Welcome to the forum Trustworthy, have a rabbit!
Sorry to hear about your mother, and best of luck on your Master's.
Thank you.
What is this fear of hurting parents about?
Similar forms of emotional blackmail have been written about in other threads.
No one ever turns out as parents want. If they do there are serious issues to worry about.
The thing is, I have seen three other siblings 'hurt' my parents by making their own decisions. I have seen what my mother has been through and I'm not sure I can deal with myself causing that. Of course, the problem is that we all didn't 'cause' that. She decided to take it that way, albeit unconsciously. If she was equipped with better emotional intelligence, she could have decided to just accept it and go along with it. But no, they take it very personal, as if they have failed at parenting.
It's like they have this checking box in their head:
married: check job: check house: check.
And every checking box has it's own checking boxes.
Married to a fellow Moroccan: check.
Spouse has a good job: check
Spouse is younger (if female): check
Spouse is handsome: check
Atheism or living on your own, or choosing a white boyfriend wasn't anywhere NEAR their list. [/RANT]
In the end, it's inevitable. I am going to leave the house, I'm going to take off my hijab and I'll have to deal with their emotions. The last part is something I have to work on, because right now, I am having a hard time myself accepting my feelings as my own instead of blaming them on situations or actions of other people. It's hard when you picture that moment of leaving at least once every day and when you are daily reminded of the hurt that the others are causing. (One of my siblings is in some deep shit at the moment and he's the topic of conversation, every fucking day.)
Welcome!
On whisky, you might find it difficult to find, but try the only Welsh whisky Penderyn.
Your comments about free will and predestination amused me, as theological "debates" (alright hot wars) have occurred about this in christianity for centuries and are being replayed in science!
The core xian sects about this subject are Arminians and Calvinists.
They used to hate each other - Arminians might be Pentecostal, who Calvinist said were of Satan.
I have recently discovered a Calvinist Pentecostal Church!
I am getting more and more puzzled about the attitudes of parents written about here.
Do they not understand that children grow and develop and are therefore different to themselves? The role of parents is to guide not control.
It is a really nice discussion, which can turn into a quite depressive one. :p
No, they do not understand. Actually, my parents have done a great deal in making sure we would end up 'better' than they did. In the terms of being educated, having a nice job, independence etc. They just didn't think our decisions would go any further than that.
I think a lot of parents teach their children that they ¨owe¨ them. Many cultures teach children to be forever obedient to their parents, and expect those children to care for their parents, always.
If parents raise their children to be obedient to them, and to fulfill their parent's expectations rather than their own desires, then sometimes emotional blackmail is quite effective. Not every person can handle losing their parent's love and presence in their lives, and if you are raised to be dependent on your parents, this makes even more sense in such a case.
This is how abusers groom their victims, as well.
Teach them that they are incapable of making decent choices, and make their decisions for them. The victim loses the ability to make choices, because it is sort of like a muscle, if you don't use it, it grows weak.
This creates a dependency, you no longer trust yourself to do the best by yourself, you need someone else to do it for you. Parents are in a perfect spot to do this to their children. Sad, but true.
Yes, like the checking box I mentioned above, we all know what is expected of us in terms of making our parents happy. And although I have enjoyed a quite high level of independence when it came to my education (I was the first in my family to go to Uni so they couldn't tell me what to do, they simply didn't know), I have not had this independence in other things. 'Because due to their life experience, they always know what's best for me.'
To be honest I don't sometimes feel like there is a great deal of love in such households and if there is it is conditional not unconditional. If you don't know how to love yourself how can you love others fully? Part of loving yourself is being proud of your decisions and their results, if you don't make the decisions how can you have this? If you base your self-esteem on others approval then it is hard to be happy on your own and you can't then love yourself and know how to treat others fabulously; "do unto others as you would like to be done by".
Anyway that is my 2 cents.
This hits a little too close to home.
Topic: Introducing myself