So that you won't be 'dissapointed' I tell you already, that I am NOT ex-Muslim.
Still Islam has had effect on my life and I feel most comfortable with ex-Muslims, since Islam has had big negative effect on my life. It's not only reason by no means, but one of the bigger ones.
So I tell my story, because I believe it takes some of the pain away.
––I am boy from Nordic Europe, I am from big area (1 million people in the whole area, half of that in my own city)
I lived pretty good life, but problems started when I got very bad acne (at the age of 13-14) and people started seeing me as a freak.
I wasn't bullied, because I knew how to fight, so very few wanted to fight with me, but I could see people staring at my skin; even adults were giving me weird looks and being far away from me.
This was ok, because I was pretty strong mentally, but when I went to college
(we do not have same system as you do, so I'm not exactly sure what it is in English. I was about 15-16 at the time)
where I knew no one. I started using littlebit of acne make up, which covered everything pretty well, but I came very uncofortable with myself, because I was always afraid that someone would see that I had make up.
I got very tired, because I was scared that someone would see my make up and I was always tired at school, sleeping in the class and being in my own world, so people started making fun of me. Saying that I was on drugs and that I was a weirdo.
I hoped that they knew who I was, so they wouldn't dare to bully me and I hoped that the biggest guy in the school would punch me, so that I could beat him up and show that you should bully someone else.
Well, no one ever attacked me physically and I couldn't defend myself with words, so going to school started being terrible. Because of the stress my acne got even worse and I got very tired and lost my will to live.
I skipped school all the time and was very sad at school. Everytime I went to class late the whole class started yelling and laughing; asking if was using drugs or selling this time.
There were few nice guys and girls, but overall the class was terrible and teachers never did anything to make me feel better.
So I chose to stop school after some months. It was sad, because I liked the SCHOOL, sadly people were not as nice.
I was from atheist country, atheist family and I was atheist myself. We were not against religion tho' just unreligious.
I was very low and didn't want anything to do with anything. I started praying to Jesus, since I am from formerly Christian country, and IT HELPED. I got so happy that I cannot explain.
Always smiling, never sad, never anxious and never scared of anything. So I just started reading Gospels, listening to some Bible scholars and listening to hymns.
I got injured in my sports little bit before my depression and I stopped playing sports, so I had nowhere to go.
And it was great. I just had time to pray, listen to music and read the Bible.
I didn't go out for a month (I took trashes out few times with my mom and went once to skin doctor, but that was it) and my family got worried. So we went to doctor and the doctor said, that I clearly had depression and therefore I got medicine for it.
Life was looking good, because I had Jesus, Bible, family and bed, but I didn't go outside.
My mom was trying to get me out and so was my doctor, but I was fine with my life.
Doctor send request to Teenagers's Mental Help, and we got time there.
They made a plan for some months and I got also ADHD diagnosis. I had to start going there few times in a month to speak about my condition and I got order to go out.
Well I always went there to talk but I never went outside besides that.
So we (doctors, my family and I) were talking and they asked why I don't go outside.
I said that praying and reading makes me perfectly happy (which was true), but they gave great advice/warning that I just skipped, since I believed in Jesus deeply.
They said: "You might feel good now, but in long term you will ruin your life by never going out, seeing others or doing anything but praying and reading religious stuff."
So I was about 4 months indoors and went outside very rarely, but my mom was very sad because of it, so I went to countryside with my dad, so that I could be alot outside and do something fun (like boxing and hacking trees).
My mom also signed me up to this "Socially Alienated Teens's and Young Adult's Group" where we would get back in life and we would try to find schools or jobs. It would be twice a week, which would be a good baby step to get social again.
One day when I was doing push-ups my dad handed me a phone, where one of the group leaders answered and said that I should come to interview next morning.
So I had to run to bus (only one bus a day in the countryside) and travel back to my hometown from the countryside, where I was boxing, praying, lifting and reading all day long.
