Hey there!
I thought I'd open this topic because I want to know if anyone felt that way too.
Sooo basically I'm a 24 female, I thought puberty and shit was waaay behind me, but lately, since I have started slowly rejecting religion and considering a life as a non-muslim, i.e. as a "normal person", I suddenly don't really know who I am anymore and I am feelings... feels xD *tee-hee!*
Ok jokes asides, seriously, what the heck? I am usually a calm person (sometimes too calm), very together and all but I get angry and pissed a lot quicker, for small things (especially regarding my parents and everything religion related obvious), I'm very self conscious of how people see me, I feel the urge to do something to "rebel" (I got a tattoo when I went abroad for a semester, no regrets, it's not even a rebellious thing nowadays and at my age but I wanted one), I wanna do stupid things (i.e. neither useful or constructive), I can spend days of my holiday just moping around about what the meaning of life is, hating on my "good girl" image, I get extremely annoyed at pretty much anything my parents say and I'm not very keen to spend more time with them than necessary, I am holding opinions that are the opposite of what I used to, even though I know how ridiculous it is I want to express myself in a flamboyant way, try new things despite having been against them for so long (alcohol, flirting...).
I pretty much feel like a 14 yo teenage boy on the inside, litterally, in every way except that boy is clearly gay and doesn't like boobies (not that I hate boobies, they are great, but I don't
like like them) xD my sexuality might be the only thing I am sure about right now.
Is going through a second/first actual emotional puberty normal for someone who used to be a parent pleasing sons/daughters that used to control every move and word?
My conflict here is that at the same time I find myself stupid, because other people my age in my country of origin are struggling with not finding a job, failed marriages, family problems, poverty, kids... and I'm just there playing my video games, trying to contain my exploding ovaries and thinking about whether or not I should have a sneaky taste of Guinness when I go to Ireland this summer and what that beer tasting means for my identity and what consequences it will have. It's hard enough to have urges to behave like a teenager, it's even worse if you are your own "adult" telling yourself that you're acting like a mopey ungrateful First World brat with stupid problems. Or is it really stupid? Maybe I need to go through this in order to move forward?
I know the things I want to do are only normal for most people and not even dangerous or anything if done responsibly, but why do I still feel stupid? I have been playing this role for so long, refusing alcoholic drinks, being not even remotely flirtatious (how do you even?), being socially awkward as fuck, having my confidence instantly shattered when someone asked me about religion or someone reminded people that I am a Muslim. I have come to hate that label, I want to get rid of it but at the same time I worry about what people will say if I start doing "normal things", I don't want to trade the Muslim label for "Good religious girl who made a 180 turn and became wild trolololol", even though I probably won't become all wild and out of control. I usually don't care that much but it seems like my self-consciousness has gone through the roof lately.
So yeah does anyone here relate to this? People who have gone further than me in "quitting religion" (let's think of religion as a drug, it's not far from that. Karl Marx wasn't wrong in a sense) did you have this and what do you suggest? Should I just not care so much and go for whatever I want to try?
What is my life?? I think to much. What is my brain? What even?
my synapses are full of knots
Topic: I feel like a 14 year old teenager