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Theme Changer

 Topic: Ex Revert

 (Read 56967 times)
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  • Ex Revert
     OP - September 26, 2013, 02:50 AM

    Hello,
    It is very hard for me to create this post. I was a very religious hijaabi for nearly two decades. I used to be one of those Muslims arguing on Ali Sina's site to try to get the doubting Muslims and the questioning curious back on track in the Sunnah. That's not why it is hard to create the post. I am not ashamed of my gradual acceptance that organized religion is awful mind control. The problem is that I spent nearly a decade with a charming, horrid man from a typical Middle Eastern dictatorship who controlled and abused me so completely that I am dealing with PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome. I am so fearful of being myself that I can hardly write anything personal and I am afraid to connect with anyone. It took me a year to do this, just to join a forum.
    I am a native English speaker, but I miss the languages I have been using for the last few decades so much that I talk to myself in the car. I miss people greeting me, I miss the food, I miss Muslim culture so much that it actually hurts. I moved to a town that is a complete monoculture. There is one Muslim family here. No masjid, not even a foreign language radio station. I did this to keep myself away from the familiar, and to protect my children from their father and his culture. It's working well enough, but I feel like no one understands me. Sometimes I despair no one ever will. I took Shahadah right after High School, and being back in Amriki culture makes me feel sort of like I woke up in a time warp, as if my mind has been dumped back into that age. But then I am two decades older, and I have this pack of little kids, and I feel a sort of surprise. I am sure being able to make my own choices for the first time since then has something to do with it. It's quite disconcerting.
    I do have a therapist, my kids have one, too, especially since they have PTSD from their father, as well. I am taking care of myself and my kids, but I am just so lonely and so tired of hiding. What if I ever tell anyone here I used to be Muslim, and some crazy idiot out to prove his Iman tries to erase the apostate? I have enough fear, and this is just one more. It's sort of ridiculous, too. If there is only one Muslim family here, why am I worried?
    The other thing is that I was a very good Muslim woman. Ladies would ask me, upon meeting me, if I had a sister like me for their sons. They would tell me they never met any Amriki girl like me.  I was so proud. Now, I am the lowest. I don't cover, I don't observe any ritual, I took my kids and threw them into Amriki culture with enthusiasm. I put a statue of Buddha in the living room to help them with remembering compassion. I have guilt and shame, and I should not. I chose to walk away for the sake of my children and myself. I do not want to live the way I used to. It's like the shame is something I can't shake. I don't even censor my thoughts now, and I feel embarrassed for them sometimes. I don't want to be good, I want to be RIGHT. But I feel sort of fallen. Let me be clear, too, that I have no vices other than coffee. I should feel good about myself.
    Doesn't anyone else have these issues? Is it a remnant of being in an abusive relationship, where Islamic mores and my ex's opinions got all twisted together? Or am I simply unhinged?
    Anyway, thank you. Shukria. Shokran. Gracias. Spas. Merci. Domo.


    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #1 - September 26, 2013, 03:04 AM

    Hello three, welcome to the forum. Have a parrot parrot

    I'm not quite sure what Amriki means, is it slang for American?

    First of all, you've taken a good first step. There's a lot of people here who have come from similar backgrounds, so feel free to be as open as you wish. I'm so glad you got out of an abusive relationship and have a therapist, it takes a great deal of courage to put aside your fears and do what you have to do. Not everyone has your strength. Do you know why exactly you feel such shame? Are you still a muslim but not wearing islamic dress to hide the fact or have you left the religion behind? Are you in a country where you have legal protection from your (ex I'm assuming) husband?

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #2 - September 26, 2013, 03:20 AM

    I have legal protection for years to come, thank you for asking. Amriki is American. I use the shorter version in my head.
    I am not Muslim anymore. I don't want to be, and I sure don't want my children to be anything but freethinking and ethical people. I just can't shake it. I can show my wrists now, but not my elbows most of the time. I can't put on chapstick in public, and it is necessary where I live. I get embarrassed so easily by what is very normal to Americans. Nailpolish, why shouldn't I wear it? I get frustrated with myself. Things like that and also not being able to talk about it. I get upset because when I am stressed out, there is no English in my head at all. I want to be a normal person in the community, but I feel like a freak. I am much too old for this. I should be wiser, it should be easier. Why do I care what is Sunnah?
    If it's not habitual, then I have some real problems.

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #3 - September 26, 2013, 03:47 AM

    From what I can tell you've been horribly indoctrinated. The Stockholm syndrome and the PTSD don't help either. Take it one day at a time.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #4 - September 26, 2013, 06:45 AM

    From one ex revert to another;  far away hug

    Although I did not imerse myself in the deen as much as you did it still took me some time to shake some of the old Islamic taboos so, as C1981 said; take things one day at a time and try to be easier on yourself. 


    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    The sleeper has awakened -  Dune

    Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish!
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #5 - September 26, 2013, 07:16 AM

    I don't even censor my thoughts now, and I feel embarrassed for them sometimes. I don't want to be good, I want to be RIGHT. But I feel sort of fallen.