I was kinda annoyed, but when I went to the interview, the place looked nice, staff were nice and the group leader was pretty nice (hot) looking. So it started very next day and I had good time.
I was still praying and reading and my skin was pretty good, because I had had medicine.
Life was pretty good, but I was still depressed.
Few months were going like this and the course ended. I found a job that was meant for youngsters who didn't have anything else to do. Very nice boss, very nice friends and very nice place. Only annoying thing was that this job was relatively far away. Big building full of beautiful girls, nice guys and everything was going good.
But I started becoming more skeptical about the Bible and I started thinking if Jesus was really God etc.
(happens to many people after they get over the first part of their spiritual journey, which ever religion they have converted to)
Life was still good, and I kept praying to Jesus. I was so thankful to him for making me happy so I didn't want to just quit after getting happy only thru' Jesus.
But my faith started dying and I saw some Muslim scholars teaching about Qur'an and I read littlebit of Qur'an.
It was much better than the Bible by it's poetry and I really liked it (Arabic poetry just was more my style).
So I started fighting against the feeling. You know, I was praying that Jesus would help me and that Satan would stop tempting me out of the Light of Jesus.
I saw Muslim stuff about the Bible and came to realize, that Jesus wasn't God. I started listening to some ex-priest that became imam and he said, that Surah of Maryam giving birth to Issa was the last blow and converted. I was scared and thought that I would lose my faith to Christianity, but I still read the Surah.
No joke, I cried. It was so beautiful.
I started crying even more when I realized, that this is more likely to be Word of God than the Bible, where I found peace. I fought against the feeling, prayed all the time and I became Messianic Unitarian Jew, Torah was the Word of God and Jesus was just manifestation of God's will (like Muslims taught too and Muhammad probably got the idea from that Ebionite(?) priest). I found peace but Islam was in my subconcious mind and I was praying to Yahve to kill my interest Qur'an, Muhammad and Allah.
Well obviously didn't happen, just like trying not to think about Pink Elephant makes you think about it.
Qur'an became much more beautiful, because it was the hidden fruit and I was always nervous when reading it.
I went to church for the first time in my life, because I tried to get back to Yehoshua, Yahve, Mosheh, Avraham, Yakuv, Isaq etc. like I called them at that time and get away from Issa, Allah, Musha, Ibrahim, Yaqub, Ishaq etc.
It was crazy struggle like you can imagine.
I loved the church, I remember the peace I had there. So nice people, so much people from different cultures.
It was a place of peace, but my mind was fighting between Jewish-Christianity mix of mine and Islam.
I started getting anxiety attacks, fears and depression, but praying helped me.
Then I started reading the Tanakh, like I called it and saw all kind of immoral stuff I had never heard of.
I didn't see Yahve as love again and Yehoshua started looking like a crazy person. I got anxious from reading the Tanakh, Gospels of the Word of Yahve (I didn't believe him as the haMaschiach but as a perfect example of Yahve's being) and from praying, because God wasn't this loving peaceful being but bloodthirsty just like Allah in my eyes.
I lost my faith, was trying some praying which didn't work anymore and I quit my job, because I got anxious.
And the reason for anxiety was Islam and Qur'an. I tried to be a Muslim in a way, but I just couldn't get the courage despite praying to the Most Merciful, Allmighty Allah which Muslims talked about.
So I prayed to Allah and said: "Please remember me and my family, even tho' we cannot live according to your standards. We are sinners, we are bad and weak, but since you are Most Merciful, you can probably forgive."
And whats true, my friends, what is true?
I got happier, I felt that stuff ain't going that bad. So I started liking Islam, I started seeing Allah as Merciful Provider of human life. So what I did?
The idiot I was, I opened the Qur'an and all the happiness I got from that short yet confident prayer to Allmighty Allah was fully vanished. I read and after few lines of good poetry (you probably agree, that Qur'an is pretty well written when you read it for the first about. 300 times, but it's pretty repetive and some say it gets boring after a while) and I was SO DISGUSTED that I couldn't read it anymore.
