On October 15th 1996 my father died.
I remember being woken up by cousin Ruksanna and she told me to quickly get dressed and go to the hospital. One of my 'uncles' took me to the hospital in his car. It was a quiet journey. I wandered all the while what the hell was going on. When we got to the hospital there was a room to my left and from it came the noise of women crying loudly and saying this in Urdu and Punjabi. I was led through some doors and into a wide room and saw my father with bits of congealed blood clinging to his, what was once light brown now pale face. I touched Death itself and it feld cold.
Throughout the mourning period I never cried. Not once. Nobody explained to me what was going on. I never was told about death itself. Only about Paradise and Hell Fire, but not about death. Sure, I was told about the questions that the Angel of Death would ask you in the grave. But, nobody told me how to cope with death. I saw people all around me, crying, wailing, reading parts of the Qur'an and claiming that my father was their best friend of favourite brother.
During the Jannazah the Imam said something about seeing loved ones in Paradise. I never knew my father. Not well enough anyway. He was always working. He died at work. But I know he was a good man. And a part of me wanted to see him again. Partly to see what he was really like a s a person and partly to see if all this Paradise talk was true.
Shortly after my father's death, a couple moved in next door. Amjad was a mild mannered computer electronics student and was very Islamic. He had a lot of religious books. I asked him about how to get to Paradise and he said 'obey Allah'. I saked 'how?' he handed me a book called 'Tawhid' by Abu Ameenah Billal Phillips. I was hooked.
From then on I prayed five times a day, wore the Islamic dress for Jummah, grew a beard, lowered my gaze, stopped listening to music and fasted. Islam had all the answers. Everyone is going to die and we should accept it. Death is not to be fear...the afterlife is to be feared. This Duniya and our mortal frame is to be forsaken and we should be preoccupied with morbid thoughts of the afterlife. I never thought about my father other out of respect. Muhammad said that we should honour the dead, respect their memory and frieve for them. Remember death for death is as close to you as the nails on your fingers.
There is nothing in Islam about meeting loved ones in Paradise like most people would imagine. On the Day of Ressurection we would be too preoccupied with ourselves. We will say 'nafsi, nafsi, nafsi'. Me, me, me. We would speak against each other. Paradise is not how people imagine it to be. I read a book called 'Hellfire and Paradise' by Shkh. Umar Suleyman al-Ashqar and it it was said that in Paradise we will rpaise Allah even more. There will be no need for families for Allah will protect us.
Anyway, long story short I became disillusioned with the idea of Allah, Islam and all other sorts of superstitious nonsense. I know that I will die. I know that I may be buried or cremated or gradually rot away someplace. But I do not fear death. I fear how I might die. But not death itself. And nor do I ourn the fact that I will not see my father. It may pain me when the time comes and my wife passes away or my children and I held them in my arms for the last time and wish that I could hold them once again, only a lot longer.
But, I've learnt to let go.
I would say it's maturity and accepting things as they are. But I know that I will never see my father, ever again. That's a fact. But, I'm not sad though. I'm happy. Because this realisation has made me appreiate life even more. All we have of each other are moments. We must strive to make every moment last and straghten our bonds with those who are living. Live for the living and do not die with dead.
Fuck it! Life is too short to be angry, hateful and arrogant. Appreciate the things you have now so that you will have nothing to regret when they are gone. And when the time comes to let go. It will be easy...or at least get easier in time.
So...pull yourself together, chin up lad and carry on.
Topic: Dealing with death.