    This quote popped up on Twitter today: 'Trust only him who doubts.'

    It's from an article on a Chinese writer called Lu Xun.
    http://www.thenanfang.com/blog/local-paper-uses-lu-xun-quotes-to-inspire-on-his-anniversary/

    Doubt away. Take your time. And break a leg.

    (That's Briddish for 'good luck' by the way.)
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #6 - September 26, 2013, 08:21 AM

    Hello, Three, welcome here. parrot parrot

    All the worries and mental stress is just a result of mental conversion, all Ex-Muslims go through this situation, as someone was more religious the more worse state he perceives. It takes some time and becomes better gradually. You have chosen the right way, don't lose yourself, you are not alone.
     far away hug

    If Allah is most merciful He should reveal His book unambiguous, complete (covering complete guidance for all time without need of any Hadith or Tafseer), easily and undoubtedly translatable to every language of world with a vivid sign of its proof from Him and its reach to every single human being.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #7 - September 26, 2013, 08:35 AM

    Welcome to the forum, three.

    It takes a lot of courage to do what you did - uproot yourself from a very abusive environment and partner after so many years and move back to a country that is almost "alien" to you.
    You have a lot of inner strength that is driving you to pick up the pieces and find a way to move your life forward and that of your children. I hope you will one day realise this, even though at the moment dealing with this huge upheaval seems overwhelming  Smiley

    Like the others have said, take one day at a time. You have been through a lot and no one can turn around and be happy and "normal" at the drop of a hat. You are getting there though. The fear, guilt and anxiety is all normal so don't deny yourself the chance to "grieve" the loss of your religion and former life, habits etc and allow the wounds and worries to slowly heal. Move at your own pace and what feels comfortable for you.

    Sounds like it is very isolating where you live, but there are many here who can relate to your feelings of isolation. Maybe one day you will be able to meet them in person, but for now, baby steps  Smiley

     far away hug

  • Ex Revert
     Reply #8 - September 26, 2013, 09:36 AM

    Welcome to the forum three. You're amongst friends here  Smiley

    "we can smell traitors and country haters"


    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • Ex Revert
     Reply #9 - September 26, 2013, 10:26 AM

     parrot

    What are your plans and dreams for your future?

    When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.


    A.A. Milne,

    "We cannot slaughter each other out of the human impasse"
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #10 - September 26, 2013, 11:48 AM

    three,

    That is some badass story you have there!!! Went into Islam at what - High school? And abandoned the whole thing two decades later? :O

    And you were abused? Dafuq? We have better guys than that! Even muslim guys! SRSLY!!!

    three, you are not the problem. You are a very beautiful and lovable woman! YOU are part of the solution Smiley And we are glad to have you here!!!

    Best of hugs (can you have those?) from across the North Sea

    Oh - and since I'm from Denmark, have a welcome piggy Smiley  piggy

    Danish Never-Moose adopted by the kind people on the CEMB-forum
    Ex-Muslim chat (Unaffliated with CEMB). Safari users: Use "#ex-muslims" as the channel name. CEMB chat thread.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #11 - September 27, 2013, 01:31 AM

    Thank you for your support. My dreams for the future are to heal my kids and help them to enjoy life. To teach them proper social skills and provide them with structure and better role models than they have previously been exposed to. I am working very hard at this, and they have been adapting, but slower than I like.
     For myself, I need to complete university. But with small children and full time work it is hard to begin. I think I need the kids to sleep through the night first. I have only slept through the night once in the past six years, I am sure I will be a different person when that changes.
    It is nice to know that I am not alone in this cultural re-acclimation. It's not something I can easily explain to anyone.
    Is Ali Sina still a presence online?

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #12 - September 27, 2013, 01:54 AM

    Yes Ali Sina is still a presence online but he is not in this forum. He can still be found at Faith Freedom International.

    Hope you and the kids are being treated for insomnia.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #13 - September 27, 2013, 02:01 AM

    Okay. I owe him an apology fifteen years coming. I tried to sign up for FFI, but perhaps they are not taking new members.

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #14 - September 27, 2013, 02:03 AM

    We are not being treated for insomnia. Panic disorders, yes. Two of the children are doing much better, thank you. They make it through most nights now.

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #15 - September 27, 2013, 02:25 AM

    They are always taking new members:

    http://www.faithfreedom.org/

    By the way Ali is a Deist now.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #16 - September 27, 2013, 02:41 AM

    Yeah. This forum is meant to be the exact opposite of the whole FFI, muslims are evil so let's bomb Makkah type rhetoric that right wing Christians love to manipulate. We criticize Islam here simply because it is not true and because many of our members have suffered because of the belief that it was. We don't support bigotry nor will we allow ourselves to be used as a platform for bigots.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #17 - September 27, 2013, 02:51 AM

    I didn't realize FFI had that reputation. Maybe I was on a beliefnet board all those years ago. What is a Deist? Wait, I have Google... so don't answer that. I got it.

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #18 - September 27, 2013, 09:01 AM

    They are always taking new members:

    http://www.faithfreedom.org/

    By the way Ali is a Deist now.