At those times I got my first panic attack, because I "knew" I was going to eternal Hell with my family and that Allah would burn our skins, make us drink boiling water and would make Hell intense everytime I would ask for Mercy.
I thought that I had rejected Allah and his Messenger and even tho' I realized Hell made no sense, I got almost crazy. I started feeling surreal (if that is the right word in English) and I started feeling I was just blinded by Shaytan and left alone by Allah. I felt that I had missed my only shot and that Allah would blind my eyes from that on.
Now the Panic Attacks got so severe that I couldn't sleep, and I was full of cold sweat. I had to sleep in the same bed with my mother, because she was only one that could find the right words. Next day, which was, let's say Tuesday, I couldn't go to job so I went to my sister. There I was kinda down but I fully broke when thinking about my lovely mother, who wouldn't be there to hug and protect me in Hell, but she would be drinking boiling
water too.
I got fully broken down for the first time in my life and I just cried. My family was asking what's up but I couldn't tell so I just made something up. My sister said I should go to bed and I went and cried forever (I didn't watch clock, but for a pretty long time. Atleast it felt like eternity) fully out loud. I sounded like Chewbacca from the movies
They called Taxi and I went to Mental Hospital, where I got medicine. Was strong stuff, helped me very much but I lost all my strength from my legs and it was also sleep medicine (it's used for many things) so it made me super tired for few days. Worked until I realized, that in Hell I wouldn't have medicine to help and I just got super anxious and I asked for forgivness from Allah.
Well I felt I was forgiven, until I read the Qur'an. Everytime I read that book, I got deeper and deeper and I thought about suicide, but never really wanted to do that. Also would be kinda funny to kill my self because being afraid of hell
Then I would go to hell even more likely and straight away
I quit my job (only three weeks to go in that job, mom said that I should drive thru' the anxiety, but I just became paralyzed of fear, couldn't do anything but medicine, write poetry to God to make me feel more peaceful with Him, chatting online, sleeping and watching Shane Dawson, Nigahiga, TimothyDeLaGhetto and other pretty funny people from YouTube).
I went to countryside again and there I was doing boxing and medicine (yeah, weird mixture
), eating when I could and watch some porn. I somehow could watch porn without fear, but then I got introduced to Zoroastrian Hell, and one of the biggest sins in that religion is masturbation, so I stopped masturbating again.
Well, I'm actually happy about stopping masturbation because I think I did it too much before (even if I wasn't afraid of Hell or anything) and I have felt much stronger after stopping.
I got into Sikhism, which gave me peace and everything was cool until I found Jainism and Buddhism and their Hells and reincarnation etc. I kinda forgot Islam but then it came back again and I was like a basketball being thrown everywhere. I got very weird:
I was afraid to go to sauna, because it reminded me of Hell, I also was just slapping myself to get more used to pain so I would do better in Hell.
I did meditation to get me numb to pain.
Actually worked because I was so out of this world and I slapping and punching myself in the face didn't even feel bad anymore, everything just became weird.
I was like a yo-yo and sometimes stuff good, sometimes bad.
I started going out after three years and now I go everywhere with bike or walking, I visit my sister often and I workout three times a week+I meditate when I can and I have done Yoga too.
I haven't gotten the fear away, but because I train so much and I take ice cold showers and stretching etc. I can handle fear better. I also want to pray to Jesus and I actually did and got peace, even tho' I think Bible is full of doo-doo but I'm afraid to "worship anyone besides Allah".
I realize Qur'an is most likely not Word of Allah/God and the concept of Hell is meant to keep people like me under the roof of Islam, but fear is getting in the way.
I think I have Hadephobia and I got Mental Help, which starts in few months, depending when they have room in their schedule. There I believe I get over my fears and start to love life again without these dogmas of hate, fear, supression, discrimination and submission.
Wish me luck
for Reading My Long Text, My BROTHERS & SISTERS of FREEDOM.
Topic: (REALLY LONG) My story from 15yo to current time