My story till today (ye It's a long one)
OP - March 15, 2014, 03:49 PM
Hi guys
I realise I have been posting a lot of random posts since I joined CEMB, writing proves very therapeutic for me and I am sure as most of you probably know there really isn't anyone we can speak to about this sort of problem.
So I am a twenty six year old female who is recently divorced (about five months back) from a seven year marriage in a very conservative Pakistani muslim family,even though my ex husband was more of a passive, traditional muslim.
As I sit and think about religion, God and all my fears and doubts, I realise that even though I went through spiritual highs and lows, I never truly believed in the fundamental teachings of Islam, I never accepted the part of religion that enforces how FEARED god should be. In my mind God had to be Merciful, there were no buts, ifs and maybes. God had to be the MOST merciful and nothing else.
I remember as a teen I use to pray when I felt like, fasted religiously in ramadhaan, also usually become more devout in ramdhaan, and go trough the general roller-coaster of spirituality.
My mum was and still is a fierce believer in Islam, so are most of my brothers (I am an only girl), my mum thrives on the fear islam indoctrinates on it's believers, and she thought us religion this way. I always hated it. Somehow in my seven years away from her I learnt to develop a love and attachment to the religion. I attended many courses, maybe some of you are familiar with the al Kauther institution, I started reading the Quran in English with Tafseer (Never read it cover to cover tho). At first when I read the Quran as words of God I found it beautiful, I found the way God told stories of the past touching, I totally understand how people feel a connection as they think God is talking to them in the Quraan and if you do read it from that perspective part of the Quraan can be beautiful while other parts can be shockingly horrifying. What I fail to understand is why don't the muslims question the extent of this horror portrayed in the Quraan.
Anyway back on track, I developed a love and bond for my religion, I wore a scarf but I didn't wear 'proper' hijaab, I was fine with this. My Brother became a modernist salafi (still is) and gives more liberal 'fatwas' so I was comfortable following in his suite. And I felt like God was listening to me and answering my prayers ( Although if im honest quite a few times I just felt lost and alone). I felt more lost and lonely in the last year of my marriage. My husband had completely tuned me out of his life and I was really just alone, and I felt it, realistically. So as all 'good' muslims would do I turned to Allah, and i cried and I prayed and I cried. And well nothing happened, the people in my life all let me down with their 'advice', I was told to search for answers in the Quraan, which I did. And the more I looked the more I felt compelled to stay in my marriage and try and make things work due to Quranic verses saying divorce is a last resort and so on (I can't exactly remember the exacts verses that made me feel compelled).
And so feeling so alone and lost I met someone oneline, started of as a casual friendship, someone I could talk my mind and heart out to without them actually knowing who I am or judging me (Much like what we do on this forum). I felt safe hiding behind a screen and talking to this man.
That was about eight months ago that I started talking to him, although it's hard for people to believe or understand, he really had no influence in the direction my life took, if anything he was just a support or form of solace in a time I desperately needed someone.
So things went from bad to worse in my marriage, and one day I had a light bulb moment that I had to leave, that I had really tried EVERYTHING till that point and I had to leave the marriage. The thing that stands with me till now is that I had to come to this conclusion ON MY OWN. No one gave me the 'right' advice, God wasn't speaking to me, and I had to find my own strength and courage to leave my marriage on my own terms for my own reasons and NOT have to defend those reasons.
Surprisingly I started turning more to God after my divorce, I dived into religion head first. I started praying all my prayers everyday, I prayed and asked God for A LOT in my prostrations. I prayed for my new online friend so that he would be saved from Gods punishment, I even cried buckets for him from my heart, I was so afraid of Gods punishment for him, and yes by this point he and I had become very attached to each other.
Again I was told to look into the Quraan for solace, which I tried. But every time I did I just got more and more scared, I started feeling like I had to please god out of fear, i remember even thinking about going into niqaab (uncomfortable and frightened at the thought of doing it).
I started feeling forced and suffocated, I started feeling pressured by God to fear him and obey him, I started feeling guilty of my very deep online relationship. I remember reading in the tafseer ibn Khatib about how the more a beleiver knows Allah the more he should fear Him (shudder). I became SO afraid. Then I remember reading how out of every 100 people 99 would enter hell :O
All of these tortures and punishments of hell and the grave from Allah for both his believers and disbelievers frightened me shitless. I couldn't eat or sleep, I felt like no matter what I did it was NEVER enough for Allah, he will never be happy and I will be punished. And I couldnt believe in His mercy and blind myself to His punishment.
So slowly my old fears of my religion began to resurface, the questions I had managed to bury for so long all came back to haunt me. Why did God create us just to punish us? Or create us just to worship him? Where we really to hate everything on this earth and submit completely to our lord? Where do you draw the line between religious and obsession? I couldn't find that middle ground in religion that everyone talks of. I found my mind swinging from one extreme to the other.
Right now I feel like in the back of mind I KNOW that the God described in the religious scripture can not be God, can not be merciful, can not be Just or fair. But I am dealing with SEVERE depression as well as suicidal thoughts. Really bad suicidal thoughts. I feel like a hypocrite living around really 'pious' people that SO firmly believe that Islam is true. Which I don't agree with. I find myself fearing what if they are right and I will not just roast in hell but be hideously tortured as well. I am also afraid of disappointing all the people in my life, as they all saw that I had been becoming more spiritual and now it's just gone, in a blink of an eye.
I worry about how I would be able to keep up this act, I worry about how my family and friends would react if they knew what I was thinking and what i truly believe. I honestly feel like my entire world is completely shattered. That everything I was told to believe was a lie. And that I can't even show them this, i am alone in this.
I don't know if I can live in a world were my entire family and friends would turn against me.
I wish I knew what to do right now. I wish I had ALL the answers, all the comfort that religion actually provides. Where exactly do we go from here, how do we go on living when EVERYONE around you is caught up in this indoctrination?
Sorry for the long ass post just needed to put my thoughs and feelings out to the world.
"I Knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice in wonderland
"This is the only heaven we have how dare you make it a hell" Dr Marlene Winell
Topic: My story till today (ye It's a long one)