The mention of a prison is actually ironic because he didn't try to control me once we were living with his family downstairs. I would even go overnight to his aunts house without informing him first. I guess he thought I couldn't get into any trouble there.
Once we were in the US it was very different. For a short time, we stayed with a family of American converts- a wife, husband and their 4 small children. I didn't have a cell phone and neither did the wife. One day, a woman from the neighborhood came by to invite us to a women's lecture taking place in a nearby house. Since we didn't have a phone, we didn't think to "Ask" our husbands and just left a note in the kitchen. When we came back, the men came home early, we were gone- they saw the note. The woman's husband was a little annoyed but mine was FURIOUS- he slapped me around in front of the couple and all the children. For going 1 block away to a women's lecture!
It just went worse from there. He was acting very erratic and unsafely and would stalk me. If I said I was going to a certain place at a certain time, I better be- he would check up on me! I would go to the library with my son and find him parked in the parking lot. When he was supposed to be working, he'd park his car down the block and walk up to the house, peaking in the windows. Just paranoid stuff.
Still, I was completely into the Islam thing- I just told myself that this was my struggle and my job was to overcome. I took care of my son and by the time he was 18 months, he could recognize all the ABC's in English and Arabic when I wrote them randomly on a chalkboard. When my husband saw this, he decided the boy MUST go back to India ASAP to become a hafiz like him. He started pushing for me to allow my son to go live with his family and promised that I could get a job if I let him go back. There was no way I was parting with my son!!
He was teaching at an Islamic school and soon his hypocrisy was discovered, they were trying to find another teacher and had cut his hours in half and ordered a parent be in the class at all times, because the kids were saying he hit them or pulled their ears. It was embarrassing to be married to him. I didn't have any friends, partly because he was so controlling but also because rumors about him were widespread.
When my son was two, things were rapidly going downhill. He would mock me while I was praying and make my son repeat things like, "Mama is bad! Mama is crazy!" and that is really when I decided to leave him. I wanted my son to grow up as a pious Muslim but his father was unstable and a laughing stock in our community. He, however, had suddenly started spending 5 hours a day on the phone, complaining to his family and any friend who would want the phone how terrible America was and how he needed to send his son back to India. He got the boy a PIO card (Person of Indian Origin- allows you to live in India permanently) and started asking anyone who was headed back to India for holiday to take him.
I found out I was pregnant and he was so angry with me. He became very scary at this point. I didn't have a cell phone (I had lost it on the light rail and he refused to buy me a new one)and I would wake up in the middle of the night to find him gone, with my son. He would come back hours later, laughing and saying he just took his son for a milkshake (one thing he loved about America was the 24 hour drive thrus and milk shakes!) He was trying to force me to have an abortion and one day, instead of taking me grocery shopping like we planned, he stopped in front of planned parenthood and told through his checkbook at me and told me to go get an abortion.
I wanted to leave but didn't know where to go. I didn't have a cell phone while he was gone and no money. I was in my own country but felt helpless. One day, I went to the library and in the ladies restroom was a pile of cards for a domestic violence hotline. I hid it and about a week later while he was showering for work, I hid his cellphone. He looked everywhere and was furious but left without it. I called the number and told my story- the lady was very alarmed and told me that I needed to leave right away. Especially with him acting irrational with my son and trying to force me to have an abortion.
At one point, he told me I could keep the baby if I let him take the older child to India. I couldn't believe him!
I felt constantly on alert. I knew something was going to happen but felt helpless. He was becoming more and more scary, just fuming all the time.
When I was 14 weeks pregnant, he again was in the shower (the only time his phone was not in his hand!) and his phone rang- the name that showed up said "TRAVEL AGENT" and I was curious. He always looked at fares online and still wanted to take my son- I had hidden his passport just in case. The person on the phone was NOT a travel agent but actually a whore he met on Craigslist. She said he had told her that he had divorced me and I had abandoned my son, so he had sent the child to live in India. She told me that he was having threesomes with her and her husband!
I confronted him once he was out of the shower and he said nothing. I tried to get him to talk- to repent, to admit- anything and he was deadly silent. Finally, without saying anything, he grabbed me and started to choke me, kneeing me in the stomach until I fell to the ground. My two year old son was sitting on the bed and started screaming. He left me alone and tried to pick up my son to comfort him but the baby ran to me. Somehow, i still don't know how- I ran out of the house with my son AND his cellphone. I called 911. The police came, he was arrested and they took me to the hospital for observation.
That was the scariest moment of my life. I was so afraid they would take my son away from me- how could I stay in the hospital AND care for a toddler? But they admitted me and allowed my son to stay. He laid on the bed with me and watched TV for the first time in his life.
