and brother. About the age of 3 we moved and got our own place. Same time the war happened, we moved away in 06 and in 08 we moved to the US. My mum comes from a much more conservative family, my grandpa being a a Saiid and her a Alilwia. At the age of 9 I wasn't allowed to wear tank tops, even in the smoldering heat. I was forced on "family" outings where my brother and dad would go swimming in the lake whilest I tried to ignore the look bikini-clad passerbys gave to make itchy and uncomfortable jeans. Oh, and I had to listen to my mum saying "isn't this so much fun?". Sure mum, sure it is. Everyday I asked god to have me wake up into another person's body, life and just lose myself. I dream about what I don't have, money, looks, boyfriends, nice parents, no siblings. And most of all freedom. Time after time I came to the conclusion that my life is to put simply, fucked up. I started thinking that god just hates me, that he would put me in this shitty intolerable "test" where I would have to sacrifice socially acceptable attitudes in order not to be influenced by the damned "non-believers". But I couldn't, I just couldn't. Why the fuck am I a girl? Why does my religion requires girls to hide their beauty? They claim it is so men don't "rape" us, that our looks arouse them. But isn't that victim blaming? Surely most men can control their dicks from stirring at the sight of boobs. Why am I the "chosen" society of Allah? Why couldn't I be born to some Christian, Buddahist, or even athiest family who accepts the life around them, not clinging to 7th century compatable beliefs?
Naturally I have never voice these opinions and thoughts to my family, who continue to oppose my ideas in every direction. To put it out there, I believe in god. I believe that god created us. And loves us and wants use to be happy, but as far as Islam goes it's restricting me from that dream. Most of my friends are either atheist or spiritual live comfortable lives, their worries a fraction of mine. I am 14, and I feel as if I am missing out on life.
Despite being the best example of family, Islam fails to repair my disfunctional one. My father had been unemployed for 8 months, my mother constantly swears at me, calling me a whore, slut and whatever she pleases. My brother is a hypocritical pussy who takes control over me because he is a "man". Islam is a man's religion. I cannot fathom why is it that my worth is half of a scumbag's as my brother. This is the 21st century people, I can get a job and support myself thank you very much. I vowed to never marry an Arab.
How easy is it to just POP and leave the religion? Yet there is still that hanging feeling that there will be a hole in my life. And if I do plan to leave I must be 18, in order to live on my own. Yet I love god, and the idea of a family.
This is a true paradox, and I will not make hasty decisions. I will investigate on both sides of the arguments.
Please leave me your questions, comments or concerns as of this issue.
BTW: if I leave the religion I plan to move to England for Uni.
Just like Johnny Flynn said, the breath I've taken and the one I must to go on.
Topic: Confused young women in the west