AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! What the FUCK is the point. I feel so shit. This morning I felt better. Things were looking up. I had my therapy session at 9:15 and then a meeting/informal interview after. Great, I thought. Life is getting back on track. Now this. FUCK'S sake. I HATE depression.
Ok, some background. Been Muslim for over 10 years, which I'm pretty sure I mentioned in my intro. Initially converted both for religious reasons and for marriage. Not ideal but since then my belief - my 'imaan' - flourished. Of course there are questions, so many questions. But they have answers. Islam is so fu... [interrupted by phone call]
...
[6 hours later]
...to continue where I left off: Islam is so fucking perfect that there's always an answer. Even though it may sound absurd, defy logic, or make no sense, it still fits with the rest of what I call the
framework of Islam. So my unease is checked, for a while. Then the same thing happens: some niggling issue bugs me till I just can't ignore any more. More questions. Ask the right imam, sheikh, student of knowledge
and you get another fucking perfect answer. So the cycle continues, with each increasing climax of doubt happening around Ramadhan.
Now I think I'm finally realising that I can't fool myself any more. I wanted to. I so badly wanted to. It's easier to keep doing what you're doing, bury your head in the sand, sweep it under the carpet. I've built my whole life around Islam: my diet, my friends, my social life, my job, my flat, the city I live in (yes I did a mini hijrah!) but most of all, my wife. This appears to be the end of my life as I know it, which is an
extremely hard concept to get your head around. (Isn't denial a wonderful thing?) And to answer the question I hear you asking, no my marriage won't survive my apostasy, and no I can't keep it quiet. Thank God (or Christ, or Goodness, or Fuck, or whatever you want) we don't have kids. That really would be a mess.
I don't know what I believe, but I do know that I don't want to go back to how I was before Islam happened, because I really did feel shit then - almost attempted suicide once. Thankfully I'm not that bad now, though there are times when I feel scarily close. Actually, there is one thing that I totally 110% believe, without a shadow of doubt (no, not even the shadow of a fucking black ant on a black stone on a moonless night): that we (humans, that is) are able to make ourselves believe, or let ourselves be made to believe,
anything. The human mind is truly amazing. We're truly amazing. Trouble is, we can also be amazingly stupid.
Ok, rant over. The phone call by the way (and the 6 hour gap in writing this post), was my new source of work, the same people I had the interview with this morning. They were calling with a job (I'm self employed - both a blessing and a curse when you're depressed). That was very good timing (alhamdulillah?) cause it calmed me down and gave me something to focus on, instead of sitting in my van feeling like the proverbial shit.
Now, with 2 jobs under my belt for the day, I'm home and finishing this post. I need to get some food inside me. I skipped lunch and ate half a pack of Asda hob nobs instead. *sigh* On the bright side (yes, there always is one, if you look hard enough), I do feel better. And finishing this post has also helped
just hope I didn't offend too many people in the process. But you were warned!
Thank you for reading.
Topic: Not for the faint hearted (you have been warned)