The police came to talk to me in the morning and said that he would most likely be released that day and I needed to grab whatever I could from the house and go into hiding. I was released from the hospital (thankfully the baby was ok!) and I went to my house, grabbed a dufflebag of clothes and our important documents and left. I went to the courthouse and got a restraining order (I didn't even know one existed-the police helped me so much) and while I was waiting, a woman from the DA arranged for me to stay in a Domestic Violence shelter.
He was released from jail that same day and he called a lot of people to tell them what had happened. I had his cell phone and I called the one person I thought would help me (An older Muslim woman we knew) and she did indeed help me. We became the talk of the Muslim community- they love to gossip and aside from the one woman, no one would help me.
He violated the restraining order within 2-3 days and was arrested again and held until the trial. For the first time, I could sleep. My son had only a few toy cars and a chalkboard in our house. In the hospital he had watched Dora the Explorer and fell in love. I went to the store and bought him a Dora playset and he was in love! He spent hours with that toy.
I was able to remove what little money was in his bank account while he was in jail and got assistance from the state.
I decided to attend the mosque but was completely shunned. As much as they gossiped about how bad "MOULANA SAHIB" was while we were together, they demonized ME for getting him arrested. Everyone avoided me like the plague. I was honestly surprised. I never intended to talk bad about him, in fact. I just wanted to have some support. I found out that people were visiting him in jail everyday and that they had pooled money together to hire a lawyer for him. Even after he had been accused of hitting their kids, pulling their ears. Even after they saw what a bad Muslim he was.. even after he attacked his pregnant wife.
I stayed at the shelter as long as I could. They only allowed 6 weeks. I was out with my son one day and ran into another convert woman who I had been kind of friends with (one of the only people my husband let me socialize with) and told her soon I would need to leave the shelter. She promised to come and get me later that week and let me stay in a townhouse they owned that was empty. I felt such relief! On the appointed day, I called her to ask what time she would be there- she said, "I am sorry sister, but we cannot help you. Only Allah can help you" and hung up. I had to leave the shelter that day and I had nowhere to go.
I stayed three nights in a motel and called other shelters everyday, trying to get a spot. I couldn't afford to keep staying in motels and ended up sleeping in some bushes near the public library I used to go to- where I had found the card for the DV hotline. Luckily it was summer. I had to call a number at 7AM everyday to see if there was space in a shelter.
I called the older woman and told her we were sleeping outside- she paid for a week in a motel but said that was all she could do. So, a week later, we were back. It took a total of 16 days to get into another shelter and we spent 6 of those nights outside. Even on those nights we slept outside, I felt grateful that we were free.
After the trial, where he was convicted but released on time served and given probation I decided to leave the state. It's been three years now and I have two healthy, happy sons. I filed for divorce and he showed up for the divorce hearing but never requested to visit my sons. He never met the youngest boy who is now almost 3.
For about a year after I left him, I still considered myself Muslim. I prayed, wore hijab, went to the mosque in my new city but something had change. I realized that I never really believed in God but just hoped to. I had mistaken the feeling of calmness that comes over anyone from time to time to be God's presence. I thought that if I did everything correctly, that calmness would come more often.
Now, I consider myself an Atheist. I won't go into all the reasons I believe Islam (and all religions) are wrong intellectually. Once, while I was still married, mormons came to our house.
My husband was eager to let them in and try to convert them to Islam. I remember saying to them, "You really believe that a man in America found gold scrolls and was anointed as a prophet? Only two hundred years ago?" One of the young boys looked at me and said, "Is it any crazier than believing God talked to Muhammad in a cave, 1400 years ago?"
Nope, not any crazier than that
Leaving Islam wasn't hard. Of course, I had no ties to a community. I had attended a mosque in my town for about a year and saw all the hypocrisy. I remember thinking I was so outraged but then thinking to myself, "Am I really? Goes it matter at all?" I realized that I was a hypocrite too. I believed nothing I was supposed to. I thought it was OK for a man to marry a man, for instance. I had the mindset of "Live and let live" and that just doesn't jive with Islam!
Taking off the Hijab was nice. My elder son was about 3 and a half and he was shocked, kept trying to force me to put it on before we left the house.
Honestly, I miss praying. I loved waking up early in the morning to pray. It brought me such peace and helped me a lot but it isn't any different from meditation or quiet mindfulness. I still wake up early sometimes and enjoy the silence and if I happen to pass gas, I don't have to get up to wash myself again before resuming my meditation
I have had zero communication with my ex in three years. I haven't talked to his family. I completed cut off all ties. The only thing I mourn is the fact that my children will not know their family but I cannot expose them to Islam. When they're older, I will try to explain to them. For now, they are happy kids who are taught to respect everyone and to ASK QUESTIONS!
Topic: My story of marrying a Muslim man abroad at 18 years old.