    Ali Sina is a lunatic, a maniacal bigot. My advice is to stay away from him and that forum, and don't ever post any links to it on this forum.


    "we can smell traitors and country haters"


    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • Ex Revert
     Reply #19 - September 27, 2013, 09:34 AM

    My dreams for the future are to heal my kids and help them to enjoy life. To teach them proper social skills and provide them with structure and better role models than they have previously been exposed to. I am working very hard at this, and they have been adapting, but slower than I like.


    You are an awesome mother. Your experiences will make you richer in wisdom and strength and that will make your children wiser and stronger in return.

    "we can smell traitors and country haters"


    God is Love.
    Love is Blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

  • Ex Revert
     Reply #20 - September 27, 2013, 06:13 PM

    Hello Three,

    Welcome to the place where all the succesfully treated mental patients go.

    It sound like you have quite an experience. It's all the more traumatic when children are invovled. I'm not the kind of guy to give advice on such matters because I haven't experienced it...but children mean a lot to me and I can say I'm please that you took the brave and necessary step off removing them from such a toxic atmosphere.

    What have been some of the most 'relieving' aspects of your experience in leaving Islam? You know, when you go tot he toilet and say 'fuck it I'll use my left hand!'.

    Or is that just me?

    No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

    Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #21 - September 27, 2013, 07:39 PM

    Ali Sina is a lunatic, a maniacal bigot. My advice is to stay away from him and that forum, and don't ever post any links to it on this forum.




    billy this will be the one and only time I'll ever post a link to that site.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #22 - September 27, 2013, 08:19 PM

    Rather troubling C1981 that you couldn't spot bigotry from a mile off until someone pointed it out to you.

    What aspects of Ali Sina do you agree with? PM me or open another thread. Please.

    No free mixing of the sexes is permitted on these forums or via PM or the various chat groups that are operating.

    Women must write modestly and all men must lower their case.

    http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?425649-Have-some-Hayaa-%28modesty-shame%29-people!
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #23 - September 28, 2013, 02:28 AM



    Ali Sina is a lunatic, a maniacal bigot. My advice is to stay away from him and that forum, and don't ever post any links to it on this forum.




    Sure billy, I don't need to post any link to them. I haven't talked with anyone there in over 13 years, so I might have missed a great deal. I prefer tolerance, anyhow.

    You are an awesome mother. Your experiences will make you richer in wisdom and strength and that will make your children wiser and stronger in return.


    Thanks for your support, I admit I am hoping for wisdom and strength in them.

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #24 - September 28, 2013, 02:38 AM

    Hello Three,

    Welcome to the place where all the succesfully treated mental patients go.

    It sound like you have quite an experience. It's all the more traumatic when children are invovled. I'm not the kind of guy to give advice on such matters because I haven't experienced it...but children mean a lot to me and I can say I'm please that you took the brave and necessary step off removing them from such a toxic atmosphere.

    What have been some of the most 'relieving' aspects of your experience in leaving Islam? You know, when you go tot he toilet and say 'fuck it I'll use my left hand!'.

    Or is that just me?


    I didn't realize we ended up here after successful treatment. Perhaps I can then skip my dialectic behavior therapy. I am pleased to be gone from there, too. Happy is a great way to be.
    I would say some of the nicest parts of abandoning Islamic practice is being able to pick up a glass with my other hand. If you are balancing a toddler on your right hip, it is really hard to pick up anything hot or breakable in your right hand at the same time. Having multiple toddlers makes it hard to sit down and eat, so standing and eating is an essential skill. Using either hand is a relief.
    I am not sure why you feel using your left hand for istanja would be rebellious. I thought it was sunnah.
    The other thing is not worrying so much about finding proper clothing in a Western country. I still dress conservatively and oversized, but I don't have to go to a hundred stores to find just the right tented fabric that won't cling.

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #25 - September 28, 2013, 02:41 AM

    Wow
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #26 - September 28, 2013, 03:37 AM

    three, you've just reminded me of this:

    http://www.councilofexmuslims.com/index.php?topic=24453.0

    `But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
     `Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad.  You're mad.'
     `How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
     `You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #27 - September 28, 2013, 01:45 PM

    Thanks for the referral! I am following!

    Don't let Hitler have the street.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #28 - October 14, 2013, 01:00 PM

    Welcome, three. From one revert to another. I feel your pain though not to the extremes you do. you are in the right place to make friends.

    Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.
  • Ex Revert
     Reply #29 - October 14, 2013, 10:50 PM

    Hi 3. Welcome to the asylum, the loonies have taken over. I pray life smiles benevolently upon your soul and those of your children. Just a word of warning, try to avoid this one particular nutter, thinks he is got a movie in the pipeline. Tosser.

    BTW - not just by the way (Billy The Writer) Great Words Billy. You certainly have a way with words.

    I am my own worst enemy and best friend, itsa bit of a squeeze in a three-quarter bed, tho. Unhinged!? If I was a dog I would be having kittens, that is unhinged. Footloose n fancy free, forced to fit, fated to fly. One or 2 words, 3 and 3/thirds, looking comely but lonely, till I made them homely.D
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